Saturday, November 17, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Rifts
Merryn & I got back to NY after a good 5 days at Clear Lake. But while it was relaxing to be there and nice to see family, there was a lot of sadness too. While I was there I found out that Tina and Jerry are getting a divorce. So are Taunya and JoJo. Kirsten and Tom are moving again, this time to the Cincinnati area, and Tom is bi-polar. Laurie and George got in a fight over Liam's behavior, and he said some pretty terrible things to her. She left Bryan the next day because of it, instead of hanging out for a few more days. And, as much as I love my parents, I see the difficulties in their relationship too, and it was hard to be around them sometimes.
And I hoped to come home and feel close to JJ, to feel that we had missed each other and were glad to be together again, and to get some affection and feel love...but instead I feel distance. While I was gone, I initiated every call and text message, and I didn't hear from him at all for the final 24 hours. I know he isn't feeling good, but he never, ever expresses anything like, "I'm happy to see you," or "It was quiet without you," or "I'm glad you're back." He doesn't ask me any questions about the trip, or about anything, or tell me anything about what he did while I was gone. We were sitting downstairs and I was eating a slice of pizza for dinner; he wasn't hungry. He wasn't looking at me or talking...Merryn was done and wanted to sit on my lap, but I asked him to take her since he wasn't eating. He just took her upstairs and left me sitting there to finish eating on my own. Even though he typically isn't much of a conversationalist at dinner, this did feel kind of crappy because we had not seen each other all week, and I had just spent the week with family, talking, catching up and laughing at every meal.
But the worst feeling is this, that when I leave I feel overwhelmed with fear that he is going to cheat on me, or that he did while I was away. That's because he did already. He had an affair with Bupe, his friend Dan's wife, for a long time, maybe 2 years. The second year, or however long it was, overlapped with my relationship with JJ, with our first year of dating. I found out about it because she e-mailed me anonymously in Sept. 2010 telling me what had happened. I asked JJ about it when I read her message, and he told me about the affair. He acknowledged that it had overlapped with me but said it had only been 3 times near the beginning of our relationship. He said he cared about me and loved me and wanted to stay together. I told him I wanted to stay together too, because I had thought it had been a great year. And I loved him too. And I hated that she had approached me anonymously, and I felt then that he was being honest with me. And...I got pregnant just a few weeks later.
But there are aspects of that have continue to gnaw at me, even though I don't want them to. She said in her e-mail that she slept with him "whenever [I] didn't spend the night with JJ or traveled." She said that they had been hooking up for the entire year, meaning that they overlapped with me and JJ the entire time we had been dating. She said that she had "dumped him," not the opposite, and that this had happened that summer, not seven or eight months earlier, as JJ claimed. I wanted to believe what JJ said and I still want to believe it, but there are things that bother me. Early that summer, I had gone to California to be there when Isaac was born. While I was gone, JJ didn't communicate much then either. When I came back, I had this weird feeling when I got to the apartment...for one thing, the covers on the couches were missing and had been taken to the laundromat, something JJ had never done before, and it made me a little...curious...
Also, there were things I believed when JJ first told them to me, but I have questioned over time....a text message I happened to see in summer of 2010 that said "I love you too"...I asked him about it and his first reaction was to act puzzled, then he said, "You sent me that." But we both knew I had not sent that one...after a couple of hours passed, he told me that June, his ex-wife, had sent it sarcastically in response to an ongoing text conversation they had been having about canceling her EZPass. But 2 hours had passed before he told me this explanation. And he never showed me the text messages. This was before I knew about Bupe, and until then I had had no reason not to trust him or believe him, so I accepted that story. But after I heard about Bupe, I remembered this incident and started to doubt it, and I still have some doubts now.
