Conflict week...Sake week

Lots of sake being consumed here again. And what do you know, a rise in conflict too. Monday: JJ sits down to eat the soup I made. He's stirring in hot sauce, ready to chow down. Kids are not in their chairs, I'm still putting stuff on the table. I say, "maybe before you start you could get the kids to the table also." He looks insulted, stunned, face goes dark. We're sitting there and I try to start a conversation, he won't. Won't even look at me, gives one-word answers. After dinner, I say, "tonight I'd like to read James some stories," because I have been missing that...JJ has been whisking James off to bed so fast I never can read with him anymore. JJ, very grumpy: "I don't care, whatever." I get frustrated, "what is wrong with you?!" Silence, snarkiness. I'm frustrated, annoyed, feeling no control, feeling punished for asking him to help, tune in before. "JJ! Come here and at least just give me a hug!" He did...but no words said. 

Tonight, similar stuff. James asks me for a cookie, Hug juice, [nutrigrain] barrrrr (favorite snack trio) just as I'm finishing dinner. Me: "we're just about to eat, you can have a cookie for desert." James tries to grab cookies from counter. I say, "no, after dinner...JJ, here's his plate, would you put him in his seat and he can eat his dinner? He's hungry." A few moments later, I go sit down. James has his bar, and on his plate, a cookie. I say, "JJ..?!" He says, "well, he's not eating it, he'll save it until later." So I'm sitting there feeling undermined, just thinking what's the message here...if I say no to the kids, all they have to do is ask JJ instead and he'll give it to them. Then we're talking, conversing for once about a PD at school, a financial advisor who came to present. Kids are asking me for drinks; JJ starts giving me directions. "Give Merryn the pink one..." I ask her a question, "do you want..." He answers "she doesn't want that!" I bring James a drink, JJ says, "he doesn't want that one!" I get annoyed, just...why is he answering every question I try to ask the kids!! Can I just ask a question to them directly?! At another point (last night) Merryn was crying after dinner. I ask her from the kitchen what was wrong; before she can answer he says, "she's crying about her doll" (which I had temporarily taken away from her earlier because she had not been cooperating getting in the car). But Merryn was not crying about the doll, it was another thing (mainly she was tired). She shouted, "no! I am not crying about my doll!" But now she's thinking about that again as well as the new issue and crying even more. And I'm thinking, "if JJ didn't have to act like he knows everything about everything at all times, maybe he could have just let her answer when I asked her what was wrong instead of interjecting and making things worse." So after these interactions I'm annoyed and I come back to the table and our rare conversation doesn't seem so fun anymore. I'm just sitting there feeling stressed. So he tells kids, "let's go finish watching our TV show," and I'm left alone sitting there eating and then cleaning up alone, feeling annoyed. By the time I'm done with clean up (Metryn came down to help me a few mins later) JJ is upstairs with James in bed. I go up and say, "hey did you forget there's another person here? This was my time with the kids too, this was my family time too after a long day at work.., you get an hour alone to relax when I pick up the kids...I just come home and cook, clean up...I am not the family servant sitting and eating alone...I feel we were raised in different ways, I feel frustrated, just wishing you could tune in more..." No response, snarky snicker, smirk... "JJ that  makes things worse! Please can you just speak?" "Oh so you're the only one who gets to talk?" "What? No, but every time I try to say anything it is turned back on me: "you deserve it, oh yeah well YOU always..." Can we just talk about the issues I just raised? "You see, now you won't let me talk" And then I feel crazy, mentally losing it. I backed slowly out of the room feeling like I'm losing my mind.