Bitterness

Bitterness

Knocks on my door

Crank calls me on the phone

Surprises me from behind a bush

Or from behind a face I used to trust

Grabs at my arms as I walk by.

I am getting weak.

But I haven't answered.

Not yet, at least.

Not as long as 

my kids 

give me butterfly kisses

And climb into my lap to hear stories

And want me to kiss their wounded fingers or a bump on their heads

And take them to the park.

Not as long as my parents keep standing

Like two mighty oaks

Visible through the dust, through the sand, the fog

strong, through every storm

Not as long as I have a sister and a brother, and their families, solid branches,  branching but strong

And those loyal friends, true blue, those two, those three or five or so

Who stand with me like my family, 

Form a ring around me even when much is required 

Protection, as bitterness and betrayal battle mightily to get through 

Keep trying, bitterness

Keep trying betrayal, manipulation, lies

But I see you, and now I know you

Better than you know me

Because you don't realiIze

For all the perverse sickness you cause

I have the antidote 

You hear joke, Mommy?

Last night, Merryn was so tired she told me she wanted to lie in bed while I have James his bath. When I came out to get her, she was sound asleep. 

So I think for the first time ever, I was putting James to sleep by himself. I forgot what it was like to put only one kid to bed--it's a lot easier! 

As I lay down with him, he said, "you hear joke, Mommy?" I said, "sure!" He says, "cookie!" Both of us: "hahahahaha!"

"You hear joke, Mommy?"

"Sure!"

"Pizza!"

"Ah-hahahahaha!"

"You hear joke, Mommy?"

"Sure!"

"Cheese!"

"Hoohooohoo haha oh that's funny!"

He told me several more jokes before falling asleep.

Names

This morning while I was changing James' diaper, he said, "Mommy, you name?" 

I said, "My name is Amy."

James: "Amy? Daddy name?"

Me: "Daddy's name is JJ."

 

James: "Mer-Mer name?"

Me: "Mer-mer's name is Merryn."

Me: "and what's your name?"

James: "James!"

Me: "yes, you are our little James"

James: "Me little James!"

Play Place

Merryn & James at Play Place today. Merryn after a while brought a foam block up to the upper level platform to use as a stool to boost herself up. Prior to today, she always called me for help

Hold your head up, whoa, hold your head high

But some of these days I feel that I can barely do that, barely hold my head up. Sometimes I feel the jaws of sadness breathing on my neck, and the pool of depression almost swallow me...I am starting to doubt myself, wonder if maybe I actually am crazy, or a goddamned fool. My money is beyond gone and I am in a hole like I have never been in before. My first lawyer was a disaster, beyond a disaster. She is gouging holes in me, sucking out every last drop of blood, of sanity...the people who I looked to for help turned their backs on me--Colleen. I can't see I'd ever want to see her face again. My parents support me but I feel ashamed, that this has cost so much, that it's such a spectacular failure, that for all of our efforts I have gained NOT ONE THING, and lost so many things. I feel like a horrific teacher, and as a mom, I'm always tired. I feel ashamed to call my friends, like I'm always wallowing in this mess, never able to walk in the light. 

My commitments

I commit to not talk about this situation on the train. I commit to get enough sleep that I can stay sane. I commit to still try to be present and the best mom I can be at all times for the kids.

Total confusion

I'm just a few days away from leaving, and nothing could be more confusing than JJ being...nice. Showing concern, asking about my day. Being kind of warm. And caring. This whole thing makes me feel that I'm crazy, full of self-doubt, unsure about everything...

James' kindness

I was crying yesterday and James came to me, looked into my face with a lot of concern, and said, "wrong?" As in "what's wrong?" My kind boy, only 2 years old

End of dry spell

I was taking a nap. JJ came up and got into bed with me. We had sex for the first time in 6 months. Very confusing.

Lights on again

JJ turns on the hallway light and bedroom light when he is trying to wake the kids up. I prefer to gently pick them up from bed and start getting them dressed in the dark. I also don't like to have the lights on when I get out of the shower because I think people can see in the windows. However, he feels quit strongly about the lights. Yesterday, he turned them on, got James dressed, and was carrying him downstairs. I came out of the bathroom and turned the hallway light off. He shouted, "do you want us to never get out of this house? Turn that light back on!" I said, "I don't want the light on when I'm coming out of the bathroom with no clothes. And anyway, Merryn is already awake, and if she wasn't I would wake her up. Also you don't need to shout at me first thing in the morning."

