Feeling down

I feel totally despondent about my marriage. I think it has been over for a long, long time and yet I can’t get out. After paying back the $20,000 it took to try to leave before, I have not been able to accumulate any savings again yet. I don’t want to not be with the kids. But nothing is going to change with JJ. We have a marriage with no love, no sex, no affection, no kindness, no warmth, no communication. I don’t trust him or believe him. I see him as a liar who has no problem saying whatever he wants to say about me just to win. He shouts over me when I try to talk to him about anything, blames me for everything, and then shuts down and completely ignore me. On Sunday he refused to speak as I tried to talk with him, and then when I said can you respond? Can you acknowledge in any way my point of view? He says, “all you do is talk.” So then I don’t talk to him. At all. For days. And now everything I feel is held inside. And I wish I never have to see him again. 

BBQ lunch cancelled

This morning JJ told me he wanted to take the kids to lunch at a BBQ restaurant in Irvington with Dan & Amy and their kids. He said they were meeting there at noon. I already had plans for the afternoon with Catherine. The restaurant is about 15 mins from our house. I took Merryn to swim class from 9:35 to 10:20. Afterwards, she took a shower and got dressed, and we got in the car. I didn’t look at the time then, but it was probably around 10:45. Thinking we had lots of time, I said let’s make a quick run to Home Depot. We spent a little time there, and were back in the car by 11:30. We pulled up to the house at 11:40. JJ and James were in the yard. JJ met us with a dark look. He asked where we had been, and we told him Home Depot. I said are you getting ready to go? He said “too late. I cancelled.” I said, “you cancelled lunch? For what? There’s still plenty of time to get to Irvington.  You didn’t call me or anything.” He said, “I did call.” I looked at my phone when I got inside and saw that he had called. I had not seen that before. His message was at 11 and he was saying he was about to leave for the restaurant. I went back outside and said, “I just saw the message now. Why were you leaving for the restaurant at 11? You still have plenty of time, why don’t you go ahead and go?” He said, “you were too late so I had to cancel.” I said, “you didn’t have to cancel; you still have more than enough time to get there. You’re just being manipulative. If you want to be mad, that’s on you. I still don’t understand why you cancelled.”  He refused to answer me. I fed the kids lunch and said goodbye to go to meet Catherine.