Pig-headed

Wow, not a banner weekend with JJ. Yesterday I decided to rake leaves, partly to be outside and get exercise, partly to blow off steam, partly because it needed to be done. I started at the top behind the house and I was raking out beneath the bushes and plant beds. JJ opens the window and shouts at me, "Don't rake out those plant beds! Stop!" Then Merryn is standing there and she starts saying, "Stop, Mommy!" Still hurting from JJ's comments earlier this week, I said, "JJ, don't talk to me right now, I don't want to hear from you right now." Because you know what, I am SICK of hearing him act like he knows more about everything. And I'm the one out there raking, so what's the big deal if I rake out these plant beds. I cleaned out the bushes in front of the house and they looked much better, so it seemed to me that it was a good idea to rake them out. At least it wasn't hurting anything. I told Merryn to either close the window or come out and help me. She came out, which was great, of course. After a while JJ came out too with James and started taking down the Halloween decorations. He didn't say anything to me, until he was heading back inside. He said, "Amy, DON'T RAKE OUT THOSE PLANT BEDS! You're being pig-headed."

We didn't talk much the rest of the day. We all took naps; he went to the grocery store. 

This morning I took the kids to the park, then to lunch at the Horseman. I invited him to come but he didn't answer my text.

We hadn't really talked and then at dinner I said, "do you want to run the Turkey Trot? My dad wants to register soon so we should tell him." He said, "I don't know." Then he said, "Did you invite your parents to come up here for Christmas Eve and Day?" I said, "no." (We had never discussed this) He slammed his hands on the table and said, "Amy! We are not going to their house this year. We are having our Christmas here in our own house like grown-ups." I said, "I am not going to fight with you about this right now, but my sister and brother are coming to my parents' house so I want to go there." He refused to speak to me. He gave me the silent treatment the rest of the evening. Because that's what an awesome couple we are.

Parent teacher night

Ahhh, at school until 8, home at 9:30, didn't see the kids awake. :(

Never known a mother who cares so little

Yesterday Emma, James' teacher at daycare, called me to let me know that James had a fever. I texted JJ to see if he could go get him. He didn't get the message for awhile, but he finally went when he was done with school. I got home around 5:30. James didn't look so good, really lethargic and still pretty hot. I said, "oh, poor kid, I think we should keep him home tomorrow, don't you?" JJ said, "hmmm." I went down to make dinner. I had it ready and on the table, and I went up to tell JJ. He said, "I don't think anyone is going to eat. James is sick." I said, "what? Come on, I prepared this meal for us," and took James down. I asked him if he wanted to eat. He nodded so I put him in his chair. About 10 minutes later, JJ and Merryn finally came down. JJ sat down, and I said, "how should we handle tomorrow?" JJ said, "I don't know." I said, "who should stay home, you or me?" He said, "I don't know." Getting irritated, I said, "JJ, I stayed home with him last week, and that was already the second time in only 2 months at this job. So I think now it's your turn. If you will not take part in the conversation, I will just decide." He said, "you see? I am not talking to you because you already decided! All of that was just for you to tell me to stay home." I said, "tomorrow is a PD day, which you hate! I have a job too. What is your PD day? Are you doing something you don't want to miss?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "well, I think you should stay home because I have already stayed home twice this year." He said, "you care more about your job than you care about him. I have never seen a mother who cares so little about her children when they are sick." Remembering that JJ had pulled the exact same manipulative bullshit when I had asked him to stay home with Merryn 2 years ago, I said, "I am not even going to respond to this disgusting lie that I don't care about the kids--who actually are the only thing I care about, more than anything else in this world--but we still don't have a plan, so who stays home, you or me?" JJ still did not respond. Instead he picked up James and took him upstairs. 

In short, JJ would not talk to me after that. Since he didn't plan to stay home, I stayed home.

I missed another day of work. Three days in two months. At a brand-new job. And I only have about 12 days in the bank. JJ took a day in September when the car broke down, but not since. He's been at his job for 6 or 7 years, and he has 160 days in the bank. And he hates PD days. So I don't think it was fair.

But, this must be said, it was the most perfect of days with my sweet, wonderful son. We went for two walks, voted, took naps, had breakfast and lunch together, played with a ball, I gave him a bath, he played peek-a-boo with me, he said, "go, go, go!" And "ball!" And ran into my arms for hugs, and had the most perfect day ever, something JJ will never understand.

