MLK day 2018

I’d like some year to make this day a day of service, as many already do. Today I can’t say I really did that; I didn’t even leave the house. I will say that I was happy to see that many were posting quotes and videos of Dr. King online and honoring his memory in a respectful way. Everything about his life and message is still inspiring and gives people hope. It seemed especially important in the age of Trump to remember the struggle he led 50 years ago and to see the people who stood bravely with him. And to recognize that we still hope up his dream as our goal and our ideal. And to realize that in some places and in some realms that dream has been realized, even while it has fallen far short in many other areas. 

Merryn learned a lot about it in school and is really interested. She was thinking with great sadness about how it would be if she could not sit with friends like Seras and Aaliyah on the bus. We watched a Dr. King video and she heard a quote about white and black kids joining hands like brothers and sisters. She said, “well, I’m dark and James is light and we join hands as brother and sister.” I didn’t know how to tell her they are both white! She’ll figure that out soon enough, and for now I am glad she understands Dr. King’s sentiment. 

I am struggling a lot with feeling a bit depressed. I am having trouble with feelings of hate towards JJ almost all the time, too. We have a generally polite relationship with little overt conflict these days, but I often feel glad when we are apart. I don’t seek out conversation with him. We never touch or sleep in the same bed. My thinking for a couple years now has been to try to remain polite and civil to one another and try to take care of my own well being, to get sleep and exercise, eat well, take care of my finances, take care of my side of communication and do it in writing so there’s no doubt or confusion about what has been said or decided. And seeking relational needs like love and talking and support in other relationships. But sometimes I get overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of continuing to go through the rest of my life without feeling love or support, or appreciation, or admiration, or kindness or lust or affection in my marriage. We haven’t had sex in 6 months. And even before that it was only maybe 3-4 time throughout all of 2017. The same for the years before that, too. And there’s no physical affection of any other kind, either. It’s lonely. And unfortunately you can’t really go elsewhere for that like you can for emotional needs. 

Sometimes I feel really critical of myself as a mom, too. Just wishing I could be more patient, be able to be more present for the kids and really focus on them. I feel frustrated that they are sometimes lost in these I-pads JJ gave them but I also feel impotant in my ability to set a different pattern for their use. Because if I need a minute to do something like clean or check my own computer, it’s hard to say they can’t be on the I-pads when I’m not available to do something with them, or when I’m on a computer or phone myself. Also if I leave the house, JJ will let them be on the iPads the entire time I’m gone. I feel like I should be doing more to help Merryn with reading. And James seems to only want to be with JJ. He wants to sleep with him, sit on his lap, etc. He doesn’t really want me for anything. Obviously he’s a little guy and full of love for everyone, but it hurts a little. I was hoping to be able to make reading a really special thing I would share with both of them but that seems to be fading. James never asks me to read to him anymore. 

I don’t know, now I’m getting kind of sad about all of this. Time to go to bed, I guess.