Seatbelt issue

On Sunday, we were going to visit Lira. First and foremost, I want to say this: I'm grateful that JJ came. But, there was an incident on the way that really bothered me and dampened my mood. Merryn was having a little bit of a meltdown. She wanted to go to the bathroom but refused to put her shoes on; cried and whined the whole way to the restroom at the rest stop; wouldn't walk and wanted to be carried; and then she hit my face on the way back to the parking lot. When we got back in the car, I looked back at her after being back on the road for ten minutes, and saw she had taken off her seatbelt straps. I said, "JJ, would you pull over? Merryn took her straps off and I have told her that the car won't go if she isn't wearing her seatbelt." (This was an issue a few days earlier as well.) He said, "Merryn, put your seatbelt on," but he didn't do anything. I said, "could you please pull over so she takes it seriously?" He shouted at me, "I don't want to pull over on the highway!" I said, "well what should we do, then? We can't just let her ride without the straps on!" He refused to speak to me. I said, "JJ, why are you ignoring me? What should we do?" No response. "JJ, can we figure out a plan together? She has to have the seatbelt on--that's not negotiable." No answer. So then I climb to the back and buckle the straps. She undoes them again. I rebuckle them. She unbuckled them. Filled with frustration, I grabbed her hands and held them. I'm shaking with frustration. Several minutes later, I see that JJ is pulling into a rest stop. I say, "are you stopping here?" He says, "yes." We all get out and he's cuddling Merryn and talking to her. I didn't even want to be near him. I felt completely, totally undermined, disrespected, manipulated. He didn't say a single word to her about the seatbelt. I think he wanted to be the "good guy", in contrast to "crazy Mommy." As we were heading back to the car, I said, "everyone stop. Merryn, this was about your seatbelt. Daddy supports me on this. You have to wear it." Of course, he didn't support me. Even during that comment, he started walking away with Merrryn. And in the car, he gave her cookies. So, not sure what she learned there. She did keep them on after that, at least.

Bubble burst

I took the kids for ice cream this evening. I wanted to get out of the house, and enjoy these last days of summer...

We got home @ 8:15. I brought the kids upstairs to start getting them ready for bad. JJ was watching TV. He seems to think that bedtime is not his job, until the final moment when he comes to lie down with James. So, I got their teeth brushed and then James ran downstairs to get Daddy. When they came up, I told JJ that James still needed his diaper changed. For some reason, James got really upset while JJ was changing him, and started crying for me. He ran out of the room to me and I picked him up. I was telling him,  "go snuggle with Daddy like you usually do." He kept crying and clinging to me. I tried to hand him off to JJ, but he wouldn't go to him yet. So then I said, "well, maybe tonight Daddy could read Merryn her story, and I could put you to bed." JJ rolled his eyes; definitely did NOT want to read Merryn a story. I was still trying to calm James down so I could hand him back to JJ, when JJ snapped at me, "well, you're just standing there! Do something!" I said, "what? You're blaming me?" He stormed back downstairs. I said, "wait, JJ, I need your help putting the kids to bed; I can't do it alone." He was already back in front if the TV. I thought for a moment how I was going to get both kids down by myself. Then I kind of snapped.

I went downstairs. I said, "JJ, go back up, and put one of our kids in bed. You don't get to sit here relaxing in front of the TV while I'm struggling alone up there. This is both our job."

He said, "you took them out for ice cream and you were late coming back. You can't tell time."

I said, "that doesn't matter! I still need your help. These are OUR kids, and it is OUR shared job to put them to bed. You don't get to run away when the going gets slightly tough. It's not optional for you but required for me. You don't get to pick and choose when you feel like being a parent and when you don't."

I tried to grab the remote from him, and he said, "don't touch me." We got into a tug of war, I shoved him, twice I guess. He did a dismissive little wave like I was his servant and said, "stop talking." I said, "no! you are so disrespectful, and you're the laziest person I have ever met." He said, "go! Go somewhere else. I will take care of them." I screamed at him, "I DON'T WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE! I WANT TO PUT THE KIDS TO BED AND I NEED YOUR HELP!" I told him I can't stand him. 

By then James had come into the room and was calmer. JJ finally got up and picked him up and took him to bed.

"Daddy doesn't know how to read"

JJ does not want to read to the kids. He just...doesn't. I don't know why. 

So the other day, James handed JJ a book that he wanted him to read to him. Merryn said, "No, Baby. Daddy doesn't know how to read."

This day in all its pain and glory

I spent the whole day alone with the kids today. JJ was at school preparing stuff for the new school year, getting their brand-new science lab set up. And after that, he met Scott Dingman for some beers. He's still out. 