On one other occasion, he deliberately misled me, and we both know it. And I also know of two occasions where he misled someone else, and I witnessed it. These occasions weren't the biggest deceptions in the world, but in the context I just explained, they felt pretty terrible. Any other times, I have no proof of anything either way, but it's evident that my trust in JJ was damaged, and as much as I would like to rebuild it there's a small portion that may never be recovered. I don't want to live feeling paranoid and afraid at all times, scared to even turn my back. We have to trust each other, and most of the time I do, but there are times that my fears get the better of me, and tonight is one of those nights. I feel scared that something happened while I was gone, I guess because the sheets were in the laundry when I got home. It's not entirely a rational fear, but it's not entirely irrational either. All I know is that it is messing with my mind, and I haven't slept a wink. And it's 4:10 am.
It's a night where sleeping next to JJ would have reassured and comforted me a little, but instead he went to bed much later than I did, and Merryn is between us as usual, and he apparently couldn't sleep well either so he moved down to the couch....
And I hoped to come home and feel close to JJ, to feel that we had missed each other and were glad to be together again, and to get some affection and feel love...but instead I feel distance. While I was gone, I initiated every call and text message, and I didn't hear from him at all for the final 24 hours. I know he isn't feeling good, but he never, ever expresses anything like, "I'm happy to see you," or "It was quiet without you," or "I'm glad you're back." He doesn't ask me any questions about the trip, or about anything, or tell me anything about what he did while I was gone. We were sitting downstairs and I was eating a slice of pizza for dinner; he wasn't hungry. He wasn't looking at me or talking...Merryn was done and wanted to sit on my lap, but I asked him to take her since he wasn't eating. He just took her upstairs and left me sitting there to finish eating on my own. Even though he typically isn't much of a conversationalist at dinner, this did feel kind of crappy because we had not seen each other all week, and I had just spent the week with family, talking, catching up and laughing at every meal.
But the worst feeling is this, that when I leave I feel overwhelmed with fear that he is going to cheat on me, or that he did while I was away. That's because he did already. He had an affair with Bupe, his friend Dan's wife, for a long time, maybe 2 years. The second year, or however long it was, overlapped with my relationship with JJ, with our first year of dating. I found out about it because she e-mailed me anonymously in Sept. 2010 telling me what had happened. I asked JJ about it when I read her message, and he told me about the affair. He acknowledged that it had overlapped with me but said it had only been 3 times near the beginning of our relationship. He said he cared about me and loved me and wanted to stay together. I told him I wanted to stay together too, because I had thought it had been a great year. And I loved him too. And I hated that she had approached me anonymously, and I felt then that he was being honest with me. And...I got pregnant just a few weeks later.
But there are aspects of that have continue to gnaw at me, even though I don't want them to. She said in her e-mail that she slept with him "whenever [I] didn't spend the night with JJ or traveled." She said that they had been hooking up for the entire year, meaning that they overlapped with me and JJ the entire time we had been dating. She said that she had "dumped him," not the opposite, and that this had happened that summer, not seven or eight months earlier, as JJ claimed. I wanted to believe what JJ said and I still want to believe it, but there are things that bother me. Early that summer, I had gone to California to be there when Isaac was born. While I was gone, JJ didn't communicate much then either. When I came back, I had this weird feeling when I got to the apartment...for one thing, the covers on the couches were missing and had been taken to the laundromat, something JJ had never done before, and it made me a little...curious...
Also, there were things I believed when JJ first told them to me, but I have questioned over time....a text message I happened to see in summer of 2010 that said "I love you too"...I asked him about it and his first reaction was to act puzzled, then he said, "You sent me that." But we both knew I had not sent that one...after a couple of hours passed, he told me that June, his ex-wife, had sent it sarcastically in response to an ongoing text conversation they had been having about canceling her EZPass. But 2 hours had passed before he told me this explanation. And he never showed me the text messages. This was before I knew about Bupe, and until then I had had no reason not to trust him or believe him, so I accepted that story. But after I heard about Bupe, I remembered this incident and started to doubt it, and I still have some doubts now.