I hate JJ

I hate JJ. Just can't stand the guy. The most selfish person I have ever known.

Big changes...

Today was Merryn and James' last day at the Robin's Nest. :-( they start at Elizabeth Mascia next week. 

I am going back to work, at IHS-US. 

Baby doesn't want to breast feed anymore and went to bed without crying or nursing for two days now. 

I  going to miss my Mer and Peanut desperately. 

Today is JJ's birthday.

Promises to myself

I need to make some commitments to myself.

1. I need to find love in my love. I can't live anymore with a person who never speaks to me, never laughs with me, never touches me, never wants to spend time with me, doesn't help me, doesn't encourage me, doesn't support me, doesn't ask about me, doesn't want to be with me. If I can't have love, I would rather be with Merryn and James and find love through them.

2. I need to take care of myself physically. I need to do it even when I feel depressed and lonely.

3. I need to take care of myself financially. I need to make sure I can follow my goals and that Merryn and James have the things they need in life.

Being with JJ is killing me. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Food 2/25

Cheerios & milk

Banana

Coffee with cream, 2 cups

Piece of lasagna

Carrots & hummus

Apple

7-8 tortilla chips

Green salad with tuna

Water

5 Russell Stover chocolates

2 squares chocolate with peanuts

2 pieces of cheese

Toms River

We just got back from Toms River. I always come back with some mixed feelings. Here they are, in no particular order:

- Colleen is really great, a really generous person, and the party host extraordinaire

- JJ's friends are a conservative crowd. Sometimes I find it difficult to think of what to talk about with them. That's especially true with Scott and Michael Miles. I like Mike & Ralph Gargaloni...except when they told their daughters they should never date a "black guy."

- I had fun hanging out with Barb Gargaloni, Rachelle, Colleen, Courtney, Andrew, and Colleen's friend Kelly. Good ladies, funny ladies.

- in typical fashion, JJ pretended nothing happened after Friday night. But I still didn't feel connected to him this weekend.

- JJ and Colleen's friend Jimmy apparently lied to his wife Vera when he went to a football game with JJ and two other friends (one of them Lou). The lie came out when JJ mentioned the game in front of Vera. JJ told me about it and I just thought, "yuck! That's so...shitty. And unnecessary." I was so unimpressed with this guy, but also with JJ and Michael Miles' sort of "boys will be boys/bros before ho's" attitude. I don't get why someone would lie about something like that. 

- Judge O'Connell is great, and I guess what can you expect from someone who is 83, but argh! "I gave JJ a bunch of dress shirts. Amy, how do you plan to launder them?" Also he gives "us" cards for every holiday, but the checks inside are addressed only to JJ. And I never even see them. 

I hate my marriage

We just got in the car to drive to Toms River for Danica's birthday party tomorrow. Despite everyone's best efforts, we left at 8:15 instead of 8:00 as we planned. JJ, typically, acted all stressed, as if it was all my fault. He grabbed my bag and was carrying it outside, and I said, "I need that back, I was about to put something else in." He acted like that was the most annoying thing he ever heard. Of course, if he had just asked me if it was ready, we could have saved a lot of stress. Then he threw it into the middle of the car, and I asked him to put it into the trunk. He said, "why? It's fine here." I said I thought I might need to sit between the kids, and I had a bottle ready to feed James. Finally we got in and I directed the heat so it blows onto our bodies and feet. He switched it back to the window defroster, where he always seems to keep it, even though the window was not foggy. I said, "why are you blowing the heat onto the cold window?" He said, "I've got...whatever!" And switched it back. I said, "you've got what? What were you going to say?" He refused to speak to me. I said, "it's just that if the window isn't foggy, shouldn't we use the heat to warm the people in the car? I mean, isn't it inefficient to blow the heat towards a cold window, which will cool it off, before it circulates through the car?" He refused to answer. I said, "why do you want to put it on window defroster? I am trying to understand." He refused to answer. I made a little speech about how communication involves each if us stating our points if view, that he was choosing to be stressed about the time, that everyone involved tried to get us out the door in time, that this should be the start of a fun family trip, not a time to be angry. Same old shit I have said 1,000,000 times. And now, like so many times before, we make this trip in silence, when it could have been a fun time to connect and talk. Seems to always be this way.

