Naikan reflection day 7

On not having sex

1. Well, when we had sex I received two great kids

2. I used to try to be affectionate and warm

3. Now I have given up and I don’t try anymore. 

Naikan reflection day 6

On being more politically active:

1. I have learned so much. Gained courage and found friends. Educated myself on many things. Become curious and motivated to read more. 

2. I have made time to do it. I have tried to be a listener. I have tried to be consistent.

3. I have not always been able to do it. I have gotten bogged down in analysis. I have not been able to initiate or take on a leadership role.

Naikan reflection day 5

On my team at school:

1. I have received support and respect from them. We are a stable group. We generally like each other. Libby is super smart. So are Thomas and JC. Regina is incredibly talented. 

2. I have brought experience, a different POV, a commitment to students, willingness to work out the details.

3. I can be emotional and frustrated, get down on myself, feel hurt. 

Naikan reflection day 4

On trying to meet my savings goal ($10,000 by the end of 2018)

1. I have gotten halfway there and the goal is still in sight. I have the ability and resources to reach the goal.

2. I have taken classes and CLEPs over the past year to finally reach my Masters plus 30. This required a lot of money and a great amount of time and effort. I worked Regents scoring for per session to reach this goals.

3. I have been persuaded on several occasions to donate money to organizations and campaigns, even though I can’t really afford it. This is keeping me from my goal. And I hit a curb with my car, so I needed to buy 2 new tires. I have been unable to be as strict as I should be about some expenses. 

Naikan reflection day 3

On the Whole Life Challenge:

1. I have received some structure, more exercise, weight loss, a great feeling of confidence, success, a chance at introspection.

2. I have brought a willingness to try and adapt, a level of commitment (although far weaker this time), team leadership (for the second one), a sense that I can meet physical goals even though I am not as young as I once was. :-D

3. I have resisted this time. I have been lazy and complacent. I always blame stuff like that on being a little depressed but really, that’s all the more reason to take advantage of the challenge. 

Naikan reflection day 2

Being a mom:

1. I have received the greatest joy of my life, two little angels whose company I adore, whose curiosity, humor, love, interest in everything, openness, confidence inspire me and make me proud. 

2. I have given my love and attention, putting them above anything else. Everything now is for them. 

3. I have sometimes been impatient, frustrated, unsure of how to handle things. Distracted or depressed. Sometimes I wonder if I should push harder on some things. 

Naikan reflection day 1

This week I am supposed to choose a situation, event, relationship, etc. each day and write about these 3 three things: 1. What I received from it; 2. What I contributed to it; 3. What trouble I caused it.

Maintaining our home:

1. JJ has been doing a lot of laundry, organizing of toys , and almost all of the grocery shopping and yard work.

2. I cook, clean the kitchen, clean the bathrooms, keep things tidy, sort through stuff and try to get rid of stuff or keep it put away/organized, shovel snow, and take care of all recreation and social events.

3. I don’t have a deep passion for maintaining a clean home. I can see that a difference in levels of caring about this issue causes conflict. I can have piles of stuff that I mean to tend to, but I don’t always do that immediately. I also recognize that we have different levels of tolerance for stuff in our home. I wish we had a lot less stuff. 

Sex

JJ and I have not had sex for a year. Even in the year before that, we only had sex 3 times. I tried to initiate it a few months ago and he ignored me. Which was humiliating. So I never tried again. The last couple times we had sex, it didn’t last...

I want to have sex. 

I dreamed about a colleague last night. He is married too, and I’m not really attracted to him. He would never do it. I would never do it. It would mess everything up. It would be terrible. But it was a vivid dream. 

“Jar of Awesome” Day 7

Friday, May 25, 2018

Awesome today:

1. I survived being the coordinator of the Statue of Liberty trip for 65 students! It took us awhile to get out of the school but after we did I think we had a really nice day. Looking at all the pictures actually brought tears to my eyes...seeing all the students smiling & happy was really nice. My favorite moment was seeing them read “The New Colossus” in front of the Statue of Liberty. 

