I had beautiful moments with the kids. We ate at the Horseman diner, and the kids got their food but mine was delayed. Merryn said, "we can share ours with you, Mommy." Merryn and James made beds for themselves on the kitchen floor, using towels and a tablecloth. They rode around on "choo-choos" together and made each other laugh. We went to music class and got there early enough to go up the secret path. Merryn was thrilled to see that another little girl was wearing pink and green, just like Merryn. Merryn participated actively in every song, and the teacher at one point suggested we all so what Merryn was doing. James wanted to snuggle with me for the whole class, and he wanted me to carry him around when we were dancing. But he loved whenever they got out instruments. We drove to Patriots Park afterwards, and we walked over all the bridges and danced on the farmers' market stage. Merryn wanted me to sing songs to her, and I did, even though two men were sitting on benches nearby. Then Merryn got on the stage too and sang; James sat on a rock and watched, picking grass, or moving the rock around. We walked all around the park, and James wanted to walk on the walls, which I let him do if my arms were around him. I told them we'd go to the restaurant for lunch. They said they were too tired to walk to the car. I tried to carry the two of them but didn't nake it far...they cried and dragged their feet but finally made it...we read "Where The Wild Things Are" and we roared our terrible roars and showed our terrible claws. After they napped, we swam at Barbara Ciccone's pool. Merryn jumped in the water from the steps for the first time, and did it many times. James let me swim with him all over the pool, and I can still picture his delighted face. We ate, read more stories...
But, tough moments too...Merryn and James were fighting on the stairs in the morning, and she was screaming at him. I put her in a time-out but she kept trying to sneak out, and I had to enforce it. I felt this bubble rising inside me, of frustration and anger...I wanted to stay cool but felt I couldn't. It was a momentary thing, it passed, I felt under control again, but I felt this moment of abject frustration. I felt it again at bedtime. With JJ out for the night, I was struggling to get the kids to bed. Even though he only helps with bedtime at the final stage--snuggling with James after I've given them baths, changed him, brushed his teeth and read a story to him. Lately, at that point he has been coming up to lie down with James and pat his back while a I finish up with Merryn. He usually falls asleep for the night with James. But without him here, I was struggling to get both kids to fall asleep. Merryn wanted to snuggle with me. James was getting out of bed. They wanted water. Merryn needed the potty. I'd been working on it for over an hour, and then there was this moment around 9:30 where everyone was still awake and goofing off and Merryn was on the bathroom scale and James was playing with water and I totally lost it. I shouted at them at the top of my lungs, "GO TO BED!" I put them in their beds and shut the doors. Again I felt this bubble of intense frustration rising up in me. Not just for that moment but for all the moments I have felt totally alone, totally unsupported, totally overwhelmed by thoughts that I need to do so many things, even though what maybe would be best for me to do is just be present with the kids, stay with them and fall asleep cuddling them, like JJ does. But I felt in that moment that I was failing at everything, that the things that used to be simple like putting a tired kid to bed are now so complicated.
And in that moment I got a text from JJ, saying, "My floor at school blew up." What??? "Gas explosion." I called him when the kids finally fell asleep (not that much later...I calmed down and gave lying down with them in the room one more shot, and it finally worked). JJ had spoken with a contractor before he left the school: "what are you guys working on?" "Bleeding the gas lines." Then 8:09 pm, a thunder-like blast...it tore through the entire science wing, the very rooms that JJ had been working on with Olivia and Oanh earlier. Three workers injured, grievous burns...horrifying. All in the hospital, one with burns all over his body, damage to his lungs. And the brand-new lab, totally destroyed, before they used it even once. JJ's classroom is gone, Oanh's and Dave's are too.
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