Seems also that if we have sex at night, a very rare occurrence these days, we fight the next day.

When I say fight, I mean that JJ finds some reason to give me the silent treatment for however long he decides to do it, then act as if nothing ever happened. 

Never, ever have we finally resolved something. He never reflects and apologizes. Never, ever, ever. Just anger, blame, then pretending nothing happened. Over and over again.

I hate my marriage. 

Downtown

Went down to Wall St for a meeting at INPS. I am enjoying a little time to myself and missing work a little bit.

Thinking about arguing with JJ last night and still feeling irritated with him, not to mention totally disconnected.

House rules

So who makes the rules in our house? I think that JJ believes that he, alone, makes them. He made a comment to Merryn about me wearing my shoes upstairs and not putting my shoes away. I totally bristled at that...we never discussed some "no shoes in the house" rule, and I like to wear them inside. I am an adult in this house too, a homeowner, and JJ's wife and partner, not a junior family member. I do not leave them at the top of the stairs. He states that I do, and he seems to think just because he said that, it's true. I get tired of his way, his apparent feeling we should everything his way. Back the fuck off, JJ. You're not always right. Your way isn't always the best way. It's just...your way.

State of the union

Tonight was Obama's state of the union address.

Merryn has dollies tucked in under tissues or pillow cases, sleeping all over the house. Her top request for bedtime songs right now is "A, B,...X"

Met with Paula Heller the marriage counselor. 

Snow, blackout, know-it-all, stay at home

Merryn was back to normal again today and wanted to go out and play in the snow. She actually loved it--first time I have seen her enjoy the snow. She was bundled up pretty well and it was in the mid 30s, not the brutal cold we have had lately. We made angels, snow balls, and a snow man. We ended up staying out for about 1.5 hours. James was in the carrier and he slept the whole time.

There was a blackout here in Webber Park tonight for 2 hours. Manhole problem, apparently.

I have known JJ is a know it all for a long time, and sometimes it's just mildly annoying and other times it makes me iNSANE. Tonight he reloaded the entire dishwasher because he is sure his way is better. I am getting tired of doing everything HIS WAY because I have some ways I like to do things and they make sense to me. Also.., home kind of feels like my domain right now since I am not working anywhere else and I am doing most of the housework so I wish he would butt out. 

Which leads me to Adam Dawson's interesting question on Facebook about stay at home parents, which got 70 comments. A lot of people in my boat it seems.

Sick

Wow my resolution to write has fallen apart a bit. Anyway, yesterday we all got sick. James had diarrhea but he didn't seem to be too bothered by it. Hopefully by tomorrow he'll be back on track. Merryn and I both got hit by a 12 hour bug or possibly food poisoning. We were both throwing up, multiple times...JJ wasn't feeling good this morning but got better throughout the day. Yuck! I hate being sick, but at least it didn't last long.

James is changing so quickly! He can sit now and he has two teeth. Because he can sit, it seems that he doesn't want to be held as much, and it seems to be helping him and JJ bond. Now JJ can entertain James with toys, which didn't interest James much before. 

Merryn likes to sleep with my yellow dress, kind of like a security blanket. She has totally adjusted to sleeping in her own room. I like that this was entirely on her initiative. It seems to me that certain developmental changes, like this one , might work best when they happen when the child is ready, not because the parents trained them to do it. I know Emily had the same experience with Isaac using the potty...rather than force potty training on him, they introduced the idea to him and one day he realized he was ready. They bought him underpants and he made the switch, and he has had few to no accidents since. He was just ready.

JJ heard me throwing up last night and came up to check on me and rub my back. I really appreciated that.

I am going to start teaching a class mon and weds nights at Pace University. My feelings are a little mixed, I will miss putting the kids to bed.

Frustrated

My resolutions are falling apart. Technology is not working. I need sleep. Must...be...strong

Big changes

For the first time ever since they were born, Merryn and James are sleeping in another room from us. I am kind of sad 

Alternative to pizza

My resolve is weakening ... We had pizza again....I still have 16 miles to run, and only 10 days to do it. I am still getting so little sleep it is hard to stay focused. I am exhausted.

I took m & j to palisades mall. M climbed on mini ropes course and rode carousel. I bought her a grilled cheese sandwich and mysel a soup, but the soyp's bag broke and the soup spilled everywhere. A really angelic woman helped me. But again because of circumstances I didn't eat as planned. I ate half the sandwich. What do you do in the real world to maintain your diet resolution?