2. Dinner with the family at Sunset Cove with Dan, Julia & Lucy. Perfect place to relax after a stressful but fun day.

“Jar of Awesome” Day 6

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Awesome today:

1. My student Sami powered through an awful test and did everything I taught him to do and more

“Jar of Awesome” Day 5

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Today’s awesome:

1. Merryn & I left the house early enough that I was able to walk to the train.

2. I had the evening to myself with the kids because JJ was at sailing class. I was tired and fell asleep watching Ducktails with them but I loved snuggling with them.

“Jar of Awesome” Day 4

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Awesome today:

1. Enjoying my tiny bonding time with Merryn in the morning after JJ & James leave. Nice to have a few minutes alone with my girl each day.

2. Doing imagery lesson with students; one of my favorites. I have them visualize a special place in their countries and then describe it using their five senses. 

3. Seeing how excited people are about the royal wedding of Prince Harry & Meghan Markle. I shared on Facebook an article that Attica Locke wrote about what it meant for her as a black woman and an NU grad. 

4. Stacey Abrams won the democratic primary for Georgia governor!

5. Nice 20 minute run this morning at 5:30. Love that cool solitude at 5:30. Felt so good and strong.

“Jar of Awesome” Day 3

Monday, May 21, 2018

Today’s awesome moments:

1. Using one of my favorite speaking strategies in class—a “line up” where students face each other in two lines and explain their work, then shift to the right and continue until they’ve gone through the whole line.

2. I got a Regents scoring offer, and as brutal as the time commitment is, it could get me a lot closer to my financial goal. Not sure yet if I’ll take it.

3. Merryn did not have a meltdown in the car. I don’t blame her when it happens; I know she is exhausted. But when she doesn’t it just brings everyone’s stress levels way down.

4. James wasn’t feeling good and he let me hold him for awhile. He almost fell asleep in my arms. Sometimes it seems like he’s only interested in JJ and it can hurt a little...especially in the context of our cold and distant marriage. So it was nice to have a moment where James was just sitting with me. And he seemed to feel better, too.

5. Chili for dinner, one of my favorites. 

“Jar of Awesome” Day 2

Sunday, 5/20/18

Awesome things today:

1. I ran 40 mins on the treadmill—my longest run so far this year.

2. Taking Merryn to swim class. 

3. Taking the kids to the playground and for a walk.

4. Meeting two new neighbors—Christina and her kids Liam & Josephine next door, and Kirsten and Barry (?) down the street. And seeing James play with Liam, so nice for him because we don’t know any boys in the neighborhood James’ age.

5. Reading with Merryn. And now snuggling beside her right now.

6. The sun came out after 5 days of rain!

“Jar of Awesome” Day 1

Saturday, 5/19/18

Awesome today:

1. Taking James on a play date with Kavi and getting his know his cool parents, Premila and Saj. 

2. Mascia Music Festival in the rain. Seeing all of James & Merryn’s teachers, and many friends. Good music; amazing empanadas made by Megan’s husband.

3. A pop-in at Carol & David’s cocktail party where they made “fascinators” in honor of the royal wedding.

4. The Royal Wedding. Meghan Markle, fellow NU grad, married Prince Harry. Black American Episcopal bishop spoke—love is the way...if we could harness and use love we could change humanity...in as dramatic a way as did the discovery of how to control and use fire. Cello player, also incredible. 19 years old. Also Black. Black choir, and another member of the clergy. To be noted—the historical significance of a biracial bride with a Black Mom who descended from people enslaved by the British empire. Also loved the carriage ride through the streets of Windsor on a picture-perfect day.

5. Dinner with my great friend Catherine. Fun conversation, good for the soul.

Not normal. Crazy.

