More parenting differences

Merryn was in a tough mood both this morning and this afternoon. She had a meltdown leaving the house this morning and I ended up missing my train. It was really frustrating. 

This afternoon, I got home first--almost unheard of. I decided to order a pizza for dinner. After I had ordered it, JJ came in the house and said, "Merryn wants to go for sushi and I said yes." I said, "I just ordered a pizza. I was about to go get it. And they need to go in the tub tonight." He told her outside and she started screaming and crying. I asked her and James if they wanted to come with me to get the pizza. James said yes but Merryn kept crying. "I don't want you to kiss me! You're a BAD mommy!" I was getting in the car when I see JJ come out to Merryn, who was sitting on the ground. He's telling her to get in his car. I say, "Where are you going?" He says, "getting her sushi for takeout." I just drove away. 

September goals 9/25-10/1

9/25 (Su):

Weigh in: 142 lbs

Exercise: 9.0 ? miles, North County Trail

Food: banana, oatmeal & honey, coffee & cream; Mediterranean omelet, spinach, bites of French toast, coffee; decaf coffee; steak, mixed veggies, baked kale; carrots

Spending: $39, Diacover, Horseman, lunch; $2.50, Diacover, Muddy Water, decaf 

Exercise:

Food: 

Spending:

9/27 (T):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, treadmill, 31:30

Food: 1/4 peanut butter sandwich; coffee w cream, banana; McDonald's oatmeal; apple, almonds, scoop of candy; chicken curry; apple; chicken burrito w rice, beans

Spending: $40, Discover, metro card; $2.14, cash, McDonald's, oatmeal; $11.40, Discover, Rite Aid, almonds; $15, check, Paula

9/28 (W):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey; coffee w cream; banana; almonds, zucchini & sausage soup; slice of pizza; green salad, pasta salad, fruit (at parent teacher conference)

Spending: $3.14, cash, Rite Aid, gum; $17, cash, pizza; $60, cash, Alex, babysitting 

Exercise:

Food: 

Spending:

Exercise:

Food: 

Spending:

Exercise: 

Food: 

Spending: $1.61, cash, McDs, apples; $14.57

September goals 9/18-9/24

HT(Su):

Weigh in:

Exercise: 11 miles on South County Trail

Food: 

Spending:

9/19 (M):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; 2 apples, chicken & cabbage stir-fry; almonds; piece of dark chocolate, carrots, celery, hummus; bowl of chili, corona, 1/2 ear of corn

Spending: $13, Discover, Rite Aid, almonds

9/20 (T):

Exercise: @3.0 miles, SHHS track + to/from

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; almonds; apple, bowl of chili; 3 pieces horseman pizza, Corona

Spending: $13.91, Discover, Horseman, pizza

9/21 (W):

Exercise: none

Food: Cheerios w milk, banana, coffee w cream; bowl of chili, apples, water; snack size Snickers; hamburger w lettuce; bowl of gazpacho, corona 

Spending: $3.21, cash, walgreens, emery boards

9/22 (Th):

Exercise: @3.0 miles, Broadway to Prospect & back

Food: almonds, apple, coffee w cream, banana, Starbucks protein pack; cabbage w chicken stir fry, apple; fish, peas, rice, Corona

Spending:

(F):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal, coffee; tuna salad, apples, almonds, carrots; mixed candy (from teachers' room); carne asada, veggies, rice & beans (small portion), chips & salsa, 2 Dos Equiis. 

Spending:

9/24 (S):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream, banana; turkey slices rolled w arugula, carrots & hummus, apples, 3 candy corn; chicken curry 

Spending:

September goals 9/15-9/17

9/15 (Th):

Weigh in: 143 lbs

Exercise: @ 2.9 miles, HS track + to/from

Food: banana, oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; almonds; chicken, veggies, corn; apple

Spending: $40, Discover, MTA, metro card; $2, cash, GCT, water bottle

9/16 (F):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

9/17 (S):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

Authoritarian personality/no attention span

We went to our second counseling session w Dominique Nerestan today. I feel like she does a good job hearing and reflecting back what we are saying. I told her about the thing with the wine festival. We talked about it for a long time. A couple of things of note were when she asked JJ, "how could Amy have communicated with you in a way that you could hear her? I mean--do you want to hear what she has to say?" He stalled for a long time, saying, "well..." He communicated a lot to me in that long pause. He said, "I don't have the attention span. She just goes on and on." I was telling her that I had asked him to say, "What's up? Why is the wine festival stressing you out? What are your concerns?" He said, "you see? She is always telling me what to do and say, she's volatile with an authoritarian personality." I said, "what were some quotes, JJ? Can you retell the story?" I said, "Details are not your friend, are they?" 

"You're crazy"

On Thursday night, after our first day of school, JJ told me "Oanh bought us tickets for a wine festival on Sunday." I said, "What, really?" He said, "Yeah, it's in Poughkeepsie from 1 to 5. We need a babysitter from 12 to 6. Is anything else going on that day? " I said, "I mean, yeah, actually. The kids swim classes start that morning. Um, wow, that's kind of a long time with a babysitter." I said, "She really just bought tickets for us? She just told you today?" He said yes.