What?

I'm not sure I'd call what we do "fighting"...because fighting requires participation. I would definitely call it conflict. In any case, there was never a point where going to Toms River for JJ's birthday was in doubt. I was talking with him at several points to plan it. "Should we go on Weds or Thurs?" "What time would you like to go? If you want to go later, I'll take the kids to music class..." But there was never, ever a point where I said or implied that we wouldn't go..,I was totally in support of going the whole time.

Merryn's birthday party

I suggested we have the party at a park because it was the last week of school, and I was totally overwhelmed with work. I thought the park would be more fun for the kids, too. But I guess JJ felt judgmental about that, not supportive. Like I was being lazy or something. He sure was not offering to help.

Warm & fuzzy for this girl

Graceland/onion

I'm standing here weeping 

Listening to Paul Simon sing Graceland

Blaming the weeping on an onion

And aching in every part of my body

For arms to come around me

Encircle me and hold me tight

A quiet voice in my ear to say

"It's okay. It's okay."

But the lack of that is why I'm crying.

Not the onion

All the same, there is reason to believe

That we will be received

In Graceland

Siri

Last week we were driving back from Toma River and heading straight to a birthday party. I had already looked on the map to find out where it was. The invitation said "playground at north end of Dobbs Ferry water front park." Thinking that was an official name, I put that into the google map, but nothing came up. So I realized that "waterfront park" was not an official name, but I assumed that, like in the other river towns, there's be a park on the River near the train station. Dobbs Ferry looked really small on the map, so I was confident we'd find it easily. We were still in NJ when I looked all this up, so I figured I'd direct JJ when we got closer. As we were crossing the Tappan Zee, JJ got out his phone and said, "Siri, where is Dobbs Ferry?" I said, "Oh JJ I already looked it up. I know where it is." He said, "so what's the address?" I said, "it just says, 'Dobbs Ferry waterfront park." He asked Siri again where it was. I tried to tell him, "it's not in there, it's just a generic name..." He kept trying to talk into his phone while driving. I said, "JJ, listen, I'm trying to tell you something. I already looked it up. I know where it is. It won't come up on Siri." He shouted, "can you let me just play with my phone?!" I said, "oh well sorry, of course you can play with your phone. I thought you wanted directions!" 

You gotta know when to walk away...

Today I took the kids to the corn festival at Philipse Manor. I asked JJ if he'd drop us off there. He did, and I asked him if he'd pick us up around noon. I texted him when we were ready; he didn't answer so I called. He said he'd get us, and we were waiting for him in a convenient spot when he arrived. However, he seemed to be in a foul mood and really stressed. He pulled into the parking lot and popped the trunk, then came to get James. I told Merryn to stay under the tree, and I picked up the stroller to put it in the trunk. He turned towards me and shouted "Stay! Stay!" I didn't know what he was talking about and I thought he was yelling Merryn behind me, maybe behind my back she was getting up and stepping into the street. So I looked back and realized she was still sitting under the tree. I said, "are you talking to me?" He bellowed at me, "Stay there!" jabbed his finger at the tree, then got into the car to back it up. A group of people were walking by, and a woman looked at me and shook her head as if to say, "he talks to you like that?" I said, "what are you screaming at me 'Stay!' for? I'm not a dog!" He at no point said a single word to me about what he was doing, so I had no idea what he was doing. I got in the car and he started driving before I shut the door. I said, "JJ, you just shouted at me like you'd shout at a dog. People gave me a look like they didn't like your tone. You totally embarrassed me!" He ignored me. When we got home, he rushed back to his project, putting stones around a tree. I said, "is that why you were in such a rush? You didn't want to leave your project? But you didn't explain anything to me, you didn't say a word. Why did you treat me like that?" He ignored me. I said, "I asked you a question, JJ." He continued to ignore me. 