Merryn is a 6 year old kid who sometimes at home with us has a strong personality. Two nights ago she lost it and was trying to take it all out on James. She ran over to him and tried to hit him. I pulled her away and put my arms around her. She tried to bite me. I took her upstairs to her room and told her to take a timeout and calm herself down. I told her I would be right outside the door and would talk with her when she was calmer. The door doesn’t close all the way and was slightly ajar. She was yelling and crying for a little bit but was starting to calm down. She came out and told me she was ready, but then she ran past me and tried to go downstairs. I told her she wasn’t ready and put her back in the room. The door wasn’t closed all the way so I could hear her, but I started putting some laundry away. JJ came up the stairs and said to me “we should give her space.” Feeling a little annoyed because that was exactly what I was doing, I said, “yeah, I know.” Next thing I know, JJ walks into the room. My first thought was that he wanted to just say goodnight because he was heading to class, but then I saw him cuddling her and asking her what was wrong. She blamed me, saying “Mommy ignored me.” He kept talking with her. I felt annoyed and sort of tricked. He had just come up and said, “We should give her space,” and then had done the opposite by going in while she was still screaming and blaming me. I felt like it undermined what I had been trying to do—give her a little space to realize that she should not have hit James and try to bring herself out of the zone where she was screaming and blaming. I went in and said, “what are you doing? I was handling this. You shouldn’t be giving her space to have these ‘mean mommy’ blame-fests. You just said we needed to give her space and then you did the exact opposite.” He said, “I was trying to mediate.” I said “so are you giving her space or are you mediating? You don’t need to ‘mediate,’ there isn’t a conflict with me. Why did you say ‘give her space’ if you intended to go in and talk with her? She’s tired and she was having a meltdown and she needs space just like you said.” He turned to Merryn and said, “go in and lie down and take a nap.” I felt really annoyed because he was supposed to be leaving for his sailing class (which was a birthday gift from me), and I had been looking forward to a night alone with the kids. And I felt annoyed because he had sort of swooped in to “solve” a situation that I was already handling, in a way that I think was positive...at least I was not giving Merryn a space to blame me, him, or anyone else. I said, “JJ, can you just go to class? She doesn’t need a nap, and she doesn’t need you to solve everything. It’s a meltdown. In 5 minutes she’ll be fine and we’ll go downstairs and have dinner and this will all be forgotten. Just give her space—really.” This made him mad and he stormed downstairs. He said, “THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOT NORMAL.” I went down and tried to talk with him about how I felt undermined. That didn’t go well. 

Not that I didn’t know that would happen...

I was really bummed out by a strange team meeting at school, and then after I picked the kids up Merryn screamed at me and James the whole way home. So when I walked in the door, I think some major stress was showing on my face. Instead of ignoring it, JJ actually asked, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I had a really frustrating meeting at school and Merryn was screaming at me in the car.” JJ’s response? He just walked away. No “sorry to hear that.” No “what happened at school?” No “that sounds really stressful.” Nothing. It’s not a surprise, but normally he doesn’t even ask. So I thought I could just tell him, since he wanted to know. Not surprised, but still hurts.

Feeling down

I feel totally despondent about my marriage. I think it has been over for a long, long time and yet I can’t get out. After paying back the $20,000 it took to try to leave before, I have not been able to accumulate any savings again yet. I don’t want to not be with the kids. But nothing is going to change with JJ. We have a marriage with no love, no sex, no affection, no kindness, no warmth, no communication. I don’t trust him or believe him. I see him as a liar who has no problem saying whatever he wants to say about me just to win. He shouts over me when I try to talk to him about anything, blames me for everything, and then shuts down and completely ignore me. On Sunday he refused to speak as I tried to talk with him, and then when I said can you respond? Can you acknowledge in any way my point of view? He says, “all you do is talk.” So then I don’t talk to him. At all. For days. And now everything I feel is held inside. And I wish I never have to see him again. 

BBQ lunch cancelled

This morning JJ told me he wanted to take the kids to lunch at a BBQ restaurant in Irvington with Dan & Amy and their kids. He said they were meeting there at noon. I already had plans for the afternoon with Catherine. The restaurant is about 15 mins from our house. I took Merryn to swim class from 9:35 to 10:20. Afterwards, she took a shower and got dressed, and we got in the car. I didn’t look at the time then, but it was probably around 10:45. Thinking we had lots of time, I said let’s make a quick run to Home Depot. We spent a little time there, and were back in the car by 11:30. We pulled up to the house at 11:40. JJ and James were in the yard. JJ met us with a dark look. He asked where we had been, and we told him Home Depot. I said are you getting ready to go? He said “too late. I cancelled.” I said, “you cancelled lunch? For what? There’s still plenty of time to get to Irvington.  You didn’t call me or anything.” He said, “I did call.” I looked at my phone when I got inside and saw that he had called. I had not seen that before. His message was at 11 and he was saying he was about to leave for the restaurant. I went back outside and said, “I just saw the message now. Why were you leaving for the restaurant at 11? You still have plenty of time, why don’t you go ahead and go?” He said, “you were too late so I had to cancel.” I said, “you didn’t have to cancel; you still have more than enough time to get there. You’re just being manipulative. If you want to be mad, that’s on you. I still don’t understand why you cancelled.”  He refused to answer me. I fed the kids lunch and said goodbye to go to meet Catherine.