On one other occasion, he deliberately misled me, and we both know it. And I also know of two occasions where he misled someone else, and I witnessed it. These occasions weren't the biggest deceptions in the world, but in the context I just explained, they felt pretty terrible. Any other times, I have no proof of anything either way, but it's evident that my trust in JJ was damaged, and as much as I would like to rebuild it there's a small portion that may never be recovered. I don't want to live feeling paranoid and afraid at all times, scared to even turn my back. We have to trust each other, and most of the time I do, but there are times that my fears get the better of me, and tonight is one of those nights. I feel scared that something happened while I was gone, I guess because the sheets were in the laundry when I got home. It's not entirely a rational fear, but it's not entirely irrational either. All I know is that it is messing with my mind, and I haven't slept a wink. And it's 4:10 am.
It's a night where sleeping next to JJ would have reassured and comforted me a little, but instead he went to bed much later than I did, and Merryn is between us as usual, and he apparently couldn't sleep well either so he moved down to the couch....
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Distance
Merryn and I are heading to Clear Lake tomorrow. We'll hang out with my parents, and we'll see most of the Brown relatives over the week, and some of the Roberts too. I am excited, but I am sad that JJ isn't coming. I asked him to go, and my parents even picked this week to go there so that JJ could come, since summer school finished last week. But he wanted to stay home. I wish he would have come, because I want us to do fun stuff together, and him to get to know my family. But he prefers to stay here.
I am really wishing we could have more affection, especially sleeping next to each other. But we still have Merryn in our bed. Now we are going to be away for 4 nights. So we won't have the chance for that until I come back. I miss sleeping next to JJ and I'll miss him this week.
I am feeling a little blue as well because it seems like my friendship with Maryam is changing. She's been one of my closest friends lately, maybe the closest of all in NY, since we both were pregnant at the same time, got married at City Hall, teach English...but I didn't like some stuff that happened last year. She came back from a 5 month maternity leave in the middle of the year, and focused on complaining about other teachers, from my point of view. She complained to Berena about Mark, our chemistry teacher, and Sarah, the guidance counselor. She told me she wanted to ask Trevor, our department chair, to tell Jen not to come to English department meetings anymore since she thought Jen was too negative. But the thing that bugged me the most was that she somehow got involved in a lot of conversations about Chris Berry, an English teacher that was hired last year. She seemed to think he was a terrible teacher, I guess because Catherine was complaining about him. For some reason Maryam and Berena were having lots of conversations about Chris. I am not sure if Maryam was complaing to Berena about Chris, or Berena was complaining to Maryam, but either way I don't think it should have been happening. Maryam was Chris's peer, not his supervisor, and I don't get why she was involved in these conversations. She said that she told Berena that she had not observed Chris enough to rate him, and that if Berena gave him a negative rating "we" would file a grievance. But I was uncomfortable with that also because I'm the union leader and I felt she was stepping on my toes. Also, I talked to my district union rep, who said that Maryam was being unrealistic--in fact, Berena did indeed have the right to give Chris a negative rating, even with only one observation. So Maryam was throwing down a gauntlet that I wouldn't be able to back up. Also, I am not sure that Maryam's message to Berena was quite that clear. Later, Maryam told me that "off the record," she thought Chris was a terrible teacher who failed to manage his classroom or plan effectively. She said "I don't know why you and Trevor are defending him." I asked her how she could possibly know that Chris was a bad teacher, and her sole reason seemed to be that the class didn't seem well-managed to her when she was in there watching a demo lesson that was taught by somebody else! I told her I thought that was unfair.
Berena gave Chris the negative rating. In the comments that she wrote him, the language she used was almost identical to the complaints Maryam made to me "off the record." So unless it was an incredible coincidence, they did a lot of talking about Chris. Whether Maryam was defending Chris like she said, or complaining about him, I think those conversations were out of line. What I really don't like is that within a week of these events, Berena named Maryam a co-chair of the English department.
Maryam has been a great friend to me, and a confidante, especially at times when JJ and I have struggled. But these seem like sort of shady dealings to me...She attacked me also when I told her I didn't agree with how she handled the situation with Chris. She sent me a text saying "I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with your reactions to everything I do and say." I ignored it because it seemed like an emotional reaction, and so much drama...just stupid stuff. But I was offended by it and I didn't like it.