James can SIT! It's official!

JJ sent me a text with a song lyric yesterday the most romantic thing he has done in 4 years. It did make my heart leap.

"Wake wuk!"/Catherine again

Oops, didn't write yesterday...anyway, yesterday started with Merryn getting in bed with us and saying "wake wuk! Wake wuk Mommy, Daddy!" I was giggling about that all day. 

James has the very top of one tooth breaking through his bottom gum. He is also able to sit up unsupported for up to 10 seconds...he seems to be strong enough but is still developing the balance.

Catherine came for dinner. My good friend. I appreciated some adult conversation.

Surprise!

Merryn saw Mickey Mouse was talking about surprises so she decided she and I should surprise each other. She would say, "Mommy, surprise!" So I would play it cool for a minute and then turn to her and say "Surprise!" And every time she would act so surprised she flung herself onto her back on the couch. Then she surprised me and I did a big surprised act of my own. Many times.

James to his 6 month appt. yesterday. 17 lbs, 14 oz. 27.5 inches. Healthy, chubby boy. His smile is pure, unadulterated bliss. He adores Merryn and she makes h giggle. She doesn't seem jealous anymore, in fact she adores him back. "Kiss baby"

I have lost 4 pounds and I feel good! Tired, yesterday almost too tired to function.,.better today. We slept until 8 am.

JJ is at poker night.

Me kiss mommy forehead

This is what Merryn said and did when she woke up yesterday. My angel.

Perfect moment

Just finished singing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" to Merryn and James. Although this is the first night I sang it to her, Merryn requested it several times, "more hally-lu." I looked up the lyrics on the phone and sang it, my arm hooked under James's sleeping head. Now here we lie in the darkness, Merryn's feet on my leg, sleeping under 5 blankies, toys arranged near her head, book tucked between the mattress and bed frame so she can see the cover as soon as she wakes up. James just finished nursing, and he is sleeping cradled in my arms. Their breathing is synchronized, almost exactly. Perfect peace, perfect rhythm. Hallelujah.

Another moment: Merryn snuggling with me today reading a book about colors. Me: Mer, do you see anything in this room that is red? Merryn gets off the couch and shows me Minnie Mouse's dress. Gets back and snuggles with me. Me: Do you see anything green? She gets up and brings over a green ball. The great part was that every time she kept coming to me and snuggling again, then jumping up to bring items over. 

Epic meltdowns

Merryn has had a couple of epic temper tantrums over the past 24 hours. Yesterday I took her to the WeeZee gym. She was tired and hungry when I told her it was time to go, so we were going down the stairs and she was going so slowly I picked her up. She started screaming. At the bottom of the stairs, she stamped her feet and threw her banana on the floor. I felt bad because I think this happened because she needed lunch and a nap and she was off her schedule. 

Today she had a meltdown because I broke her corn muffin in half. Then later, another one, because I asked her to clean up her toys. 

So we need to work on resisting the tantrum. We can't give in. Or we'll get a lot more of this.

I  glad to say JJ backed me up. 

On another note, I want to stop eating dinner in front of the TV, I want us to sit at the table. I am tired of carrying trays up the stairs.

Sushi

We went out for sushi tonight. Merryn has come to love sushi. JJ bites pieces of sushi into small bites and puts them onto her plate, like a parent and baby bird. He is so subtle about it no one else notices. Sushi night is always a good night for us. Everybody is happy!

Mer-Mer and Peanut

This evening I was feeling momentarily blue...I was sitting on the couch holding James and Merryn was next to me. All of a sudden she announced "hug!" And jumped on top of me and wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me. Then she grabbed my face and kissed my cheek 7 or 8 times. Just when I needed a hug I got the best possible kind, a Mer-Mer hug! Made my day, no more blues.

James is starting to eat solid foods and he tried, and liked, peas tonight. My peanut is a pea...nut. Heh! I took another nap with him on top of me today.

JJ worked all day on grading. His mood seemed fine but at dinner, he finished eating and started reading a magazine at the table. Pretty rude, if you ask me. He liked the food though, a veggie dish with spinach, chickpeas, ginger, lemon, coconut on top of a sweet potato. I found the recipe online, soooo good. Anyway I am glad he was not grumpy today, even if I was annoyed he didn't talk at dinner.