Most Important goals, Day 3

I did not do a great job working on these goals every day this week, but I’m glad to have had the opportunity to flesh these out. After this week, I’m going to name these as my most important goals:

1. Get my masters + 30

2. Save $10,000

3. Aim for authentic speech and communication in every sphere in my life

Most Important Goals, Day 2

Goals, round 2:

2/13/18

1. $10,000 in bank by 12/31/18

2. Get Masters + 30

3. Get classroom cleaned up

4. Help Merryn & James learn and love to read

5. Feel loved and desired

6. Get a massage

7. Run a 10K

8. Run another half marathon 

9. Paint hallway

10. Clean my office

Most Important Goals

This week I am supposed to write a list of goals for the year and then gradually narrow them down to just one.

1. Save $10,000

2. Get my weight down to 140 and maintain it

3. Remember what it feels like to be loved and desired

4. Finish my book 1491

5. Run a 10K this spring

6. Get my masters + 30

Appreciations Day 7

I appreciate people who show kindness. There’s a lot more of it out there than people think. I hope I am or will be one of them. I appreciate the lady near the Canadian border who gave away hats, coats, and gloves to immigrants leaving the country because they needed something. 

I appreciate myself because I try to know and tell the truth. I try to keep learning always. I try to treat my students with the warmth and respect I would like to receive. 

Appreciations Day 6

I appreciate my parents and siblings for showing me at all times what love is. Even if we can’t often talk with each other or be together. That love is supportive and kind, that it can show emotion, that love can laugh, that love never betrays. I appreciate my old friends—Missy, who just lost her dad. Catherine. The wonderful Catherine. Sonja and Nichole. Alicia. Many more. How blessed I am. I appreciate the Dreamers and all African Americans, who despite facing the ugliest parts of humanity their entire time here, have survived with dignity and  have thrived with grace. If we could follow their lead maybe our country will be great. I appreciate Merryn & James’s teachers. 

I appreciate about myself that I am taking classes this year at Westchester Community College. 20th Century US History in the fall and Nutrition this spring. Both very enjoyable and they are expanding my mind and my thinking. And forcing me to rediscover student skills I have long forgotten. 

Appreciations Day 1

I am supposed to write an appreciation for another person, followed by an appreciation for myself each day.

Saturday, Feb. 3

I appreciate Juan Carlos Perez for speaking out and telling his story. I appreciate all those who speak up in defense of others, especially in defense of others who are not as fortunate and privileged as we are, and of the truth. 

 

I appreciate that I am starting to find my own voice as well. 

Appreciations Day 5

I appreciate Nancy Pelosi for speaking for 8 hours in defense of Dreamers. She’s 77 years old and this was the longest speech on the floor of the House in history. I appreciate the Black Lives Matter activist whose name I need to look up and add here, because people should know his name, who jumped through police tape to grab a confederate flag out of some idiot’s hands. This guy, the activist, was murdered today. He mattered. His actions mattered. His life mattered. Black lives matter. 

I appreciate JJ for staying home with the kids and having Julia and Lucy come over most of the day as well. Today was a snow day in Tarrytown schools and it was his turn. He was typically grumpy about it being his turn this morning but he did do it for both our kids and the Steinbergs. 

I appreciate myself for trying to think of solutions to problems. For being kind of tenacious about that. For wishing I had the power to take care of people. And maybe for still feeling offended and angry about how awful people can be to each other for no reason. I don’t want to be either cynical or naive. I’d like to still be offended by things that are offensive, better that than ignore it, enable it. 

