No cry it out

I resolve to really blog. For real this time. Even if I can only write a few sentences a day. If I can check Facebook daily and hand out "likes" like candy, I can write something here in my blog. Here I go.

Tonight I'm frustrated. Merryn has been sleeping in our bed for a couple of months now. In many ways I love that. She cuddles up next to me, and there's no magic like that. And to see her little face without any signs of trouble or worry, just happily asleep. A black, even row of eyelashes on cheeks, and delight. The thought of her being alone in her room without us there makes me incredibly sad for her. She may have points in her life when she feels alone, but I don't want her to feel that now. But JJ and I have not touched in bed in months. For all of our troubles, we curled up together like two spoons in a drawer every night we were together until now, and I desperately miss that. It's not that we haven't had sex in a year--we find a way to do that about once a week. But I miss just sleeping together. I miss kissing him goodnight in bed. And I miss his skin. We always go to bed with clothes on now, I guess because it would feel weird to be naked or shirtless with Merryn there.

So today I decided to try to put her in her crib, and try, to a small degree, the "cry it out" method. The idea is that you gradually teach your baby to sleep on her own by letting her cry a little, then going in to comfort her without picking her up, with longer times in between each visit until she eventually falls asleep. While the first day or two should be difficult, she should adapt and ultimately feel comfortable sleeping in her crib. I couldn't bear the idea of hearing her cry desperately and loudly and feeling alone and scared, but when I tried it she was crying just a little and sitting in her crib, not standing and trying to get out. I was lying on the floor below her line of sight watching her. After 5 minutes, I got up and put my arms around her without picking her up and kissed her head. I told her I wanted her to try to go to sleep on her own and that even though she couldn't see me I was there watching over her and protecting her.

But then JJ came in and, apparently unable to deal with any crying at all, picked her up and took her downstairs. He didn't discuss it with me, or show any respect for the efforts I was putting in or the reasons why. It made me so angry. I went down to the TV room, where he was trying to cuddle her to sleep and watching TV. I told him he had undermined what I was trying to do, and that he needed to stand by me as his partner. I asked him why he needed to get involved tonight, when he never puts Merryn to bed. As usual, he kept his eyes on the TV and didn't respond to me. This is how he always handles things.

Sometimes I feel desperately sad in my marriage. I am mourning for the things that I need more than anything but will never have. I need support. I need to be able to share my feelings with someone who listens. I need someone who considers how I feel. I need someone who can acknowledge a conflict and take responsibility for his part in it. I need kindness, compassion, and love. I need someone who doesn't ignore me and is able to speak. I won't ever have those things with JJ. We have other things--we can have some fun together, and there's the simple fact that our lives are together. Most importantly, we have Merryn together, our greatest love and bond. But there are other things I ache for and I know I'll never have, and on a night like tonight, when I'm reminded of this, it hurts.