New car

JJ crashed our car in May, and we have been borrowing my parents' car since then. Finally, I saw online that Nell & Paul Madigan were selling their car. I let JJ know, and he decided to buy it. He did yesterday, for a price of $10,000. About a week before, I told him I wanted him to put me on the title of the car. He said, "what difference does it make?" I said, "as a married couple we need to share stuff. That matters to me." Then, a few days ago, I told him I didn't have enough money to split the cost with him, but that I could give him about $3000. He kind of mumbled in response, a typical JJ non-response. To do that, I needed to get the rest of the retainer back from the lawyer, which I finally did this week. But before Nell & Paul came over to make the sale, I had not yet given him the money, partly because I had just gotten the check from the lawyer and prior to that had not known how much it would be, and partly because I really did not believe he would put me on the title. I feel that JJ from the very beginning of our marriage had avoided sharing money and assets with me at all costs, mainly because I think it makes him feel that he can control things. So I felt that despite our conversation about it, he was setting it up to leave me out. ("You stay at home with Nell & kids while Paul & I go to the DMV... ") Sure enough, a few hours after they returned from the DMV, I asked him, and he told me that he had only put his own name. I felt that same feeling of betrayal, of having been manipulated, that I have felt many times with him. I got mad. I said, "But I came to you to ask you. I offered to share the cost with you." He said, "I asked you 'what difference does it make?' and 'you didn't answer.'" I said, "I obviously came to you requesting that because it makes a difference to me! I needed a sign from you that you understand we need to share, and you missed that opportunity." He said, "well, you buy your mom's car." I said, "that was about buying a car for US, not just me!" He said, "well you keep insisting that we need two cars" (which is something he was saying for a long time too). He said, "we need two cars because you are always late." I said, "now you're back to your old games, changing the subject, changing the story, manipulating." I said, "we need two cars or to really agree to SHARE one car because you act like the car belongs only to you and that you always get priority to use it. You're unwilling to use public transportation, and you're greedy about the car, even it makes my life harder." He said, "there was only one time I was unwilling to use public transportation." We talked about the weekend last year when he had signed up to grade Regents and I decided to go to Virginia with the kids. He claimed that I had decided "at the last minute" to take the car, leaving him unable to get to the grading site, which was "inaccessible" by public transportation. I said, no, I approached you about it a few days in advance; you ignored me. We discussed the plan over text message. Clinton HS is not "inaccessible" by public transportation; in fact, it's only one block from the subway. I take public transit every day; and so can you. Not only that, when you expressed your feeling of not wanting to take the train, I looked for a rental car so that you could keep the car with you. But when you ignored my messages asking for ride, and refused to speak to me, and threatened to call the cops when I finally decided to go, I just didn't feel like trying to help you anymore. So I left. (What I really wanted to say was that he was being a selfish, entitled asshole.) He started blaming again: "see, this was another example of me expressing my point of view about something and you say, 'I'm doing it anyway.'" I said, "all you have is your old tired arguments. I'm not doing this with you." I left the room. When I came back, I said, "I will buy my mom's car. But you just watch what happens if you ever need money from me."

Warrior body

As I am focusing this summer on physical fitness and being disciplined about eating good, healthy food, I am trying to see these efforts through a new lens. I'm envisioning myself as a warrior, ready to fight, to stand up and be strong. And preparing my body, and, more importantly, disciplining my mind, is part of that. I hope that this focus will help me to stay commited, and will help me think less about results and more about the process.

Summer goals 7/25-7/31

7/25 (M);

Weigh in: 148

Exercise: 5.0 miles, OCA trail

Food: banana, almonds; oatmeal w honey; apple; celery; coffee w cream; (Lou's party) 2 cheeseburgers (no bun); hot dog (no bun); watermelon; blueberries; some chips and tostitos; green salad; two Coronas

Spending: $1.90, cash, coffee, Pastry Chef

7/26 (T):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, almonds; scrambled eggs, bacon, lettuce salad, orange; coffee w cream; 2 pieces dark chocolate; 3 small pieces pizza; Corona; carrots & hummus

Spending: $104, Discover card, Bed Bath & Beyond, coffee marker, blender, cooling rack, tub caddy; $15??, BoA card, CTown, coconut milk, coconut , half & half, yogurt; $45, check 1020,  Paula Heller

7/27 (W):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail w a stop for circuit (7 exercises [see last week], 10 reps, 5 rounds)

Food: oatmeal, coffee w cream, 4-5 jelly beans, hunk of bread, crackers, lettuce salad w chicken (breaded); almonds; pork tenderloin w coconut; kale salad w bacon; 2 squares dark chocolate

Spending: $117, online debit, Barnes & Noble card payment

7/28 (Th):

Exercise: 2.0 miles, OCA trail, walk & run

Food: banana, oatmeal w blackberries, coffee w cream; walnuts; pork w coconut; kale salad w bacon; berry & yogurt smoothie; apple; more pork w coconut; zucchini; baked kale chips; carrots & hummus; Corona; 2 pieces of cheese 

Spending: $1.25, + &25 cash back, debit card, CTown, gum; $83, Discover card, dentist, 4 fillings; &3, debit card, parking, White Plains 

7/29 (F):

Exercise: none

Food: banana; oatmeal w cran-raisins; coffee w cream; cheeseburger, mushrooms, lettuce (no bun); kale chips; carrots, celery, & hummus; 1 square dark chocolate; bowl of gazpacho; 

Spending: none (paid bills online, $421.49, Verizon: 150

7/30 (S):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail. (A few brief stops, humid!)