Winner, winner chicken dinner

Tonight I was at work late. Really late, actually. I took a 6:22 train. We had a really intense meeting at school that left me really frustrated and upset. Anyway. It wasn’t great to come home so late but...it happens. Anyway when I texted JJ that I was on that train, he responded, “you have a family at home. When you got out the chicken you indicated you were cooking tonight.” As if I didn’t know I have a family. As if he couldn’t cook the chicken or make something else or show any interest in me and when I was coming home earlier than 6:30 pm and he wants his chicken dinner. As if I didn’t pick up the kids, cook, set the table, clean up after dinner, unload the dishwasher, do some laundry, and put Merryn to bed last night while he sat watching his I-pad game. 

Appreciations Day 4

I am frustrated and upset so it’s hard to think about this.

I appreciate this challenge, and Matt for getting me to do it. I appreciate that we need to write appreciations because that puts my mind at ease. I appreciate my students, who are beautiful, whole, complex people who deserve love. 

I appreciate about myself...hmm. I was trying to express some frustration at work and it wasn’t working. The people I was talking to were defensive and didn’t understand. I don’t know, I still feel strongly that the point I wanted to make came from a place of wanting what is in the students’ best interest. I don’t want students who are not at internship to have their time wasted. Anyway, I guess I appreciate about myself that I was, in fact, trying to advocate for them. I also appreciate in a way that even though I feel pretty lonely a lot of the time I am trying to keep my head up and carry on. 

Appreciations Day 3

I appreciate my colleagues for caring so much about our students and for being so smart and dedicated. I also appreciate our willingness to help each other out, to cover each other’s classes if we’re running late, bring copies, etc.

I appreciate myself for doing this challenge and for sticking with it so far. I enjoyed cooking dinner and eating well last night. I resisted eating candy at our staff meeting. I am surprised to find I have the discipline to do it.

Appreciations Day 2

Sunday, Feb. 4

I appreciate my amazing kids Merryn and James. For their sweet innocence, for still waving to me as they run around at Play Place. For a fun afternoon of playing, then getting ice cream at Lighthouse and eating it by the fireplace there. For making everything fun, even going to the drive through bank or taking a bath. For their hilarious wrestling match tonight before bed: “Eagles” vs. “Yankees” (aka Patriots) (named for the “football” (baseball? Yankees???) teams playing in the Super Bowl right now. James wearing only pants and socks on his hands. Merryn wearing only a sparkly red shirt and underwear. 

I appreciate myself for trying to do my best as a mom. And trying to give my kids some of my time without being distracted by my phone or work. Also trying to help them be healthy and happy. Finally I appreciate that this morning I was disciplined and focused and did a lot of grading. I can’t always focus like that, but today I did.

My rage is right on time

MLK day 2018

I’d like some year to make this day a day of service, as many already do. Today I can’t say I really did that; I didn’t even leave the house. I will say that I was happy to see that many were posting quotes and videos of Dr. King online and honoring his memory in a respectful way. Everything about his life and message is still inspiring and gives people hope. It seemed especially important in the age of Trump to remember the struggle he led 50 years ago and to see the people who stood bravely with him. And to recognize that we still hope up his dream as our goal and our ideal. And to realize that in some places and in some realms that dream has been realized, even while it has fallen far short in many other areas. 

Merryn learned a lot about it in school and is really interested. She was thinking with great sadness about how it would be if she could not sit with friends like Seras and Aaliyah on the bus. We watched a Dr. King video and she heard a quote about white and black kids joining hands like brothers and sisters. She said, “well, I’m dark and James is light and we join hands as brother and sister.” I didn’t know how to tell her they are both white! She’ll figure that out soon enough, and for now I am glad she understands Dr. King’s sentiment. 

I am struggling a lot with feeling a bit depressed. I am having trouble with feelings of hate towards JJ almost all the time, too. We have a generally polite relationship with little overt conflict these days, but I often feel glad when we are apart. I don’t seek out conversation with him. We never touch or sleep in the same bed. My thinking for a couple years now has been to try to remain polite and civil to one another and try to take care of my own well being, to get sleep and exercise, eat well, take care of my finances, take care of my side of communication and do it in writing so there’s no doubt or confusion about what has been said or decided. And seeking relational needs like love and talking and support in other relationships. But sometimes I get overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of continuing to go through the rest of my life without feeling love or support, or appreciation, or admiration, or kindness or lust or affection in my marriage. We haven’t had sex in 6 months. And even before that it was only maybe 3-4 time throughout all of 2017. The same for the years before that, too. And there’s no physical affection of any other kind, either. It’s lonely. And unfortunately you can’t really go elsewhere for that like you can for emotional needs. 