Tonight I asked him to sit down with me after dinner and make some plans for the school year. He said, "about what?" Looking ready to walk away. I said, "morning routine. Bedtime. Money." I said, "but please still down so we can really plan it and talk as partners. And equals." He shouted at me, "so just ask! Why do I have to sit down, why do you have to make such a big deal, 'we have to talk!'" I said, "because you don't answer, because there's no opportunity to talk to you. He sat down, and I said, "so let's make a plan for the morning." He said, "we leave at 7." I said, "ok, but we need to plan the process..." He jumped up and shouted, "you see! Now you're changing it!" I said, "what? I didn't change anything! I didn't even get to finish what I was saying. I don't think we need to have these long breakfasts." He said, "no, that's not the problem. You're the problem. You're always late." I said, "No. I'm not. That's false." Then he started going into blame for everything mode. "You're always giving orders." "JJ, actually I have never given orders to you. Ever. That has never happened." Then he went into the kitchen and saw that some things were on the counter from when I prepared dinner. (We were just finished eating.) He said, "why can't you put things away into the refrigerator?" I said, "I'm still eating! I barely got to take a bite yet!" (I had made a meal for kids and heated up leftovers for us.) He was coming out of the kitchen and I was walking into the kitchen. He was walking towards me as if he intended to walk through me. I blocked him with my hands. He didn't raise his hands but kept moving forward. I pushed back. I said, "JJ, I need to know something? Do you want a divorce? Because I can't live like this. I'm serious, do you want to get divorced?" He ran upstairs. 

Later in the tub, Merryn was doing a play with her dolls: "stop pushing me! Don't push me. I don't like how you are talking to me." God damn it. 

Seatbelt issue

On Sunday, we were going to visit Lira. First and foremost, I want to say this: I'm grateful that JJ came. But, there was an incident on the way that really bothered me and dampened my mood. Merryn was having a little bit of a meltdown. She wanted to go to the bathroom but refused to put her shoes on; cried and whined the whole way to the restroom at the rest stop; wouldn't walk and wanted to be carried; and then she hit my face on the way back to the parking lot. When we got back in the car, I looked back at her after being back on the road for ten minutes, and saw she had taken off her seatbelt straps. I said, "JJ, would you pull over? Merryn took her straps off and I have told her that the car won't go if she isn't wearing her seatbelt." (This was an issue a few days earlier as well.) He said, "Merryn, put your seatbelt on," but he didn't do anything. I said, "could you please pull over so she takes it seriously?" He shouted at me, "I don't want to pull over on the highway!" I said, "well what should we do, then? We can't just let her ride without the straps on!" He refused to speak to me. I said, "JJ, why are you ignoring me? What should we do?" No response. "JJ, can we figure out a plan together? She has to have the seatbelt on--that's not negotiable." No answer. So then I climb to the back and buckle the straps. She undoes them again. I rebuckle them. She unbuckled them. Filled with frustration, I grabbed her hands and held them. I'm shaking with frustration. Several minutes later, I see that JJ is pulling into a rest stop. I say, "are you stopping here?" He says, "yes." We all get out and he's cuddling Merryn and talking to her. I didn't even want to be near him. I felt completely, totally undermined, disrespected, manipulated. He didn't say a single word to her about the seatbelt. I think he wanted to be the "good guy", in contrast to "crazy Mommy." As we were heading back to the car, I said, "everyone stop. Merryn, this was about your seatbelt. Daddy supports me on this. You have to wear it." Of course, he didn't support me. Even during that comment, he started walking away with Merrryn. And in the car, he gave her cookies. So, not sure what she learned there. She did keep them on after that, at least.

Bubble burst

I took the kids for ice cream this evening. I wanted to get out of the house, and enjoy these last days of summer...

We got home @ 8:15. I brought the kids upstairs to start getting them ready for bad. JJ was watching TV. He seems to think that bedtime is not his job, until the final moment when he comes to lie down with James. So, I got their teeth brushed and then James ran downstairs to get Daddy. When they came up, I told JJ that James still needed his diaper changed. For some reason, James got really upset while JJ was changing him, and started crying for me. He ran out of the room to me and I picked him up. I was telling him,  "go snuggle with Daddy like you usually do." He kept crying and clinging to me. I tried to hand him off to JJ, but he wouldn't go to him yet. So then I said, "well, maybe tonight Daddy could read Merryn her story, and I could put you to bed." JJ rolled his eyes; definitely did NOT want to read Merryn a story. I was still trying to calm James down so I could hand him back to JJ, when JJ snapped at me, "well, you're just standing there! Do something!" I said, "what? You're blaming me?" He stormed back downstairs. I said, "wait, JJ, I need your help putting the kids to bed; I can't do it alone." He was already back in front if the TV. I thought for a moment how I was going to get both kids down by myself. Then I kind of snapped.

