Yesterday we did the taxes. I know he didn't want me to be involved, but I sat with him anyway. He said, "we're all done...we owe $1100." We scrolled through the list and I said, "what about the child care credit?" He said, "no... That's nothing." I said , "let's just look at it." We did and it end up giving us a large credit--$1200. Instead of having to pay tax, we are getting a small refund. After we finished, I took my paperwork and put it in a folder. He came in the other room and said, "why did you take all the papers? I'm keeping them." I said, "I want to keep copies of my papers. I'll make copies for you." He said, in a very irritated tone, "well, you took one of my papers." I said, "I don't think so but take a look in my folder." He didn't find it. It was on the floor of his office. He said, "well, you knocked it on the floor." He did apologize for blaming me.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Lights on!
On Thurs, we had parent-teacher conferences at night, so we had a babysitter coming. So in the morning I was preparing stuff for her and it took us longer to get out of the house and I missed my train. So on Friday and this morning, JJ woke James up at about 5:40 am. He does this by turning on all the lights. This morning he got James up, and James was crying, not at all ready to wake up. He was taking him downstairs when I got out of the shower. I turned the light off. JJ shouted at me, "what are you doing?! Turn that light back on!" I said, "it's 5:40, you don't need to turn on every light, and you don't need to wake James up yet. And please stop shouting at me at 5:40 am." He shouted, "you are always late! You have time issues!" I said, "JJ, all I did was turn out a light. Stop shouting." When I got downstairs he was just sitting there with James. He had not even showered yet himself. We ended up leaving the house at the normal time anyway.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Incidents 3-9 to 3-14
Tuesday I got home from solo marriage counseling appointment. I arrived before JJ and kids, which was unusual. Ten minutes later, JJ pulled up. He looked shocked that I was home already. I said, just observing, not blaming or anything, "you ended up coming home way later than usual for a Tuesday." He said he had stopped for a beer. He didn't volunteer who he'd gone with, and that omission revealed a lot. I guessed he had met Eleanor, or maybe Olivia. I couldn't think why he would be secretive about anyone else. Later, I asked "Were you with friends from school? Or did you go out here in town?" He said, "Friends from school." But no elaboration. Later, I looked at his phone and saw that it was Eleanor. Just the two of them had gone out for happy hour. And he didn't want me to know.
James has been sick this week. The daycare called us to let us know he had fevers Weds. and Thurs. JJ went to get him on the earlier side both days, although he didn't need to miss any of his classes to do so. On Thurs. night, James seemed to be feeling really awful. I said, "I guess we better keep him home tomorrow." JJ said, "Are you going to stay with him?" I said, "I just took a day off for a snow day with the kids last week." He said, "Well, I have taken a lot of days recently too. I took 3 days in February." I said, "No, it was 2 days. Feb. 2 and Feb. 12. I took Feb. 9 off, and I left early (at 10:00)Feb. 11 to pick up Merryn. And I took March 5 off." He said, "Well, it's your turn." I thought to myself, no, it's your turn, but I decided not to engage...I texted Nina, James' assistant teacher, who had mentioned she would babysit if she had an off day. I told JJ, "The way we do this is very stressful. Maybe this time we could get a babysitter (because I have taken 7 days off this year, in just 7 months at this new job...JJ has taken 5 days...I think both of us are feeling pressure that it doesn't look good at work to be absent so often. But at least he has over 100 days in his bank of sick days, and he has a good reputation at his school, since he has been there for 7 years. I am still trying to build my reputation at my job, since it's my first year there. And I only have a couple of days left in my bank.)" He said, "And you are going to pay for it?"
And I thought but didn't say, "Fuck you, you selfish asshole. I'm nearly broke because you will not share any money with me, and after I pay my bills after each paycheck, I only have $200 left. Why should I carry this burden alone?" But instead I said to him, "No, JJ. We'll split the cost down the middle. We'll share the job of taking days of, and we'll share the cost of the babysitter."
In the end, Nina passed my message on to Emma, the lead teacher. She called me and said even though James was sick, we could bring him to daycare anyway, and she would take care of him. So Emma really helped us that day. But I felt guilty and sad all around, guilty that James was sick at school, because I think he needed to be home with us, guilty about missing time with my students, sad that with JJ it doesn't feel like we're on the same team, trying to solve problems together and understanding the pressure both of us feel, needing to care for the kids, needing to be responsible at work also. I wish that sometime when we're facing this question--who stays home with the kids--he could just volunteer to do it. Instead, every time, I bring up that somebody should stay. He says "I don't know." When it's my turn, I readily volunteer: "It's my turn, I'll stay." But when it's his turn, he remains silent, and only agrees to stay when I bring it up a few times and finally ask him point blank if he'd do it. And then he's very grumpy about it.
About this most recent time, an obvious unspoken factor was that Tuesday will be St. Patrick's Day, which JJ takes off every year. He intends to take it off this year too, even if he has taken 5 other days this year. And I'm sure that was a factor in him not wanting to take Friday off, feeling that he doesn't want to take two days off so close together.