I had beautiful moments with the kids. We ate at the Horseman diner, and the kids got their food but mine was delayed. Merryn said, "we can share ours with you, Mommy." Merryn and James made beds for themselves on the kitchen floor, using towels and a tablecloth. They rode around on "choo-choos" together and made each other laugh. We went to music class and got there early enough to go up the secret path. Merryn was thrilled to see that another little girl was wearing pink and green, just like Merryn. Merryn participated actively in every song, and the teacher at one point suggested we all so what Merryn was doing. James wanted to snuggle with me for the whole class, and he wanted me to carry him around when we were dancing. But he loved whenever they got out instruments. We drove to Patriots Park afterwards, and we walked over all the bridges and danced on the farmers' market stage. Merryn wanted me to sing songs to her, and I did, even though two men were sitting on benches nearby. Then Merryn got on the stage too and sang; James sat on a rock and watched, picking grass, or moving the rock around.  We walked all around the park, and James wanted to walk on the walls, which I let him do if my arms were around him. I told them we'd go to the restaurant for lunch. They said they were too tired to walk to the car. I tried to carry the two of them but didn't nake it far...they cried and dragged their feet but finally made it...we read "Where The Wild Things Are" and we roared our terrible roars and showed our terrible claws. After they napped, we swam at Barbara Ciccone's pool. Merryn jumped in the water from the steps for the first time, and did it many times. James let me swim with him all over the pool, and I can still picture his delighted face. We ate, read more stories...

But, tough moments too...Merryn and James were fighting on the stairs in the morning, and she was screaming at him. I put her in a time-out but she kept trying to sneak out, and I had to enforce it. I felt this bubble rising inside me, of frustration and anger...I wanted to stay cool but felt I couldn't. It was a momentary thing, it passed, I felt under control again, but I felt this moment of abject frustration. I felt it again at bedtime. With JJ out for the night, I was struggling to get the kids to bed. Even though he only helps with bedtime at the final stage--snuggling with James after I've given them baths, changed him, brushed his teeth and read a story to him. Lately, at that point he has been coming up to lie down with James and pat his back while a I finish up with Merryn. He usually falls asleep for the night with James. But without him here, I was struggling to get both kids to fall asleep. Merryn wanted to snuggle with me. James was getting out of bed. They wanted water. Merryn needed the potty. I'd been working on it for over an hour, and then there was this moment around 9:30 where everyone was still awake and goofing off and Merryn was on the bathroom scale and James was playing with water and I totally lost it. I shouted at them at the top of my lungs, "GO TO BED!" I put them in their beds and shut the doors. Again I felt this bubble of intense frustration rising up in me. Not just for that moment but for all the moments I have felt totally alone, totally unsupported, totally overwhelmed by thoughts that I need to do so many things, even though what maybe would be best for me to do is just be present with the kids, stay with them and fall asleep cuddling them, like JJ does. But I felt in that moment that I was failing at everything, that the things that used to be simple like putting a tired kid to bed are now so complicated.

And in that moment I got a text from JJ, saying, "My floor at school blew up." What??? "Gas explosion." I called him when the kids finally fell asleep (not that much later...I calmed down and gave lying down with them in the room one more shot, and it finally worked). JJ had spoken with a contractor before he left the school: "what are you guys working on?" "Bleeding the gas lines." Then 8:09 pm, a thunder-like blast...it tore through the entire science wing, the very rooms that JJ had been working on with Olivia and Oanh earlier. Three workers injured, grievous burns...horrifying. All in the hospital, one with burns all over his body, damage to his lungs. And the brand-new lab, totally destroyed, before they used it even once. JJ's classroom is gone, Oanh's and Dave's are too. 

Funnies

I was putting on my skimpy underwear today, and Merryn was watching with disapproval. Then she said, "you need to buy some new underwear that covers your whole butt!"

After music class the other day, we were riding in the car listening to the CD for the class. Between songs, they do these rhythmic chants: "bah, bah, ba-ba-ba-ba" "bah-ba, bah-ba, bah-ba, ba!" You listen to it, then repeat it. Merryn & I were chanting along with it, getting into the rhythm. But James couldn't really catch it, since language is still so new to him. Finally though, he tries it--as loud as possible, he shouts one long, "BAAAHHH!" Merryn & I died laughing. 

Today we got out the blow-up pool and they played in it on the deck.

Kisses

James is such a sweet and affectionate little guy...sometimes he runs to me and tries to hug me with his little arms, but they don't fit around my body. A few days ago he took my arm and gave me kisses all over my arm. Yesterday we were all lying in bed and he looked at Merryn and said, "Merryn cute!"

Bears!

Merryn's been talking a lot about imaginary bears lately. 

Me: Merryn, put on your shoes.

Merryn: (in a deep but enthusiastic voice) Did she say bears? I'm a bear!

Merryn: (in her normal voice) what? No, she said "shoes!"

Merryn: (bear voice) aww, I thought she said bears.

Last week, as we walked to the playground, she had James crying because she kept saying that a bear was coming. Later, I took James alone, and he wanted me to carry him the whole way, saying plaintively, "bear...coming"

Peace Corps a Fellows

I am interviewing to be director of the Peace Corps Fellows Program tomorrow. I told JJ Saturday; other than asking how much it pays, he didn't make a single comment or ask any questions. Complete indifference.

Gingers

Me: So, we started a new Magic Treehouse book, right? Want to keep reading that? Which one was it--pirates? Wild West?

Merryn: no...Gingers!

Me: hmmm...gingers? Oh...NINJAS