Sometimes I feel really critical of myself as a mom, too. Just wishing I could be more patient, be able to be more present for the kids and really focus on them. I feel frustrated that they are sometimes lost in these I-pads JJ gave them but I also feel impotant in my ability to set a different pattern for their use. Because if I need a minute to do something like clean or check my own computer, it’s hard to say they can’t be on the I-pads when I’m not available to do something with them, or when I’m on a computer or phone myself. Also if I leave the house, JJ will let them be on the iPads the entire time I’m gone. I feel like I should be doing more to help Merryn with reading. And James seems to only want to be with JJ. He wants to sleep with him, sit on his lap, etc. He doesn’t really want me for anything. Obviously he’s a little guy and full of love for everyone, but it hurts a little. I was hoping to be able to make reading a really special thing I would share with both of them but that seems to be fading. James never asks me to read to him anymore. 

I don’t know, now I’m getting kind of sad about all of this. Time to go to bed, I guess.

Asking for information—2 ways to handle it

Tonight we went out to dinner at a hibachi place on 119. I drove. I was heading towards the Saw Mill, which I thought was the best route, when JJ asked me, “where are you going?” I said, “to the Saw Mill, then  exit 22 to 119. Isn’t the restaurant near Stop and Shop?” He said, “yes, but it’s closer to Mascia, so Benedict would have been better.” I said, “oh yeah, that’s probably true.” In any case, we got there, had a good time, and I took his suggested route for going back. 

It reminded me of a time when our roles were reversed. A few weeks ago, 12-26-2017, we were starting our trip to Alexandria. JJ had shown almost no interest in the trip in advance of it and had responded with silence when I had told him the days I wanted to go. But on the morning of the trip he’d said he wanted to leave by 8 am. But as usual we were leaving later, closer to 9 am. A few reasons, two being that I was cleaning up the house along with packing and I was really sick. He had told the kids we would stop for breakfast at McDonalds, which I assumed meant the McDonalds in Tarrytown. I had not eaten anything because I’d been running around packing, and I was really hungry when we got in the car. I said, “so we’re going to McDonalds, right?” He said, grumpily, “well now I don’t want to because we’re starting so late.” I said, “I’m really hungry and the kids haven’t eaten. It doesn’t really matter that we’re leaving at 9 instead of 8. There’s no rush to get to Alexandria, and since we won’t have any time at home when we get back from our trip I wanted to clean a little also. I’d really like to get something to eat.” He didn’t respond and started driving. We went 2 minutes when Merryn said she had to go to the bathroom. Thinking JJ was driving to McDonalds in Tarrytown, I said “you can go at McDonalds. We’ll be there in 5 minutes.” But then JJ turned the car around. I said, “where are you going?” He said, “home.” I said, “what about McDonalds?” He didn’t respond. We got home and he took Merryn inside. When they came back, I said, “JJ, are you going to stop for breakfast? Can you please just answer?” He looked at me with a face and tone full of complete contempt and said, “I WILL. STOP HARASSING ME!” I said, “I am not harassing you; I calmly asked you because you wouldn’t answer before.” Again no response. He started driving, out of Sleepy Hollow, into Tarrytown, through Tarrytown, way past the McDonalds. I said, “ where are you going?” He said, again full of contempt, “McDonalds!” I said, “But you passed it!” He said, “McDonalds in New Jersey.” I said, “well why didn’t you explain that before! I thought you were going to go to the drive-thru in Tarrytown.” He drove in stony silence for 45 minutes to the Burger King at the rest stop on the Garden State. Instead of driving through, he parked and we went in, and it took us about an hour.  JJ did not speak the entire rest of the trip, which took about 5 more hours through heavy traffic. 

I wonder how the day would have gone if he could have just calmly explained what he was thinking about doing in the first place.

New Year 2018

New Year’s Day, 2018

Feeling a little blue. I have the same amount of money in my savings account I had a year ago today. Things are about the same with JJ. I still rarely exercise. Not much has changed, and I doubt much will change this year.