Resolutions still going well. Writing here and writing all food down is starting to feel like a habit. And the food plan is working. I feel slimmer already, and it looks like a pound or two has already come off on the scale. It's encouraging! 

Emily, dad, and I are organizing a video greeting card for mom's birthday.

Quiet day

Watching 20/20 right now and they are talking about teenagers making some big mistakes...a kid that got drunk then accidentally snuck into the wrong house thinking it was his own house. The homeowner thought he was a burglar and shot him, killed him. Just thinking about Merryn and James being teenagers...how do we teach them to make good choices? There were some things I didn't face when I was in high school...I didn't drink then...it really scares me.

But...I guess as a parent there are one million terrible things that could happen, and I need to just be vigilant, teach them to do the right thing, and pray...

Great to have the kids home today. I was tired and didn't try to cross anything off my to-do list. I took a nap on the couch with James on my chest for 45 minutes.

JJ went to happy hour, came home...happy!

Indifference

Sometimes I kind of hate JJ. I don't like to say that, it is true. He can be incredibly cold and distant. He doesn't ask me anything about my day, not a single question. Not even "how are you?" He doesn't say a word when I cook a new recipe, like I did tonight. I have gone to two interviews and he didn't ask a single question about them. I told him I got one of those jobs and he didn't react. Sometimes it seems he only cares about Merryn. He seems frustrated that James cries when he holds him, so sometimes it seems he avoids holding him. I know he is frustrated but I hate to see him not connect with his amazing little son. And sometimes I feel he doesn't even see me. He doesn't ever hug me; we kiss when we leave each other or to greet but it's nothing more than the smallest of pecks.  I feel almost daily that our marriage is only temporary, and I have felt that way for a long time now. But on better days I feel like we can make it at least until I am working again and can afford to live on my own. On a day like today, I wish I could leave right now. 

I was home alone today. Both Merryn and James went to daycare. I finally finished my personal statement for the principals residency program, a school leadership program. I am feeling more and more disconnected from teaching...and, frankly, from everything. I haven't really left the house for a few days, so I think it's really important that we get out tomorrow.

Merryn came home happy but exhausted tonight. She had a meltdown at bedtime but eventually went down, sweet girl. I am glad she will be home tomorrow.

James came home and nursed for 45 minutes. Even though he had plenty to eat today he seemed to miss breast feeding. Unlike Merryn, he was wide awake, bouncing around and playing until about 10 pm. That smile lit up my night, my boy.

I just heard on TV something I needed: treat yourself like you treat your kids....in other words give myself love and kindness...and a break...

James & Mommy

James stayed home with me because he had a low fever yesterday. My sweet little peanut. He is sooo delightful...like Merryn, one of the happiest, smiliest babies I know of. He is cooing a lot these days too. He is very attached to me, which is good, but he doesn't like me to put him down...ever. He also kind of cries for me when JJ holds him, which hopefully is a temporary phase. 

Merryn went to daycare and came home very happy. She really loves it there. I asked her if she had a good day and she said enthusiastically, "YES!" Then she named all her friends: "Lilah! Zoe! Jack! Colin!" She made a little nest for herself to sleep on instead of on her bed. She has such a plaintive, sweet little voice.

So we always remember this, our bedtime routine: she brushes her teeth, I change her diaper and put on her pajamas, she gets her pacifier, we read a story (or more than one, or the same one more than once). Then I put her blankies on her, and turn the lights down. I sit at the end of her bed and she puts her feet on my leg. If James is with us, I nurse him. I sing to them. First, "Distant Melody" from the Peter Pan musical, then "Cielito Lindo" and "Amazing Grace". After that, "Sweet Baby James." Then more by request from Merryn...twinkle twinkle, Rudolph, "kissmis" song, "a b song".

I have been doing well on my resolutions. I ran on the treadmill today. Getting a little faster. Went back to my (marriage) counselor Paula Heller today after three weeks. Good...but her advice always seems to be "appease him..." (Not in those words...) and avoid a fight. Not sure how I feel about that...

But, generally things have been pretty peaceful with JJ lately...I am still frustrated by not knowing much about our finances. And I wish for more of a connection. Every day I ask how his day went and he says "good" in the same tone of voice. And no matter what I cook, he says "it's all right" in a flat, sort of disappointed tone. But I think he is actually trying to say it is good; you just wouldn't know that from his tone.