Food: oatmeal w honey; coffee w cream; 2 hotdogs (no bun), ear or corn, kale chips, celery & hummus; 2 small Famous Amos cookies; chicken curry, spinach (sautéed), green beans, small spoonful of rice, Corona

Spending: $22, cash, Into The Woods ticket, 50/50 entry, cookies

7/31 (Su):

Exercise: 5.0 miles, OCA trail. Felt good.

Food: grapes, oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; omelet w lox & onions, mixed veggies, a few toast crusts that kids did not eat, coffee & cream; ice cream with Korean donuts (Ho-Dduk); ice cream "mochi" set with Catherine in NYC

Spending: $20.50, prepaid transit card, train ticket to NYC; $20.50, debit card, nail salon (pedicure); $4, cash, tip; $13.04, cash, Korean ice cream place (Grace Street); $6, cash, more ice cream & donuts

More Sweet James

James, two nights ago as I was making dinner:

"Mommy, how you day was?"

After dinner, while I'm cleaning up:

He rides into the kitchen on his scooter and says, "how I can help you?" I say, "oh, thank you! Would you bring your bowl to me?" It took him about 6 trips to the table to bring the bowl ("my train's wheel broke!" "Where's the bowl?" "Right in front of you!" "I don't see it."), but I appreciated his offer and help.

Summer goals 7/18-7/24

7/18 (M):

initial weigh-in: 149 lbs

Exercise: Ran @ 4.0 miles, OCA trail

Food: Apple, oatmeal w dried cranberries, carrots, Mediterranean omelet, sautéed spinach, 6-8 fries, coffee w cream, chili, several olives, peas, blueberries, water

Spending: $33, Debit card, Horseman Diner

7/19 (T): Exercise: Ran 3.0 miles on OCA trail, with a stop to do circuit: sit-ups, leg lifts, plank, push-ups, step-ups, squats, wall sit, all 10 reps x 5

Food: walnuts; oatmeal; banana, berry, vanilla yogurt smoothie; carrots, hummus, apple, steak; coffee & cream; 4-5 bites frozen yogurt; carrots, walnuts; tilapia; mango salsa; peas; olives; two strawberries; water

Spending: $2, cash, water bottle; $17, cash, hot dogs, coffee, fro-yo for kids; $15, debit, Hillary campaign

7/20 (W):

Exercise: @ 2.0 miles OCA trail

Food: strawberries; oatmeal w honey; almonds; apple; celery; coffee & cream; kale, almond, raisin salad; bowl of chili; celery; fish, piece of steak, mango salsa, three bean salad, green beans, olives, blueberries

Spending: $37, BoA card, CVS, coffee, tampons, butter, Vaseline, Windex; $5, cash, Pastry Chef, coffee & cappuccino 

7/21 (Th):

Exercise: none

Food: banana; oatmeal w blueberries; coffee w cream; apple, walnuts, chili, celery, carrots; beef teriyaki, salad, edamame, Sapporo

Spending: $34, Discover, Sears, underwear for Merryn; $51, gift cards, Old Navy, clothes for me, kids; $112, Discover, H&M, clothes for me; $12, debit card, parking; $14, BoA card, groceries (apple, nuts, Popsicles)

7/22 (F):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail, with a stop to do circuit (see above)

Food: banana, walnuts; oatmeal, honey, coffee w cream; berry & yogurt smoothie, chili, kale salad w nuts, berries; carrots; sautéed chicken, kale salad, mango salsa, lettuce & artichoke salad, sautéed zucchini, Corona, water

Spending: $23, cash, threading salon 

7/23 (S):

Exercise: @ 4.0 miles, OCA trail

Food: banana, almonds; oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; apple, carrots, chili, lettuce salad w artichokes; (Maryam's house) rice, grape leaves w meat inside, chicken legs, plantains, chard(?), chocolate cake, fruit, Corona, 1 glass Chardonnay 

Spending: $10.93, BoA card, CVS, notecards, chocolate; $10, BoA card, CTown, coffee filters, strawberries; $20, BoA card, gas; $10, cash, pool entry, $10, debit card, bodega, Corona

7/24 (Su):

Exercise: 3.0 miles on OCA trail (some walking due to heat), stop for circuit (see above) 2 times only

Food: banana, oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; carrots w hummus; almonds; lettuce salad w chicken (breaded); celery; small raspberry sorbet; salad with chicken (breaded); water