Another thing, I think that JJ has decided that he is not attracted to me anymore. On several occasions recently, I have been getting dressed when he comes upstairs. I'm naked or partially dressed...and I tried to look a little sexy for him, just a nice little pose or gesture. But he never even looked my way. It felt like a total rejection, humiliating. I have lost weight, and now I weigh less than when we first met, slimmer than I have been in 10 years, and pretty fit...I don't think I look so bad...but he didn't want to look, or just didn't notice somehow. Anyway, he initiates nothing with me, never touches me at all. And this makes me very reluctant to initiate anything or touch him, because I'm not sure it would be welcomed...and that would be really embarrassing and depressing.
And one last thing, JJ started working taxes on Turbo Tax today. Last year, he shared no information with me about it, and I think he intends to do the same this year. Last year, he kept the entire refund. I was okay with that because I wasn't working and I knew that he needed the refund to pay our property taxes. Although if the roles had been reverse, I at least would have communicated to him about that plan, and made sure that he didn't need some of the money. But this year, I would like to know about the process and do it with him. And now that I'm paying our largest monthly bill--daycare--I would like to have some of the refund also. I think that if we get a refund, we should split it in half. We didn't fight about this today, but he quit working on it when I came into the room. He didn't offer any information, and I think that if I tell him I want to do it with him and have some of the money, we will end up fighting, which these days I'd like to avoid.
James has been sick this week. The daycare called us to let us know he had fevers Weds. and Thurs. JJ went to get him on the earlier side both days, although he didn't need to miss any of his classes to do so. On Thurs. night, James seemed to be feeling really awful. I said, "I guess we better keep him home tomorrow." JJ said, "Are you going to stay with him?" I said, "I just took a day off for a snow day with the kids last week." He said, "Well, I have taken a lot of days recently too. I took 3 days in February." I said, "No, it was 2 days. Feb. 2 and Feb. 12. I took Feb. 9 off, and I left early (at 10:00)Feb. 11 to pick up Merryn. And I took March 5 off." He said, "Well, it's your turn." I thought to myself, no, it's your turn, but I decided not to engage...I texted Nina, James' assistant teacher, who had mentioned she would babysit if she had an off day. I told JJ, "The way we do this is very stressful. Maybe this time we could get a babysitter (because I have taken 7 days off this year, in just 7 months at this new job...JJ has taken 5 days...I think both of us are feeling pressure that it doesn't look good at work to be absent so often. But at least he has over 100 days in his bank of sick days, and he has a good reputation at his school, since he has been there for 7 years. I am still trying to build my reputation at my job, since it's my first year there. And I only have a couple of days left in my bank.)" He said, "And you are going to pay for it?"
And I thought but didn't say, "Fuck you, you selfish asshole. I'm nearly broke because you will not share any money with me, and after I pay my bills after each paycheck, I only have $200 left. Why should I carry this burden alone?" But instead I said to him, "No, JJ. We'll split the cost down the middle. We'll share the job of taking days of, and we'll share the cost of the babysitter."
In the end, Nina passed my message on to Emma, the lead teacher. She called me and said even though James was sick, we could bring him to daycare anyway, and she would take care of him. So Emma really helped us that day. But I felt guilty and sad all around, guilty that James was sick at school, because I think he needed to be home with us, guilty about missing time with my students, sad that with JJ it doesn't feel like we're on the same team, trying to solve problems together and understanding the pressure both of us feel, needing to care for the kids, needing to be responsible at work also. I wish that sometime when we're facing this question--who stays home with the kids--he could just volunteer to do it. Instead, every time, I bring up that somebody should stay. He says "I don't know." When it's my turn, I readily volunteer: "It's my turn, I'll stay." But when it's his turn, he remains silent, and only agrees to stay when I bring it up a few times and finally ask him point blank if he'd do it. And then he's very grumpy about it.
About this most recent time, an obvious unspoken factor was that Tuesday will be St. Patrick's Day, which JJ takes off every year. He intends to take it off this year too, even if he has taken 5 other days this year. And I'm sure that was a factor in him not wanting to take Friday off, feeling that he doesn't want to take two days off so close together.
Another thing, I think that JJ has decided that he is not attracted to me anymore. On several occasions recently, I have been getting dressed when he comes upstairs. I'm naked or partially dressed...and I tried to look a little sexy for him, just a nice little pose or gesture. But he never even looked my way. It felt like a total rejection, humiliating. I have lost weight, and now I weigh less than when we first met, slimmer than I have been in 10 years, and pretty fit...I don't think I look so bad...but he didn't want to look, or just didn't notice somehow. Anyway, he initiates nothing with me, never touches me at all. And this makes me very reluctant to initiate anything or touch him, because I'm not sure it would be welcomed...and that would be really embarrassing and depressing.
And one last thing, JJ started working taxes on Turbo Tax today. Last year, he shared no information with me about it, and I think he intends to do the same this year. Last year, he kept the entire refund. I was okay with that because I wasn't working and I knew that he needed the refund to pay our property taxes. Although if the roles had been reverse, I at least would have communicated to him about that plan, and made sure that he didn't need some of the money. But this year, I would like to know about the process and do it with him. And now that I'm paying our largest monthly bill--daycare--I would like to have some of the refund also. I think that if we get a refund, we should split it in half. We didn't fight about this today, but he quit working on it when I came into the room. He didn't offer any information, and I think that if I tell him I want to do it with him and have some of the money, we will end up fighting, which these days I'd like to avoid.
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