I went downstairs. I said, "JJ, go back up, and put one of our kids in bed. You don't get to sit here relaxing in front of the TV while I'm struggling alone up there. This is both our job."

He said, "you took them out for ice cream and you were late coming back. You can't tell time."

I said, "that doesn't matter! I still need your help. These are OUR kids, and it is OUR shared job to put them to bed. You don't get to run away when the going gets slightly tough. It's not optional for you but required for me. You don't get to pick and choose when you feel like being a parent and when you don't."

I tried to grab the remote from him, and he said, "don't touch me." We got into a tug of war, I shoved him, twice I guess. He did a dismissive little wave like I was his servant and said, "stop talking." I said, "no! you are so disrespectful, and you're the laziest person I have ever met." He said, "go! Go somewhere else. I will take care of them." I screamed at him, "I DON'T WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE! I WANT TO PUT THE KIDS TO BED AND I NEED YOUR HELP!" I told him I can't stand him. 

By then James had come into the room and was calmer. JJ finally got up and picked him up and took him to bed.

"Daddy doesn't know how to read"

JJ does not want to read to the kids. He just...doesn't. I don't know why. 

So the other day, James handed JJ a book that he wanted him to read to him. Merryn said, "No, Baby. Daddy doesn't know how to read."

This day in all its pain and glory

I spent the whole day alone with the kids today. JJ was at school preparing stuff for the new school year, getting their brand-new science lab set up. And after that, he met Scott Dingman for some beers. He's still out. 

I had beautiful moments with the kids. We ate at the Horseman diner, and the kids got their food but mine was delayed. Merryn said, "we can share ours with you, Mommy." Merryn and James made beds for themselves on the kitchen floor, using towels and a tablecloth. They rode around on "choo-choos" together and made each other laugh. We went to music class and got there early enough to go up the secret path. Merryn was thrilled to see that another little girl was wearing pink and green, just like Merryn. Merryn participated actively in every song, and the teacher at one point suggested we all so what Merryn was doing. James wanted to snuggle with me for the whole class, and he wanted me to carry him around when we were dancing. But he loved whenever they got out instruments. We drove to Patriots Park afterwards, and we walked over all the bridges and danced on the farmers' market stage. Merryn wanted me to sing songs to her, and I did, even though two men were sitting on benches nearby. Then Merryn got on the stage too and sang; James sat on a rock and watched, picking grass, or moving the rock around.  We walked all around the park, and James wanted to walk on the walls, which I let him do if my arms were around him. I told them we'd go to the restaurant for lunch. They said they were too tired to walk to the car. I tried to carry the two of them but didn't nake it far...they cried and dragged their feet but finally made it...we read "Where The Wild Things Are" and we roared our terrible roars and showed our terrible claws. After they napped, we swam at Barbara Ciccone's pool. Merryn jumped in the water from the steps for the first time, and did it many times. James let me swim with him all over the pool, and I can still picture his delighted face. We ate, read more stories...

But, tough moments too...Merryn and James were fighting on the stairs in the morning, and she was screaming at him. I put her in a time-out but she kept trying to sneak out, and I had to enforce it. I felt this bubble rising inside me, of frustration and anger...I wanted to stay cool but felt I couldn't. It was a momentary thing, it passed, I felt under control again, but I felt this moment of abject frustration. I felt it again at bedtime. With JJ out for the night, I was struggling to get the kids to bed. Even though he only helps with bedtime at the final stage--snuggling with James after I've given them baths, changed him, brushed his teeth and read a story to him. Lately, at that point he has been coming up to lie down with James and pat his back while a I finish up with Merryn. He usually falls asleep for the night with James. But without him here, I was struggling to get both kids to fall asleep. Merryn wanted to snuggle with me. James was getting out of bed. They wanted water. Merryn needed the potty. I'd been working on it for over an hour, and then there was this moment around 9:30 where everyone was still awake and goofing off and Merryn was on the bathroom scale and James was playing with water and I totally lost it. I shouted at them at the top of my lungs, "GO TO BED!" I put them in their beds and shut the doors. Again I felt this bubble of intense frustration rising up in me. Not just for that moment but for all the moments I have felt totally alone, totally unsupported, totally overwhelmed by thoughts that I need to do so many things, even though what maybe would be best for me to do is just be present with the kids, stay with them and fall asleep cuddling them, like JJ does. But I felt in that moment that I was failing at everything, that the things that used to be simple like putting a tired kid to bed are now so complicated.