Spending: $10, debit card, sorbets for kids & me, Lighthouse

Summer goals

Now that we are back from our family reunion/Clear Lake trip, it feels like it's time to set some goals for the rest of the summer. Trying to be realistic, I now say my goals are: 1. Resume keeping a food diary; 2. Resume keeping a financial diary; 3. Organize computer files; 4. Organize office room; 5. Resume keeping exercise diary; 6. Curriculum planning

Sweet James

James turned 3 on Friday, two days ago. He is such a sweet boy. A few quotes:

He likes to snuggle with one of us to fall asleep. Usually with JJ, but sometimes with me. The other night, I was lying with him and he was talking non-stop until he crashed. I remember him saying "the boat was really awesome! The lake was really awesome!" And he rolled over and was staring into my eyes. He said, "our green eyes is looking at each other, Mommy! You's green eyes is flashing!" Then, "let's close our eyes and go to sleep." 

Last night we were in a hotel. First, just like the last time we were in a hotel (at the beginning of the trip, near Hershey Park), he was saying "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" at 9:00 pm just as we wet trying to fall asleep. Then as we lay down, he put his arm under me. He said, "I put my's arm around you, Mommy." I said, "oh, thank you!" Later I put my arms around him, and he said, "I like that!" He woke us up with "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" also.

Just now in the car he said "I want to fall asleep so I can wake up and say 'how we got here?'"

"Why would I hug you?"

On Thurs., June 16, I came home feeling frustrated. I had been trying to make myself heard at school about some issues with the schedule; wasn't working.  I was feeling a lot of tension on my teaching team, and a lack of support. I had several frustrations with JJ too. He crashed our car at the beginning of May. It wasn't worth it to get it repaired so he donated it. My parents lent their Prius and he has been driving it to work ever since. But he hasn't shown any recognition that it isn't actually his, or ours; he also hasn't expressed a word of appreciation. He has been driving to work using my EZ Pass, and that's adding $100 to my monthly expenses. Also, I had been trying to organize a birthday party for the kids, and had mentioned several times that I wanted to talk to him to make a final decision about where we'd have it. He was kind of blowing me off, avoiding the conversation. He had handled it similarly last year, avoiding the conversation and ignoring me. That morning I had made a spreadsheet of 6 different options--prices, amenities, pros, cons. I emailed it to him and asked him to rank them. But I felt kind if resentful having to take the time to do that--why couldn't we have just talked about it? Was this going to be the pattern, a source of conflict, every year? Would a fun, joyful day always become a chore and a tedious fight?1 And I didn't like feeling like I was giving him so much power to make the call, like a secretary gathering all this information only for him to decide. I have my opinions too, and realistically, I have done the planning and paying for parties in the past and I expect it will be the same this year. He had responded with his top 3 choices, and fortunately there was one idea that was on my list too, the pool. So, on the positive side, we were able to decide. On the negative side, though, I felt a little bitter about what it took to make the decision. It felt like I was putting a major effort into gathering information, trying to listen to him, make everyone happy, and he was putting in no effort. And not appreciating my efforts, either. Finally, I felt frustrated because I had been shopping for Father's Day cards, and he had not given me any card on Mother's Day. And I noticed his dad's Father's Day card to JJ on the table, and felt annoyed that his dad sends me a check for $50 for Mother's Day, and a check for $100 for Father's Day to JJ. On all other holidays, he addresses a card to both of us, but writes a check only to JJ. I try not to let it bother me, but it does--I mean, are we family, or aren't we? Are we equal? One more thing, I received my mom's will in the mail that day, in which she referred to me as "Amy Roberts-O'Connell." It irritated me because it reminded me that when I'd asked JJ if he wanted me to change my name to O'Connell, he said no..."all the teachers at my school use their maiden names." At the time, and all along, it has been hard to believe that our marriage is real, something to be proud of and celebrate. So this had felt like another missed opportunity to make it known that this is the real thing, that we're in it for real, for life. Because of that conversation, I remained Amy Roberts. And for me , my name is a symbol now of our estrangement, of being only partially in, of independence. I guess I may have told my mom, in more hopeful times, that who knows, maybe I'd change it later, that she could add O'Connell to my name; I didn't care then. Now, though, given our state, it feels like a lack of recognition of all the things I've said. Taking some power away from me to choose my name and what it represents to me. So I felt annoyed when I saw she had put it that way in a legal document. 

By the time I got home, I was frustrated thinking of all of this. I wanted to get it off my chest. So I told JJ everything I wrote above: frustrated about work, about the car, about planning the party. At the end, I said, "I'm just really tired. And I need a hug."

He said, "why would I hug you? You just told me how evil I am and berated me for half an hour." 

I was stunned. I said, "what? I wasn't berating you, I was expressing a few frustrations. Yes, some frustrations were about you. But they were specific, and honest and, if you really think about it, they are reasonable. I didn't say you are evil, I said I'm frustrated about work, and the car, and the birthday party, and I'm tired and I need a hug." 

He still would not hug me. We never hug anyway. But we haven't hugged since.