Total confusion

I'm just a few days away from leaving, and nothing could be more confusing than JJ being...nice. Showing concern, asking about my day. Being kind of warm. And caring. This whole thing makes me feel that I'm crazy, full of self-doubt, unsure about everything...

James' kindness

I was crying yesterday and James came to me, looked into my face with a lot of concern, and said, "wrong?" As in "what's wrong?" My kind boy, only 2 years old

End of dry spell

I was taking a nap. JJ came up and got into bed with me. We had sex for the first time in 6 months. Very confusing.

Lights on again

JJ turns on the hallway light and bedroom light when he is trying to wake the kids up. I prefer to gently pick them up from bed and start getting them dressed in the dark. I also don't like to have the lights on when I get out of the shower because I think people can see in the windows. However, he feels quit strongly about the lights. Yesterday, he turned them on, got James dressed, and was carrying him downstairs. I came out of the bathroom and turned the hallway light off. He shouted, "do you want us to never get out of this house? Turn that light back on!" I said, "I don't want the light on when I'm coming out of the bathroom with no clothes. And anyway, Merryn is already awake, and if she wasn't I would wake her up. Also you don't need to shout at me first thing in the morning."

What?

I'm not sure I'd call what we do "fighting"...because fighting requires participation. I would definitely call it conflict. In any case, there was never a point where going to Toms River for JJ's birthday was in doubt. I was talking with him at several points to plan it. "Should we go on Weds or Thurs?" "What time would you like to go? If you want to go later, I'll take the kids to music class..." But there was never, ever a point where I said or implied that we wouldn't go..,I was totally in support of going the whole time.

Merryn's birthday party

I suggested we have the party at a park because it was the last week of school, and I was totally overwhelmed with work. I thought the park would be more fun for the kids, too. But I guess JJ felt judgmental about that, not supportive. Like I was being lazy or something. He sure was not offering to help.

Warm & fuzzy for this girl

Graceland/onion

I'm standing here weeping 

Listening to Paul Simon sing Graceland

Blaming the weeping on an onion

And aching in every part of my body

For arms to come around me

Encircle me and hold me tight

A quiet voice in my ear to say

"It's okay. It's okay."

But the lack of that is why I'm crying.

Not the onion

All the same, there is reason to believe

That we will be received

In Graceland

Siri

Last week we were driving back from Toma River and heading straight to a birthday party. I had already looked on the map to find out where it was. The invitation said "playground at north end of Dobbs Ferry water front park." Thinking that was an official name, I put that into the google map, but nothing came up. So I realized that "waterfront park" was not an official name, but I assumed that, like in the other river towns, there's be a park on the River near the train station. Dobbs Ferry looked really small on the map, so I was confident we'd find it easily. We were still in NJ when I looked all this up, so I figured I'd direct JJ when we got closer. As we were crossing the Tappan Zee, JJ got out his phone and said, "Siri, where is Dobbs Ferry?" I said, "Oh JJ I already looked it up. I know where it is." He said, "so what's the address?" I said, "it just says, 'Dobbs Ferry waterfront park." He asked Siri again where it was. I tried to tell him, "it's not in there, it's just a generic name..." He kept trying to talk into his phone while driving. I said, "JJ, listen, I'm trying to tell you something. I already looked it up. I know where it is. It won't come up on Siri." He shouted, "can you let me just play with my phone?!" I said, "oh well sorry, of course you can play with your phone. I thought you wanted directions!" 

You gotta know when to walk away...

Today I took the kids to the corn festival at Philipse Manor. I asked JJ if he'd drop us off there. He did, and I asked him if he'd pick us up around noon. I texted him when we were ready; he didn't answer so I called. He said he'd get us, and we were waiting for him in a convenient spot when he arrived. However, he seemed to be in a foul mood and really stressed. He pulled into the parking lot and popped the trunk, then came to get James. I told Merryn to stay under the tree, and I picked up the stroller to put it in the trunk. He turned towards me and shouted "Stay! Stay!" I didn't know what he was talking about and I thought he was yelling Merryn behind me, maybe behind my back she was getting up and stepping into the street. So I looked back and realized she was still sitting under the tree. I said, "are you talking to me?" He bellowed at me, "Stay there!" jabbed his finger at the tree, then got into the car to back it up. A group of people were walking by, and a woman looked at me and shook her head as if to say, "he talks to you like that?" I said, "what are you screaming at me 'Stay!' for? I'm not a dog!" He at no point said a single word to me about what he was doing, so I had no idea what he was doing. I got in the car and he started driving before I shut the door. I said, "JJ, you just shouted at me like you'd shout at a dog. People gave me a look like they didn't like your tone. You totally embarrassed me!" He ignored me. When we got home, he rushed back to his project, putting stones around a tree. I said, "is that why you were in such a rush? You didn't want to leave your project? But you didn't explain anything to me, you didn't say a word. Why did you treat me like that?" He ignored me. I said, "I asked you a question, JJ." He continued to ignore me. 

Tonight I asked him to sit down with me after dinner and make some plans for the school year. He said, "about what?" Looking ready to walk away. I said, "morning routine. Bedtime. Money." I said, "but please still down so we can really plan it and talk as partners. And equals." He shouted at me, "so just ask! Why do I have to sit down, why do you have to make such a big deal, 'we have to talk!'" I said, "because you don't answer, because there's no opportunity to talk to you. He sat down, and I said, "so let's make a plan for the morning." He said, "we leave at 7." I said, "ok, but we need to plan the process..." He jumped up and shouted, "you see! Now you're changing it!" I said, "what? I didn't change anything! I didn't even get to finish what I was saying. I don't think we need to have these long breakfasts." He said, "no, that's not the problem. You're the problem. You're always late." I said, "No. I'm not. That's false." Then he started going into blame for everything mode. "You're always giving orders." "JJ, actually I have never given orders to you. Ever. That has never happened." Then he went into the kitchen and saw that some things were on the counter from when I prepared dinner. (We were just finished eating.) He said, "why can't you put things away into the refrigerator?" I said, "I'm still eating! I barely got to take a bite yet!" (I had made a meal for kids and heated up leftovers for us.) He was coming out of the kitchen and I was walking into the kitchen. He was walking towards me as if he intended to walk through me. I blocked him with my hands. He didn't raise his hands but kept moving forward. I pushed back. I said, "JJ, I need to know something? Do you want a divorce? Because I can't live like this. I'm serious, do you want to get divorced?" He ran upstairs. 

Later in the tub, Merryn was doing a play with her dolls: "stop pushing me! Don't push me. I don't like how you are talking to me." God damn it.