Frigid cold day

Today it was only 4 degrees, colder than any Jan 7 since 1897. We did not leave the house. James seems to have a slight fever. He is batting at the phone right now so more tomorrow.

Merryn got a towel out of the laundry basket and said "Halloween! Ghost!" Then she went over to JJ.and was roaring at him to scare him. When he acted scared and hid behind a pillow. That cracked her up. Then she did the same to me but mid roar, she would say "woooo!" Like a ghost. "Raaawr-woo!" Then laugh hysterically.

Joan & Douglas

Joan and her nephew (JJ's biological cousin) Douglas came to visit today. JJ seemed to enjoy having them here more than he has in the past. Sometimes when Joan comes JJ barely talks, watching TV or grading papers instead. But today he actively engaged in conversation with them. Maybe it helped that Douglas was here. Despite having some mental health issues, he seems to be a good man. There are times when you talk to him and he seems sort of disconnected from what is actually happening, but he also could be kind, polite, a good conversationalist, and insightful. Joan always brings about 20 gifts even though JJ keeps telling her we have way too much stuff, which I agree with. But, to be honest, Merryn usually loves the toys she brings. I made a chicken cacciatore, which turned out pretty well.

It is very weird to me to be living this domestic life, because I've never been much of a homemaker/hostess. I can't seem to ever get the timing right. I am enjoying cooking, but I have to stick to the recipe. JJ is good at inventing recipes, but I need to follow what the recipe says precisely. I've found some good recipes though and they seem to come out pretty well.

JJ and I had a couple of skirmishes today...little but irritating stuff. JJ turns the TV on for Merryn pretty much all the time they are both home. I like the shows he puts on, which are all on Disney Junior--Mickey Mouse, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Sophia the First--but I don't want her to watch TV all day long. If we turn the TV off, Merryn just starts playing. She draws, builds with her blocks, collects things and puts them places, tries on clothes, and in general is communicative and funny. When the TV is on, she sometimes plays too but generally she sits silently watching and doesn't respond when I try to talk to her. So while the shows are fine, I want her to do lots of things and have lots of interests, not just TV. And I don't want her to ignore me. So this morning, she had been watching for about two hours with JJ. A show came to an end, and I said, "Okay, let's turn on the news now, no more TV for Merryn." I tried to change the channel but accidentally put on a blank screen (I was feeding James at the time so I couldn't move around very well). I asked JJ for help and he just changed it back to Disney Junior. I said, "JJ, I just told Merryn her TV time is up." He said, "She is playing while she watches." I said, "You know what, I have brought this up several times, that I don't want her to watch TV all day. It's okay to have her turn it off sometimes." He said, "You're just anti-TV." I said, "No, we watch TV, she watches TV, everybody in this house watches a lot of TV. I just don't want it on ALL the time." I said, "I am not anti-TV, but I'm anti-being undermined by you. I have an opinion about this too and you totally discounted it. When you put the TV back on her channel just when I asked her to turn it off, you are teaching her to ignore her mom, and I have a problem with that."

The other thing was at dinner. I heated a bunch of leftovers for all of us. JJ quickly ate his pizza and was sitting there with his empty plate. I had my hot plate of food, but James was crying and I wanted to feed him his baby food. So I started feeding him, but then it occurred to me that JJ was done eating and my food was getting cold. So I asked JJ to feed the baby so I could eat. He said, "Well, if I feed the baby, I can't mark papers." I said, "You weren't marking papers, you were just sitting there. And this will just take a few minutes." He looked like he wanted to protest more so I just said, "Please JJ, you'll be able to grade your papers in a couple minutes and I want to eat. It will be fine." His response to that was to mock me in a high voice: "Oh it will be fine? Will it?"

Sometimes I am stunned by his inability to notice that someone needs help with something. But even worse, when he is asked to help he becomes defensive, instead of just...helping. One of my goals is to try not to get enraged by this, but also not to become afraid to ask for help. I am sure that JJ would not protest in the slightest to be waited on and served, and he would only notice it if someone pointed it out.

As for Merryn, she is starting to use her potty, but by no means could we say she is "potty trained," or that we are attempting to "train" her yet. When she uses it, it is a highly ritualistic experience. She wants to use the big potty, and then the little potty. She wants us to read several books to her while she's on the pot. Getting the folding chair open, climbing up on it all by herself (no help allowed), washing her hands. She also likes to climb on my legs or JJ's to get up to the coffee table, where she likes to sit.