And in that moment I got a text from JJ, saying, "My floor at school blew up." What??? "Gas explosion." I called him when the kids finally fell asleep (not that much later...I calmed down and gave lying down with them in the room one more shot, and it finally worked). JJ had spoken with a contractor before he left the school: "what are you guys working on?" "Bleeding the gas lines." Then 8:09 pm, a thunder-like blast...it tore through the entire science wing, the very rooms that JJ had been working on with Olivia and Oanh earlier. Three workers injured, grievous burns...horrifying. All in the hospital, one with burns all over his body, damage to his lungs. And the brand-new lab, totally destroyed, before they used it even once. JJ's classroom is gone, Oanh's and Dave's are too. 

Funnies

I was putting on my skimpy underwear today, and Merryn was watching with disapproval. Then she said, "you need to buy some new underwear that covers your whole butt!"

After music class the other day, we were riding in the car listening to the CD for the class. Between songs, they do these rhythmic chants: "bah, bah, ba-ba-ba-ba" "bah-ba, bah-ba, bah-ba, ba!" You listen to it, then repeat it. Merryn & I were chanting along with it, getting into the rhythm. But James couldn't really catch it, since language is still so new to him. Finally though, he tries it--as loud as possible, he shouts one long, "BAAAHHH!" Merryn & I died laughing. 

Today we got out the blow-up pool and they played in it on the deck.

Kisses

James is such a sweet and affectionate little guy...sometimes he runs to me and tries to hug me with his little arms, but they don't fit around my body. A few days ago he took my arm and gave me kisses all over my arm. Yesterday we were all lying in bed and he looked at Merryn and said, "Merryn cute!"

Bears!

Merryn's been talking a lot about imaginary bears lately. 

Me: Merryn, put on your shoes.

Merryn: (in a deep but enthusiastic voice) Did she say bears? I'm a bear!

Merryn: (in her normal voice) what? No, she said "shoes!"

Merryn: (bear voice) aww, I thought she said bears.

Last week, as we walked to the playground, she had James crying because she kept saying that a bear was coming. Later, I took James alone, and he wanted me to carry him the whole way, saying plaintively, "bear...coming"

Peace Corps a Fellows

I am interviewing to be director of the Peace Corps Fellows Program tomorrow. I told JJ Saturday; other than asking how much it pays, he didn't make a single comment or ask any questions. Complete indifference.

Gingers

Me: So, we started a new Magic Treehouse book, right? Want to keep reading that? Which one was it--pirates? Wild West?

Merryn: no...Gingers!

Me: hmmm...gingers? Oh...NINJAS

No help for you!

We needed diapers and the kids also needed to get ready for bed. I said, "JJ, how about one of us does one and the other does the other thing?" He said, "I'll go buy the diapers." I said, "if you're going to C-Town, would you return the two spices I need to return? I have the receipt." Before I even finished, he said, "I hate doing that stuff. No." I said, "But...what's hard about it...? It's just handing them a receipt and two spice bottles and getting the money back..." He said, "I just don't want to." I said, "I don't understand...it's just a small favor." He said, "well, you can do it tomorrow." So, thanks for that, JJ.

AC

I walked home and it was extremely humid. I went into TV room, said hi, then said,"how about we turn on the AC for a bit?" JJ said, "no, I'm comfortable." I said, "I just walked home in extreme heat, whew I'm uncomfortable." I turned it on. He shouted, "You see? It's always about what YOU want!" I said, "I'm in our home, I'm really hot, and turning on the AC doesn't take anything away from you! I don't know why I even bothered to ask you. I just was trying to be polite." JJ said, "you never even asked. You just did it." I said, no I did ask. Finally I said, if I doint ask, why did you say "no, I'm comfortable?"

