Food 2/25

Cheerios & milk

Banana

Coffee with cream, 2 cups

Piece of lasagna

Carrots & hummus

Apple

7-8 tortilla chips

Green salad with tuna

Water

5 Russell Stover chocolates

2 squares chocolate with peanuts

2 pieces of cheese

Toms River

We just got back from Toms River. I always come back with some mixed feelings. Here they are, in no particular order:

- Colleen is really great, a really generous person, and the party host extraordinaire

- JJ's friends are a conservative crowd. Sometimes I find it difficult to think of what to talk about with them. That's especially true with Scott and Michael Miles. I like Mike & Ralph Gargaloni...except when they told their daughters they should never date a "black guy."

- I had fun hanging out with Barb Gargaloni, Rachelle, Colleen, Courtney, Andrew, and Colleen's friend Kelly. Good ladies, funny ladies.

- in typical fashion, JJ pretended nothing happened after Friday night. But I still didn't feel connected to him this weekend.

- JJ and Colleen's friend Jimmy apparently lied to his wife Vera when he went to a football game with JJ and two other friends (one of them Lou). The lie came out when JJ mentioned the game in front of Vera. JJ told me about it and I just thought, "yuck! That's so...shitty. And unnecessary." I was so unimpressed with this guy, but also with JJ and Michael Miles' sort of "boys will be boys/bros before ho's" attitude. I don't get why someone would lie about something like that. 

- Judge O'Connell is great, and I guess what can you expect from someone who is 83, but argh! "I gave JJ a bunch of dress shirts. Amy, how do you plan to launder them?" Also he gives "us" cards for every holiday, but the checks inside are addressed only to JJ. And I never even see them. 

I hate my marriage

We just got in the car to drive to Toms River for Danica's birthday party tomorrow. Despite everyone's best efforts, we left at 8:15 instead of 8:00 as we planned. JJ, typically, acted all stressed, as if it was all my fault. He grabbed my bag and was carrying it outside, and I said, "I need that back, I was about to put something else in." He acted like that was the most annoying thing he ever heard. Of course, if he had just asked me if it was ready, we could have saved a lot of stress. Then he threw it into the middle of the car, and I asked him to put it into the trunk. He said, "why? It's fine here." I said I thought I might need to sit between the kids, and I had a bottle ready to feed James. Finally we got in and I directed the heat so it blows onto our bodies and feet. He switched it back to the window defroster, where he always seems to keep it, even though the window was not foggy. I said, "why are you blowing the heat onto the cold window?" He said, "I've got...whatever!" And switched it back. I said, "you've got what? What were you going to say?" He refused to speak to me. I said, "it's just that if the window isn't foggy, shouldn't we use the heat to warm the people in the car? I mean, isn't it inefficient to blow the heat towards a cold window, which will cool it off, before it circulates through the car?" He refused to answer. I said, "why do you want to put it on window defroster? I am trying to understand." He refused to answer. I made a little speech about how communication involves each if us stating our points if view, that he was choosing to be stressed about the time, that everyone involved tried to get us out the door in time, that this should be the start of a fun family trip, not a time to be angry. Same old shit I have said 1,000,000 times. And now, like so many times before, we make this trip in silence, when it could have been a fun time to connect and talk. Seems to always be this way.

Seems also that if we have sex at night, a very rare occurrence these days, we fight the next day.

When I say fight, I mean that JJ finds some reason to give me the silent treatment for however long he decides to do it, then act as if nothing ever happened. 

Never, ever have we finally resolved something. He never reflects and apologizes. Never, ever, ever. Just anger, blame, then pretending nothing happened. Over and over again.

I hate my marriage.