We have seen each other this summer but we kind of quit communicating a couple of weeks ago. Normally she is extremely active on facebook, posting every thought or idea that comes to her, and she also is the first person to like or comment on things I post. But she hasn't said a word to me there for weeks. I have commented on her stuff, but nothing from her. I feel silly that I have even noticed this, but I am sad to feel that what was once a good friendship is changing, because I don't really have other friends like that in New York. Living in Sleepy Hollow and having a baby have made it hard to take part in the rest of the social life at school, and I feel like those that hang out socially don't see me as part of their crew anymore. So losing Maryam, if that's what's happening, feels like a major blow, leaving me feeling very alone.
I am really wishing we could have more affection, especially sleeping next to each other. But we still have Merryn in our bed. Now we are going to be away for 4 nights. So we won't have the chance for that until I come back. I miss sleeping next to JJ and I'll miss him this week.
I am feeling a little blue as well because it seems like my friendship with Maryam is changing. She's been one of my closest friends lately, maybe the closest of all in NY, since we both were pregnant at the same time, got married at City Hall, teach English...but I didn't like some stuff that happened last year. She came back from a 5 month maternity leave in the middle of the year, and focused on complaining about other teachers, from my point of view. She complained to Berena about Mark, our chemistry teacher, and Sarah, the guidance counselor. She told me she wanted to ask Trevor, our department chair, to tell Jen not to come to English department meetings anymore since she thought Jen was too negative. But the thing that bugged me the most was that she somehow got involved in a lot of conversations about Chris Berry, an English teacher that was hired last year. She seemed to think he was a terrible teacher, I guess because Catherine was complaining about him. For some reason Maryam and Berena were having lots of conversations about Chris. I am not sure if Maryam was complaing to Berena about Chris, or Berena was complaining to Maryam, but either way I don't think it should have been happening. Maryam was Chris's peer, not his supervisor, and I don't get why she was involved in these conversations. She said that she told Berena that she had not observed Chris enough to rate him, and that if Berena gave him a negative rating "we" would file a grievance. But I was uncomfortable with that also because I'm the union leader and I felt she was stepping on my toes. Also, I talked to my district union rep, who said that Maryam was being unrealistic--in fact, Berena did indeed have the right to give Chris a negative rating, even with only one observation. So Maryam was throwing down a gauntlet that I wouldn't be able to back up. Also, I am not sure that Maryam's message to Berena was quite that clear. Later, Maryam told me that "off the record," she thought Chris was a terrible teacher who failed to manage his classroom or plan effectively. She said "I don't know why you and Trevor are defending him." I asked her how she could possibly know that Chris was a bad teacher, and her sole reason seemed to be that the class didn't seem well-managed to her when she was in there watching a demo lesson that was taught by somebody else! I told her I thought that was unfair.
Berena gave Chris the negative rating. In the comments that she wrote him, the language she used was almost identical to the complaints Maryam made to me "off the record." So unless it was an incredible coincidence, they did a lot of talking about Chris. Whether Maryam was defending Chris like she said, or complaining about him, I think those conversations were out of line. What I really don't like is that within a week of these events, Berena named Maryam a co-chair of the English department.
Maryam has been a great friend to me, and a confidante, especially at times when JJ and I have struggled. But these seem like sort of shady dealings to me...She attacked me also when I told her I didn't agree with how she handled the situation with Chris. She sent me a text saying "I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with your reactions to everything I do and say." I ignored it because it seemed like an emotional reaction, and so much drama...just stupid stuff. But I was offended by it and I didn't like it.
We have seen each other this summer but we kind of quit communicating a couple of weeks ago. Normally she is extremely active on facebook, posting every thought or idea that comes to her, and she also is the first person to like or comment on things I post. But she hasn't said a word to me there for weeks. I have commented on her stuff, but nothing from her. I feel silly that I have even noticed this, but I am sad to feel that what was once a good friendship is changing, because I don't really have other friends like that in New York. Living in Sleepy Hollow and having a baby have made it hard to take part in the rest of the social life at school, and I feel like those that hang out socially don't see me as part of their crew anymore. So losing Maryam, if that's what's happening, feels like a major blow, leaving me feeling very alone.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Arms, helmet, work stuff
I am feeling good from a tough, scratch that, brutal Crossfit workout. You know it's gonna be ugly when you walk in and see Part A, Part B, and Part C--no rest in between--on the whiteboard. But, it was fun. And while I wish I could say my stomach has become a trim washboard (it isn't), I can say that my arms are looking kind of nice. If I do say so myself.