I felt kind of weird about it. I kind of doubted that Oanh had bought the tickets without asking him if we were available first. I suspected JJ had told her it was okay to buy them, but hadn't mentioned it to me until then. I was thinking about how time is such a precious commodity on the weekend, and how there were already a lot of things going on. And James has been a little sick. Also, I was thinking that a wine festival sounds like a long day where JJ gets wasted and I stay sober because I'm not that into wine, and I am really there just to drive us home. I was thinking about feeling like I didn't see the kids that much this week and wanted to have some time with them. And I was feeling a little resentful about having to find a babysitter at the last minute, and wondering who would pay for it. For the most part, in our horrible "everything separate" financial plan we seem to have, I have paid for babysitters and made all arrangements for them. Having just paid for new shoes for the kids, and with an impending payment for the swim lessons, I felt like paying $100 for a babysitter seemed like a lot of extra money. The bottom line is, this plan seemed more about JJ getting a free ride to a drunken JJ day, with me making all the arrangements to make it happen, than about a fun "double date" with Oanh and Chris, as he described it.

Anyway, I texted both Nina and Alex about babysitting yesterday, and Alex agreed to do it. I told JJ that last night but mentioned I was worried about leaving James if he was sick. This morning, JJ told me James had had a rough night, and he thought he has croup now. I took James to the doctor this morning, and he just has a cold, but I still wasn't feeling totally sold on leaving him with a babysitter tomorrow. So I decided to try to talk to JJ about it. At lunch, I said, "Hey, so I have to call Alex to confirm everything for tomorrow, but I actually feel kind of unsure about this whole thing. I'm not sure I want to go." JJ said, "If you don't want to go, don't go." I said, "I mean, I'm not sure. I wanted to discuss it with you." He seemed super irritated, and was gathering his stuff to head upstairs. I said, "Well, if this is that irritating to you, then I guess I don't need to go with you." He walked upstairs.

Later I came up and tried again to talk to him. I said, "JJ, why did you storm out of room? I was not saying I don't want to go, I just said I wasn't sure and I wanted to get more information from you or discuss ways we can make it work." He said, "Well, you said you don't want to talk about it." I said, "What? No, I didn't! I said I DO want to talk about it. I was just trying to talk about it. I wanted to ask you for more information about it and let you know what I was worried about it, to see if we could find a solution." He said, "You seemed like you were making a decision that you didn't want to go." I said, "No, I wasn't. You could have said, 'what's going on? what do you need to know?' but you totally shut the conversation down. Could you say those things now? Can you engage in this conversation?" He said, "Either you want to go or you don't. Just decide." The kids came into the room, and JJ acted as if he was totally focused on them, and ignored me. This basically ended the conversation.

I felt really resentful that he wouldn't engage at all. I still wasn't sure what to do. I could see the fun in having a double date day and felt sort of like "am I just being kind of uptight here? Should I just be more spontaneous and go for this fun and rare opportunity for a 'double date'?" But I still felt annoyed by the way he had presented it all and definitely even less inclined to go now that he had refused to hear anything I was trying to say. He seemed totally indifferent about whether I was coming with him or not, and that definitely wasn't making me feel more into the idea.

But I tried to talk about it with him one more time a little later. I said, "Hey, I was trying to talk to you before, and I was hoping that we could think of not just a black and white solution--go or stay--but maybe you could give me some information, like who is paying for the babysitter. Like, are you paying, or are we splitting it, or what? It feels like a lot of money and time. And maybe we could go for less time than 6 hours, that was another idea I had. I feel kind of annoyed that you came home on Thursday telling me about this and then it's my job to find a babysitter, and maybe even pay for it. I mean, were you planning to contribute in any way? I mean, were you thinking of looking for a babysitter or did you just think I would take care of it all? I guess I will just cancel with Alex because we couldn't really talk about it."

He shouted, "I AM NOT GOING! You have made this whole thing into a fight so I'm not going!" I said, "What, now you're not even going? That's ridiculous. That's just some punitive passive-aggressive bullshit. It wasn't a fight, it was me trying to ask you some questions and find a way to not make this more fun." He shouted at me, "YOU'RE CRAZY!" I said, "NO, I'M NOT and you shouldn't be saying that in front of our kids, you jerk!" Once again, he stormed out. He walked out of the house and went to the garden.

Apparently now we are both not going.

So there's the story of our amazing opportunity to go on a date and feel more connected, and how to totally destroy it.

September goals 9/5-9/10

9/5 (M):

Exercise: none

Food: steel cut oatmeal, banana, coffee w cream; bowl of chili, baked kale; chicken pieces, zucchini, baked kale, water

Spending: none

9/6 (T):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, to & from SHHS track, 2 miles (5:00 am!)

Food: Cheerios w milk, coffee w cream; apple, salmon, green beans, lettuce salad; bento box at Wasabi (chicken, lettuce salad, 2 pieces of tempura), small Sapporo 

Spending: $1815, check, EMCCC, M&J Sept.; $24, cash, Pinkal, threading; $30, check, Paula Heller

9/7 (W):

Exercise: none

Food: Cheerios & milk, coffee w cream, banana; walnuts; apple; chicken curry, green lettuce salad

Spending: $25.58, Discover, Rite Aid, almonds, walnuts, 2 types toothpaste; $3, cash, fruit vendor @ 15th St, 4 apples & 1 banana

9/8 (Th):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

9/10 (S):

Spending: 79.70, Discover, Modell's, sneakers, balls, shorts for Merryn

September goals

1. Continue logging exercise, food, spending

2. Long runs on the 3 weekends

3. 3 x 3 miles during the week

4. Organize California closet

5. Pack up & organize Merryn's clothes