Sometimes I kind of hate JJ. I don't like to say that, it is true. He can be incredibly cold and distant. He doesn't ask me anything about my day, not a single question. Not even "how are you?" He doesn't say a word when I cook a new recipe, like I did tonight. I have gone to two interviews and he didn't ask a single question about them. I told him I got one of those jobs and he didn't react. Sometimes it seems he only cares about Merryn. He seems frustrated that James cries when he holds him, so sometimes it seems he avoids holding him. I know he is frustrated but I hate to see him not connect with his amazing little son. And sometimes I feel he doesn't even see me. He doesn't ever hug me; we kiss when we leave each other or to greet but it's nothing more than the smallest of pecks. I feel almost daily that our marriage is only temporary, and I have felt that way for a long time now. But on better days I feel like we can make it at least until I am working again and can afford to live on my own. On a day like today, I wish I could leave right now.
I was home alone today. Both Merryn and James went to daycare. I finally finished my personal statement for the principals residency program, a school leadership program. I am feeling more and more disconnected from teaching...and, frankly, from everything. I haven't really left the house for a few days, so I think it's really important that we get out tomorrow.
Merryn came home happy but exhausted tonight. She had a meltdown at bedtime but eventually went down, sweet girl. I am glad she will be home tomorrow.
James came home and nursed for 45 minutes. Even though he had plenty to eat today he seemed to miss breast feeding. Unlike Merryn, he was wide awake, bouncing around and playing until about 10 pm. That smile lit up my night, my boy.
I just heard on TV something I needed: treat yourself like you treat your kids....in other words give myself love and kindness...and a break...
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