I picked up Merryn from daycare to take her to the doctor, and it made me giggle to find her transitioning into her new classroom (Infant/Toddler) sitting in a circle and listening to "Itsy Bitsy Spider" while wearing a yellow construction helmet. Funny little lady, already with her own style.
I wish I could detach myself a little from my job. But the problem is I care about it, a lot. I want it to be a really good place, and it frustrates me when it's not. Berena told me she'd call me today at 12:30 to discuss the schedule. This morning she texted me that she wanted to change to 1:30. At 1:55, Eva texted me and said they were running late, obviously, and changed to 2:45. At 3:42, they finally called. Now, really, I was just doing stuff at home, but I still think that was rude and disrespectful. Berena is always late and never apologizes for it, and I don't think that's okay in a boss.
We ended up having a sort of strange conversation, too, and I hope there won't be any negative consequences for it. I was a little blindsided to hear in June that Berena had asked Maryam to serve as co-chair of the English department, along with Trevor. Trevor's been doing a great job, and he's calm, democratic, and always respectful. Maryam is a wildly passionate person, one of the things I love most about her. But she can be extremely critical of other teachers and a little hasty to speak, and there have been times where I thought she didn't use the best judgment in saying and doing things. Also some stuff happened this spring that led me to doubt her word. In short, I had a pretty honest conversation with them about this new leadership structure. But I tried to be as diplomatic as I could, and I tried to express my feelings without creating a negative picture of anyone else. Well, I guess it's better to speak up about stuff, but I feel a little uncomfortable with it all.
I picked up Merryn from daycare to take her to the doctor, and it made me giggle to find her transitioning into her new classroom (Infant/Toddler) sitting in a circle and listening to "Itsy Bitsy Spider" while wearing a yellow construction helmet. Funny little lady, already with her own style.
I wish I could detach myself a little from my job. But the problem is I care about it, a lot. I want it to be a really good place, and it frustrates me when it's not. Berena told me she'd call me today at 12:30 to discuss the schedule. This morning she texted me that she wanted to change to 1:30. At 1:55, Eva texted me and said they were running late, obviously, and changed to 2:45. At 3:42, they finally called. Now, really, I was just doing stuff at home, but I still think that was rude and disrespectful. Berena is always late and never apologizes for it, and I don't think that's okay in a boss.
We ended up having a sort of strange conversation, too, and I hope there won't be any negative consequences for it. I was a little blindsided to hear in June that Berena had asked Maryam to serve as co-chair of the English department, along with Trevor. Trevor's been doing a great job, and he's calm, democratic, and always respectful. Maryam is a wildly passionate person, one of the things I love most about her. But she can be extremely critical of other teachers and a little hasty to speak, and there have been times where I thought she didn't use the best judgment in saying and doing things. Also some stuff happened this spring that led me to doubt her word. In short, I had a pretty honest conversation with them about this new leadership structure. But I tried to be as diplomatic as I could, and I tried to express my feelings without creating a negative picture of anyone else. Well, I guess it's better to speak up about stuff, but I feel a little uncomfortable with it all.
New York City
Okay, I said I'd do this every day, and I already missed one. So here's a quick something from yesterday, and then I'll try to write more later. Well, we went to NYC yesterday. Merryn and I had a little trouble getting out of the house but finally made it and met JJ at the Marble Hill station near his school. Then we drove into the city and met Colleen, Michael and Danica, and Barb, Courtney, and Taylor Gargaloni and their friend Christina. Toy stores, candy stores, ice cream stores, and stops at Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch so the girls could take pictures with the shirtless male models. Woohoo!