Planning Merryn's party

Me: JJ, we should plan Merryn's birthday party so we can get invitations out. How about we have it at the water park? I called about the pavilion but it's not available. But we could have a picnic nearby.

JJ: I would rather have it at home.

Me: I just think it might be easier in the park because the entertainment is built in, there are table there, all we have to do is bring food and balloons. It's the weekend after school is out and things are so busy now...it stresses me out to think of cleaning up the house for a party. 

Two hours later, after kids are in bed...

Me: JJ, we started talking about the party...can we decide? Park or house?

JJ: silence

Me: JJ, I'm open to doing it at the house but will we be able to communicate and work together?

JJ: silence

Me: JJ? Do you just want me to decide?

JJ: No! We will just cancel the party!

Me: JJ, NO. This is not about you and me. Sometimes you seem to be seething with anger towards me, and I don't know why. This is about our little girl. So please, either express an opinion and let me know if we can work together, or just let me choose.

JJ: silence

Me: okay, I guess I will choose.

JJ: fine, do it here.

Rudest ever!

We were eating dinner. Merryn didn't want to go to her chair. She wanted to sit on JJ's lap. I had cut up strawberries for her, but she was eating the strawberries off JJ's plate. Then she demanded mine. I said she could have them if she went to her seat. JJ was asking her if he could put her in her seat. I was trying to get her into her seat too (asking her to go there). She demanded more strawberries. JJ got the container. I said, " let's wash them." I took some to wash them in the sink. When I came back, he was giving her ones from the container. I said, "please, can we have her eat the clean ones?" He gave her more from the container. I said, "JJ, you are ignoring everything I say. I tried to get her to go to her seat, and I offered to switch my whole strawberries for her cut ones of she did that. I asked her to eat the ones I washed, not the ones from the container. You gave her ones from the container right after that." He said, "how can you care about dirty strawberries? You put cheese with raw chicken!" I said, "what???" I have never, ever done that!" This escalated until he said, "You are the rudest person I have ever known. You're annoying."

'Mon!!!

James now does this awesome arm gesture, sort of a curved arm that he karate chops in a downward motion. While doing that, he says, "'mon!" "'Mon!" I couldn't figure it out for awhile, and then I got it: he's beckoning me and saying "Come on!" I want to catch it on video, little cutie.

We like the pig.

Merryn and I read a book called "Olivia," about a little girl pig who dances, tries on clothes, and builds sand castles. At the end, Olivia's mom is putting her to bed, and the mom says, "you know, you really wear me out, but I love you anyway." Olivia says, "I love you anyway too."

So last night, I was saying goodnight to her, and I said, "I love you, Merryn." She said, "I love you, too." Then, as I was closing the door, I hear, "We like the pig." I say, "the pig? What pig?" She goes, "Olivia pig." I go, "What? Why?" "Because we sayin' 'I love you' and 'I love you too!'"

Merryn leaves the house

I asked JJ to keep an eye on Merryn while I put James down for his nap. When I came down, I said, "where is she?" He had not moved from his video game. I looked all over the house. I found her outside playing in the bush next to the mailbox. He hadn't known that she had left the house.

Money

Tonight on our way to pick up the kids, I said, "How about sushi tonight? My treat." JJ didn't answer. When we got back in the car after picking up the kids, I said, "So, what do you think?" He said, "I have $10,000 on my credit card. You offered to help pay for the sewer repair, but you never did." I said, "I forgot about it. And you never brought it up or tried to work out a fair number with me." We started to fight about money. He told me I was not paying enough to the family. I said, "JJ, I pay for the daycare, our single largest bill, as well as other things. And you have never brought this up before." He said, "we agreed you would save $500 a month for property taxes." I said, "that is FALSE. That is an agreement we had when I was paying for daycare for only one kid. When I got my new job, I came to you and said, 'I will pay for daycare for both kids, if you can pay for the property taxes.' You agreed to that plan. That has been the plan since I went back to work. That was absolutely something we discussed and agreed to. You have not mentioned any problems with this plan until tonight." He said, "well, what about everything else? I pay for everything else." I said, "no, you don't, I pay the phone bill, my student loan, diapers, and for pretty much everything the kids need. I am also trying to pay off some credit card debt that is still left from last year when I wasn't working." He said, "well, then you shouldn't have gone to California. You should be saving money for home repairs." I said, "while our kids are in daycare, I don't think it's realistic to be thinking about home repairs. Daycare costs $30,000 a year. And I don't think there is anything wrong with going to see my sister." I asked him about the monthly bills he pays. I said, "the mortgage is $1500, right?" He said, "no, $1800." I said, "since when?" He said, "since always." I said, "JJ, you are exaggerating. It's $1500. I have a copy of the statement. You gave it to me." Then said, "ok, fine. $1500. Why does it matter?" I said, "if we are trying to make a monthly budget, you can't add 'accidentally' add $300 to the mortgage bill." He said, "I pay a larger percent of my monthly income in family bills than you do." I said, "I don't get how those numbers add up. If you want to talk about money, you sit down with me with numbers. Real numbers, on bills and bank statements." He said, "you're saying the numbers I said aren't real?" I said, "well you just admitted that you tacked an extra $300--an extra 20%--on your mortgage number. So no, I am not sure your numbers are real." When we got home, I said, "so when do you want to look at the numbers?" He said, "tomorrow." I think it's pretty certain he won't show me anything. 