James did actually take a nap today. A good long one, at the same time as Merryn. He also seems to be highly entertained by his sister. She likes to kiss and hug him and make funny faces at him, which seems to delight him, judging by the huge smile on his face when she does these things. And on a positive note about JJ, he held James for quite awhile today and had him laughing and cooing. JJ was kissing him and focused on playing with him instead of multi-tasking, and I think that makes a difference for James. JJ often gets frustrated because James tends to cry when he picks him up, but I hope that is a phase that is coming to an end.

Happiness quote

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Mahatma Ghandi

Catherine

My friend Catherine came up today to work on recommendations for students with me. I told her I would help her write them since we had all the same students. Catherine has become a really good friend over the past year. It's also good to talk with her about ICHS and get perspective on it when I start feeling nostalgic.

Merryn was obsessed with my yellow dress today. Before her nap she was standing next to the closet wrapping the ties of the dress around her. I told her she had to go to sleep, so, with the ties wrapped around her she leaned against the closet door and pretended to start snoring. Finally I told her she could snuggle with the dress while she took her nap. She said several full, grammatically logical sentences today with subject, verb, and object: Me climb table again. Daddy put baby up here. 

James did not sleep. For the entire day. Not one nap. We need to get that boy on a schedule. Although if this means he sleeps more tonight, that is fine with me.

I have talked with Catherine a lot about JJ, so I was glad she was here to witness a nice day with him. And he was engaged in conversation with her, which I really appreciated.

Snow day

It snowed about 6 inches here so school was cancelled today and JJ stayed home. Colleen, Michael, and Danica were  here also because they had gone tubing yesterday, and they came to stay with us afterwards. We got to play outside in the snow. Merryn hated the snow but Danica had a great time sliding down the hill in our yard. JJ and I got the day off to a good start with some lovin' early this morning...reminded me of a snow day when we had only been dating a few months and didn't have any problems yet. It was nice this morning and a nice memory too. 

Merryn doesn't want much to do with me when JJ is around...daddy's girl, for now at least. I think part of it is that I am always holding or feeding James. 

Merryn is developing very specific preferences. I gave her a piece of cheese to put on her cracker and she said "cheese too big." She wanted a smaller piece. 

James is a good roller and can move around quite a bit by rolling. He often ends up halfway under the bed!

A day to myself!

Merryn & James BOTH are at daycare today for the first time, which means I have the entire day to myself! I have a huge list of things I would like to get done but will be happy if I can just get a through a few of them. JJ is back at work today. Colleen, Michael, and Danica are coming to stay with us tonight so I am feeling some pressure to clean up and cook. I will figure something out. I have to pump too, with James not here. Merryn loves the Robin's Nest, but this will be a new experience for James. Hope it goes well.

New Years day

Amy: I got my resolutions off to a good start. Writing here will probably be the hardest...but might be the most worth doing. Gonna try to make this a positive, healthy, strong year. And always try to be true to myself.

JJ: He is going back to work tomorrow. We were able to get out together over the break a couple of times, to a movie, to lunch one day. Those were desperately needed because we often struggle to connect. In terms of our relationship I am glad we are out of 2013, when there were points where we were fighting every weekend. Now we have kind of a clean slate...

Merryn: She wanted to wear her new princess shoes to bed. She danced her way up the stairs to bed. When James woke up from his nap she climbed up next to him and said "read book." She was ready to comfort him by reading to him.

James: He has such an angel face. His face lights up when he sees me, which makes my heart melt. He goes to daycare for his first day tomorrow, and I know I will miss him terribly, even though I also look forward to doing a few things around the house.

January resolutions

January resolutions: 1. Write down everything I eat. 2. Follow principles of a paleo diet. 3. Run 31 miles

Weight: 149 lbs

Waist: 34.5"

Hips: 41.5"

Thigh: 24.5"

New Years resolutions

New Years 2014. I have some resolutions: 1. My goal is to write in this blog every day, including at least one sentence about myself, JJ, Merryn, and James. 2. I want to make at least one new MONTH resolution on the first day of each month, with at least one about health and fitness. 3. I will buy a car. 4. I want to try a yoga class at least once this year, and go to at least one singing lesson with Nancy, our neighbor.