It turned out to be a fun day. But I think JJ has always known, and I'm also starting to realize, that navigating big crowds, especially crowds of tourists, is not that much fun. But with good company, it's all good. And Merryn continues to amaze me with her lovely little Merryn-spirit. Despite barely napping, she was curious and smiling all day, watching the busy world around her. I love how she sits forward in her stroller, holding the safety bar and looking all around. My little fearless girl...she wasn't intimated by New York City, or the ocean, or the staircase, or much of anything that I can see so far.
It turned out to be a fun day. But I think JJ has always known, and I'm also starting to realize, that navigating big crowds, especially crowds of tourists, is not that much fun. But with good company, it's all good. And Merryn continues to amaze me with her lovely little Merryn-spirit. Despite barely napping, she was curious and smiling all day, watching the busy world around her. I love how she sits forward in her stroller, holding the safety bar and looking all around. My little fearless girl...she wasn't intimated by New York City, or the ocean, or the staircase, or much of anything that I can see so far.
Monday, August 13, 2012
No cry it out
I resolve to really blog. For real this time. Even if I can only write a few sentences a day. If I can check Facebook daily and hand out "likes" like candy, I can write something here in my blog. Here I go.
Tonight I'm frustrated. Merryn has been sleeping in our bed for a couple of months now. In many ways I love that. She cuddles up next to me, and there's no magic like that. And to see her little face without any signs of trouble or worry, just happily asleep. A black, even row of eyelashes on cheeks, and delight. The thought of her being alone in her room without us there makes me incredibly sad for her. She may have points in her life when she feels alone, but I don't want her to feel that now. But JJ and I have not touched in bed in months. For all of our troubles, we curled up together like two spoons in a drawer every night we were together until now, and I desperately miss that. It's not that we haven't had sex in a year--we find a way to do that about once a week. But I miss just sleeping together. I miss kissing him goodnight in bed. And I miss his skin. We always go to bed with clothes on now, I guess because it would feel weird to be naked or shirtless with Merryn there.
So today I decided to try to put her in her crib, and try, to a small degree, the "cry it out" method. The idea is that you gradually teach your baby to sleep on her own by letting her cry a little, then going in to comfort her without picking her up, with longer times in between each visit until she eventually falls asleep. While the first day or two should be difficult, she should adapt and ultimately feel comfortable sleeping in her crib. I couldn't bear the idea of hearing her cry desperately and loudly and feeling alone and scared, but when I tried it she was crying just a little and sitting in her crib, not standing and trying to get out. I was lying on the floor below her line of sight watching her. After 5 minutes, I got up and put my arms around her without picking her up and kissed her head. I told her I wanted her to try to go to sleep on her own and that even though she couldn't see me I was there watching over her and protecting her.
But then JJ came in and, apparently unable to deal with any crying at all, picked her up and took her downstairs. He didn't discuss it with me, or show any respect for the efforts I was putting in or the reasons why. It made me so angry. I went down to the TV room, where he was trying to cuddle her to sleep and watching TV. I told him he had undermined what I was trying to do, and that he needed to stand by me as his partner. I asked him why he needed to get involved tonight, when he never puts Merryn to bed. As usual, he kept his eyes on the TV and didn't respond to me. This is how he always handles things.
Sometimes I feel desperately sad in my marriage. I am mourning for the things that I need more than anything but will never have. I need support. I need to be able to share my feelings with someone who listens. I need someone who considers how I feel. I need someone who can acknowledge a conflict and take responsibility for his part in it. I need kindness, compassion, and love. I need someone who doesn't ignore me and is able to speak. I won't ever have those things with JJ. We have other things--we can have some fun together, and there's the simple fact that our lives are together. Most importantly, we have Merryn together, our greatest love and bond. But there are other things I ache for and I know I'll never have, and on a night like tonight, when I'm reminded of this, it hurts.
Tonight I'm frustrated. Merryn has been sleeping in our bed for a couple of months now. In many ways I love that. She cuddles up next to me, and there's no magic like that. And to see her little face without any signs of trouble or worry, just happily asleep. A black, even row of eyelashes on cheeks, and delight. The thought of her being alone in her room without us there makes me incredibly sad for her. She may have points in her life when she feels alone, but I don't want her to feel that now. But JJ and I have not touched in bed in months. For all of our troubles, we curled up together like two spoons in a drawer every night we were together until now, and I desperately miss that. It's not that we haven't had sex in a year--we find a way to do that about once a week. But I miss just sleeping together. I miss kissing him goodnight in bed. And I miss his skin. We always go to bed with clothes on now, I guess because it would feel weird to be naked or shirtless with Merryn there.