In truth, I had not forgotten about the sewer bill. I did offer to help him pay, and I think that is the right thing to do. But I admit I have been hesitating to write a check for half the amount he claims he owes when I know nothing about his finances. Writing a check for $4000 or $5000 would wipe me out completely; that's the entire amount I have in savings. He told me he has no savings at all and $10,000 in credit card debt, but those numbers don't seem to add up, as far as I can see. I don't think he should have to bear the burden of that financial hit alone, but I am not sure what is a fair way to split the amount, and he's not giving me enough information to figure it out. So we'll see what happens.

And meanwhile I might have to go eat sushi with the kids, or by myself. 

Lights on even earlier!

JJ was apparently waiting downstairs until I got in the shower at 5:30 am, because as soon as I got in I saw the light in the hall go on and heard James crying. He was turning on the lights and waking the kids up about 40 minutes earlier than we normally get them up. When I got our of the shower I asked him why. He said, "we need to get out of the house on time! You are ALWAYS LATE! You can't tell time very well!" In the end we left only 5 minutes earlier than we normally do.

Lights on!

On Thurs, we had parent-teacher conferences at night, so we had a babysitter coming. So in the morning I was preparing stuff for her and it took us longer to get out of the house and I missed my train. So on Friday and this morning, JJ woke James up at about 5:40 am. He does this by turning on all the lights. This morning he got James up, and James was crying, not at all ready to wake up. He was taking him downstairs when I got out of the shower. I turned the light off. JJ shouted at me, "what are you doing?! Turn that light back on!" I said, "it's 5:40, you don't need to turn on every light, and you don't need to wake James up yet. And please stop shouting at me at 5:40 am." He shouted, "you are always late! You have time issues!" I said, "JJ, all I did was turn out a light. Stop shouting." When I got downstairs he was just sitting there with James. He had not even showered yet himself. We ended up leaving the house at the normal time anyway. 

Yesterday we did the taxes. I know he didn't want me to be involved, but I sat with him anyway. He said, "we're all done...we owe $1100." We scrolled through the list and I said, "what about the child care credit?" He said, "no... That's nothing." I said , "let's just look at it." We did and it end up giving us a large credit--$1200. Instead of having to pay tax, we are getting a small refund. After we finished, I took my paperwork and put it in a folder. He came in the other room and said, "why did you take all the papers? I'm keeping them." I said, "I want to keep copies of my papers. I'll make copies for you." He said, in a very irritated tone, "well, you took one of my papers." I said, "I don't think so but take a look in my folder." He didn't find it. It was on the floor of his office. He said, "well, you knocked it on the floor." He did apologize for blaming me.

Incidents 3-9 to 3-14

Tuesday I got home from solo marriage counseling appointment. I arrived before JJ and kids, which was unusual. Ten minutes later, JJ pulled up. He looked shocked that I was home already. I said, just observing, not blaming or anything, "you ended up coming home way later than usual for a Tuesday." He said he had stopped for a beer. He didn't volunteer who he'd gone with, and that omission revealed a lot. I guessed he had met Eleanor, or maybe Olivia. I couldn't think why he would be secretive about anyone else. Later, I asked "Were you with friends from school? Or did you go out here in town?" He said, "Friends from school."  But no elaboration. Later, I looked at his phone and saw that it was Eleanor. Just the two of them had gone out for happy hour. And he didn't want me to know.

