My rage is right on time

MLK day 2018

I’d like some year to make this day a day of service, as many already do. Today I can’t say I really did that; I didn’t even leave the house. I will say that I was happy to see that many were posting quotes and videos of Dr. King online and honoring his memory in a respectful way. Everything about his life and message is still inspiring and gives people hope. It seemed especially important in the age of Trump to remember the struggle he led 50 years ago and to see the people who stood bravely with him. And to recognize that we still hope up his dream as our goal and our ideal. And to realize that in some places and in some realms that dream has been realized, even while it has fallen far short in many other areas. 

Merryn learned a lot about it in school and is really interested. She was thinking with great sadness about how it would be if she could not sit with friends like Seras and Aaliyah on the bus. We watched a Dr. King video and she heard a quote about white and black kids joining hands like brothers and sisters. She said, “well, I’m dark and James is light and we join hands as brother and sister.” I didn’t know how to tell her they are both white! She’ll figure that out soon enough, and for now I am glad she understands Dr. King’s sentiment. 

I am struggling a lot with feeling a bit depressed. I am having trouble with feelings of hate towards JJ almost all the time, too. We have a generally polite relationship with little overt conflict these days, but I often feel glad when we are apart. I don’t seek out conversation with him. We never touch or sleep in the same bed. My thinking for a couple years now has been to try to remain polite and civil to one another and try to take care of my own well being, to get sleep and exercise, eat well, take care of my finances, take care of my side of communication and do it in writing so there’s no doubt or confusion about what has been said or decided. And seeking relational needs like love and talking and support in other relationships. But sometimes I get overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of continuing to go through the rest of my life without feeling love or support, or appreciation, or admiration, or kindness or lust or affection in my marriage. We haven’t had sex in 6 months. And even before that it was only maybe 3-4 time throughout all of 2017. The same for the years before that, too. And there’s no physical affection of any other kind, either. It’s lonely. And unfortunately you can’t really go elsewhere for that like you can for emotional needs. 

Sometimes I feel really critical of myself as a mom, too. Just wishing I could be more patient, be able to be more present for the kids and really focus on them. I feel frustrated that they are sometimes lost in these I-pads JJ gave them but I also feel impotant in my ability to set a different pattern for their use. Because if I need a minute to do something like clean or check my own computer, it’s hard to say they can’t be on the I-pads when I’m not available to do something with them, or when I’m on a computer or phone myself. Also if I leave the house, JJ will let them be on the iPads the entire time I’m gone. I feel like I should be doing more to help Merryn with reading. And James seems to only want to be with JJ. He wants to sleep with him, sit on his lap, etc. He doesn’t really want me for anything. Obviously he’s a little guy and full of love for everyone, but it hurts a little. I was hoping to be able to make reading a really special thing I would share with both of them but that seems to be fading. James never asks me to read to him anymore. 

I don’t know, now I’m getting kind of sad about all of this. Time to go to bed, I guess.

Asking for information—2 ways to handle it

Tonight we went out to dinner at a hibachi place on 119. I drove. I was heading towards the Saw Mill, which I thought was the best route, when JJ asked me, “where are you going?” I said, “to the Saw Mill, then  exit 22 to 119. Isn’t the restaurant near Stop and Shop?” He said, “yes, but it’s closer to Mascia, so Benedict would have been better.” I said, “oh yeah, that’s probably true.” In any case, we got there, had a good time, and I took his suggested route for going back. 

It reminded me of a time when our roles were reversed. A few weeks ago, 12-26-2017, we were starting our trip to Alexandria. JJ had shown almost no interest in the trip in advance of it and had responded with silence when I had told him the days I wanted to go. But on the morning of the trip he’d said he wanted to leave by 8 am. But as usual we were leaving later, closer to 9 am. A few reasons, two being that I was cleaning up the house along with packing and I was really sick. He had told the kids we would stop for breakfast at McDonalds, which I assumed meant the McDonalds in Tarrytown. I had not eaten anything because I’d been running around packing, and I was really hungry when we got in the car. I said, “so we’re going to McDonalds, right?” He said, grumpily, “well now I don’t want to because we’re starting so late.” I said, “I’m really hungry and the kids haven’t eaten. It doesn’t really matter that we’re leaving at 9 instead of 8. There’s no rush to get to Alexandria, and since we won’t have any time at home when we get back from our trip I wanted to clean a little also. I’d really like to get something to eat.” He didn’t respond and started driving. We went 2 minutes when Merryn said she had to go to the bathroom. Thinking JJ was driving to McDonalds in Tarrytown, I said “you can go at McDonalds. We’ll be there in 5 minutes.” But then JJ turned the car around. I said, “where are you going?” He said, “home.” I said, “what about McDonalds?” He didn’t respond. We got home and he took Merryn inside. When they came back, I said, “JJ, are you going to stop for breakfast? Can you please just answer?” He looked at me with a face and tone full of complete contempt and said, “I WILL. STOP HARASSING ME!” I said, “I am not harassing you; I calmly asked you because you wouldn’t answer before.” Again no response. He started driving, out of Sleepy Hollow, into Tarrytown, through Tarrytown, way past the McDonalds. I said, “ where are you going?” He said, again full of contempt, “McDonalds!” I said, “But you passed it!” He said, “McDonalds in New Jersey.” I said, “well why didn’t you explain that before! I thought you were going to go to the drive-thru in Tarrytown.” He drove in stony silence for 45 minutes to the Burger King at the rest stop on the Garden State. Instead of driving through, he parked and we went in, and it took us about an hour.  JJ did not speak the entire rest of the trip, which took about 5 more hours through heavy traffic. 

I wonder how the day would have gone if he could have just calmly explained what he was thinking about doing in the first place.

New Year 2018

New Year’s Day, 2018

Feeling a little blue. I have the same amount of money in my savings account I had a year ago today. Things are about the same with JJ. I still rarely exercise. Not much has changed, and I doubt much will change this year.