So today I decided to try to put her in her crib, and try, to a small degree, the "cry it out" method. The idea is that you gradually teach your baby to sleep on her own by letting her cry a little, then going in to comfort her without picking her up, with longer times in between each visit until she eventually falls asleep. While the first day or two should be difficult, she should adapt and ultimately feel comfortable sleeping in her crib. I couldn't bear the idea of hearing her cry desperately and loudly and feeling alone and scared, but when I tried it she was crying just a little and sitting in her crib, not standing and trying to get out. I was lying on the floor below her line of sight watching her. After 5 minutes, I got up and put my arms around her without picking her up and kissed her head. I told her I wanted her to try to go to sleep on her own and that even though she couldn't see me I was there watching over her and protecting her.
But then JJ came in and, apparently unable to deal with any crying at all, picked her up and took her downstairs. He didn't discuss it with me, or show any respect for the efforts I was putting in or the reasons why. It made me so angry. I went down to the TV room, where he was trying to cuddle her to sleep and watching TV. I told him he had undermined what I was trying to do, and that he needed to stand by me as his partner. I asked him why he needed to get involved tonight, when he never puts Merryn to bed. As usual, he kept his eyes on the TV and didn't respond to me. This is how he always handles things.
Sometimes I feel desperately sad in my marriage. I am mourning for the things that I need more than anything but will never have. I need support. I need to be able to share my feelings with someone who listens. I need someone who considers how I feel. I need someone who can acknowledge a conflict and take responsibility for his part in it. I need kindness, compassion, and love. I need someone who doesn't ignore me and is able to speak. I won't ever have those things with JJ. We have other things--we can have some fun together, and there's the simple fact that our lives are together. Most importantly, we have Merryn together, our greatest love and bond. But there are other things I ache for and I know I'll never have, and on a night like tonight, when I'm reminded of this, it hurts.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Introduction
Well! A blog. I have never had a blog before. I never thought of myself as someone who blogs. Yet here I am, blogging. So, as a non-blogger, why am I blogging now? I guess I have a lot of things on my mind, and I want to express them. I have a friend who posts her every mood and thought on facebook, but I was raised to keep things more private than that. Yet...I think I feel a sense of jealousy and longing when I read her posts. I, too, would like to share my innermost thoughts with the world, and see what the world has to say back.
I am 38 years old, and I have just completed the most dramatic year of my life. I got married last February, five months pregnant. Then I gave birth to my daughter June 29th, and she's the most precious thing I've ever had or known. I still look at her in disbelief--how could something so beautiful be mine? Now I am her world, along with her daddy, and she is ours. Seeing her smile at me is the greatest elation, the highest high I've ever felt. I feel almost afraid of it, afraid of having her fragile and innocent life in our hands.
I want so much to do right by her, to raise her as a confident and happy girl who feels nothing but unconditional love. I have felt sadness, and depression, and pain, and I want to carry all of that for her. I want her never to experience those things, although I know that she will have to live her life and she'll sometimes stumble and fall as she passes through life's paths.
I am 38 years old, and I have just completed the most dramatic year of my life. I got married last February, five months pregnant. Then I gave birth to my daughter June 29th, and she's the most precious thing I've ever had or known. I still look at her in disbelief--how could something so beautiful be mine? Now I am her world, along with her daddy, and she is ours. Seeing her smile at me is the greatest elation, the highest high I've ever felt. I feel almost afraid of it, afraid of having her fragile and innocent life in our hands.
I want so much to do right by her, to raise her as a confident and happy girl who feels nothing but unconditional love. I have felt sadness, and depression, and pain, and I want to carry all of that for her. I want her never to experience those things, although I know that she will have to live her life and she'll sometimes stumble and fall as she passes through life's paths.
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