James has been sick this week. The daycare called us to let us know he had fevers Weds. and Thurs. JJ went to get him on the earlier side both days, although he didn't need to miss any of his classes to do so. On Thurs. night, James seemed to be feeling really awful. I said, "I guess we better keep him home tomorrow." JJ said, "Are you going to stay with him?" I said, "I just took a day off for a snow day with the kids last week." He said, "Well, I have taken a lot of days recently too. I took 3 days in February." I said, "No, it was 2 days. Feb. 2 and Feb. 12. I took Feb. 9 off, and I left early (at 10:00)Feb. 11 to pick up Merryn. And I took March 5 off." He said, "Well, it's your turn." I thought to myself, no, it's your turn, but I decided not to engage...I texted Nina, James' assistant teacher, who had mentioned she would babysit if she had an off day. I told JJ, "The way we do this is very stressful. Maybe this time we could get a babysitter (because I have taken 7 days off this year, in just 7 months at this new job...JJ has taken 5 days...I think both of us are feeling pressure that it doesn't look good at work to be absent so often. But at least he has over 100 days in his bank of sick days, and he has a good reputation at his school, since he has been there for 7 years. I am still trying to build my reputation at my job, since it's my first year there. And I only have a couple of days left in my bank.)" He said, "And you are going to pay for it?"

And I thought but didn't say, "Fuck you, you selfish asshole. I'm nearly broke because you will not share any money with me, and after I pay my bills after each paycheck, I only have $200 left. Why should I carry this burden alone?" But instead I said to him, "No, JJ. We'll split the cost down the middle. We'll share the job of taking days of, and we'll share the cost of the babysitter."

In the end, Nina passed my message on to Emma, the lead teacher. She called me and said even though James was sick, we could bring him to daycare anyway, and she would take care of him. So Emma really helped us that day. But I felt guilty and sad all around, guilty that James was sick at school, because I think he needed to be home with us, guilty about missing time with my students, sad that with JJ it doesn't feel like we're on the same team, trying to solve problems together and understanding the pressure both of us feel, needing to care for the kids, needing to be responsible at work also. I wish that sometime when we're facing this question--who stays home with the kids--he could just volunteer to do it. Instead, every time, I bring up that somebody should stay. He says "I don't know." When it's my turn, I readily volunteer: "It's my turn, I'll stay." But when it's his turn, he remains silent, and only agrees to stay when I bring it up a few times and finally ask him point blank if he'd do it. And then he's very grumpy about it.

About this most recent time, an obvious unspoken factor was that Tuesday will be St. Patrick's Day, which JJ takes off every year. He intends to take it off this year too, even if he has taken 5 other days this year. And I'm sure that was a factor in him not wanting to take Friday off, feeling that he doesn't want to take two days off so close together.

Another thing, I think that JJ has decided that he is not attracted to me anymore. On several occasions recently, I have been getting dressed when he comes upstairs. I'm naked or partially dressed...and I tried to look a little sexy for him, just a nice little pose or gesture. But he never even looked my way. It felt like a total rejection, humiliating. I have lost weight, and now I weigh less than when we first met, slimmer than I have been in 10 years, and pretty fit...I don't think I look so bad...but he didn't want to look, or just didn't notice somehow. Anyway, he initiates nothing with me, never touches me at all. And this makes me very reluctant to initiate anything or touch him, because I'm not sure it would be welcomed...and that would be really embarrassing and depressing.

And one last thing, JJ started working taxes on Turbo Tax today. Last year, he shared no information with me about it, and I think he intends to do the same this year. Last year, he kept the entire refund. I was okay with that because I wasn't working and I knew that he needed the refund to pay our property taxes. Although if the roles had been reverse, I at least would have communicated to him about that plan, and made sure that he didn't need some of the money. But this year, I would like to know about the process and do it with him. And now that I'm paying our largest monthly bill--daycare--I would like to have some of the refund also. I think that if we get a refund, we should split it in half. We didn't fight about this today, but he quit working on it when I came into the room. He didn't offer any information, and I think that if I tell him I want to do it with him and have some of the money, we will end up fighting, which these days I'd like to avoid.