December goals

1. No FB on the train

2. Run 3x a week

3. Paleo on weekdays; log any non-paleo foods

November goals

1. Run 3-4 days a week

2. Log exercise, non-paleo food, cash spending

3. Log house work

The cookie jar fund

I wanted to bring up our cookie jar fund in our counseling session today. This fund started because when we were going to Richard Cino, our first counselor, I said I hated that we don't have any shared money. He (Richard) proposed that we start making a small pool of money that we each contribute to equally every month. I proposed we put in $25 a month, each. Really just a symbolic amount to show goodwill and a willingness to share. JJ agreed to this, but with about the same reluctance that he agrees to anything. I asked JJ where we should keep the money. He said, "the cookie jar." 

Fast forward 10 months. I have put money in every month, usually more than $25, for a total of $295. But JJ added just $80--$60 in March, then $20 more in April. None since then. I know that he is aware of the fund, because we borrowed from it for a pizza last week. He took the money out (at my suggestion) and I replaced it.

Anyway, I have been annoyed and disappointed that he's not contributing and I wanted to talk about that a our counseling session today but we ended up discussing other things. So as we were driving to get the kids afterwards I still wanted to bring it up so, admittedly kind of out of the blue, I did. I said, "hey. Why haven't you been contributing to the cookie jar fund?" He said, "I don't have any money." I was totally stunned. There are a couple of things he could have said--"I forgot" would have been lame but plausible; "I don't want to" would at least have been honest--but "I don't have money" was a horrible answer. He said, "I  don't have money after buying the car." I said, "if you don't have money for $25 a month, you don't have money for anything." I started getting mad. I said, "so you just decided not to contribute without even telling me?" He refused to speak. I said, "JJ?" He said, "STOP POKING AT ME. I WAS ABOUT TO ANSWER." I said, "you didn't say anything, you just sat there. You didn't need to say, 'stop poking at me'; just say you need a minute to think." He said, "STOP!!! All you do is poke at things!" I said, "All YOU do is blame! I have the right to ask you about the money--you didn't do what you said you'd do. I kept my word, kept my end of the bargain. You didn't. And you didn't communicate anything to me. There's no-one in your life that would be okay with that." Then I said, "We don't even need two cars. We'd be fine with one, except that sharing is too difficult apparently." A couple things I thought of later but didn't say--he bought the car at the end of July after having no car expenses for three months. And the reason he didn't have car expenses was because he crashed the car and was driving my parents' car, for which he didn't pay anything. 

November goals 10/30-11/5

10/30 (Su)

Exercise: 4.0 miles, OCA trail

10/31 (M)

Weigh in: 139 lbs

Exercise: 3.0 miles, down Broadway & back

Food: oatmeal w honey; coffee & cream

11/2 (W)

Exercise: @2.7 miles, Bway & back

October goals 10/16-10/22

10/16 (Su):

Exercise: @6.0 miles, Toms River

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w milk, banana; scrambled eggs, bacon, toast w jelly; apricot chicken leftovers; rotisserie chicken, small portion mashed potatoes, broccoli, corn; candy (M&Ms, candy corn)

Spending: $117, check, medical bill 

10/17 (M):

Weigh in: 138 lbs

Exercise: none

Food: 

Spending: $61, Discover, Rite Aid, face cream, kids' lotion, children's Tylenol, binders, gum

10/18 (T):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, Broadway to Tappan & return

Food: Cheerios & milk, banana, coffee & cream; 

Spending:

Merryn's arm

From 10/12/2016: We had the day off from school today for Yom Kippur. Merryn broke her arm after falling while on a walk with her friends at Mascia. I picked her up and spent the whole day at the emergency room. 

It's sometimes hard for me on a day like that not to hear JJ's voice in my head, saying, as he actually did two years ago when he felt he shouldn't have to take a day off to stay at home with a kid with the flu, "I have never seen a mother who cares so little for her sick child." And feel that bitterness and sadness welling up.

October goals 10/11-10/15

10/11 (T):

Weigh in: 139 lbs

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; chicken & vegetables, 2 oranges; walnut pieces; bowl of chili, little bit of spaghetti, Corona; chocolate; scoops of candy

Spending: $12, cash, parking @ TTown station; $2.49, cash, GCT, gum

10/12 (W):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal with honey & raisins; coffee & cream; bites of English muffin; chocolate; apple; chicken, vegetables, steak

Spending: $15, Discover, Briarcliff Pediatrics, checking Merryn's arm; &50, Discover, Phelps, x-Ray 

10/13 (Th):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, treadmill

Food:

Spending:

 

10/14 (F):

Exercise: 2.0 miles, Main St. & return, 5:00 am

Food:

Spending:

10/15 (S):

Exercise: 2.0 miles, treadmill

Food:

Spending: $21, Dis, NJ transit; $6, cash, CD from man on street; $8, Disc, Roti Roll Mama India; $7, Disc, Dean & Deluca, coffee w Catherine

Passive Aggressive Holiday Planning

2011-present: constant unresolved conflict about holidays. 

Summer 2016: Roberts family reunion. Lots of ideas discussed about holidays. JJ present for all conversations. Never speaks.

10/6/2016: I text JJ "what are your thoughts on Thankinsgiving? Are you up for Alexandria this year? I would love to run the a Turkey Trot. Emily is coming."

No response.

10/7/2016: we're watching TV w kids. 

Me: what are you thinking about Thanksgiving this year?

JJ: I don't know. 

Me: are you up for going to Alexandria?

JJ: I don't know.

Me: Did you have another idea?

JJ: I don't know.

Me: I think it would be fun to run the Turkey Trot.

JJ: Maybe.

Me: What if we alternate each year? So, Alexandria this year, then next year we host here at home, or we go to Toms River? We could try to set a pattern like that.

JJ: Maybe.

Me: what is your family doing in Toms River this year? Is there a Thanksgivibg tradition?

JJ: No. I don't know.

Me: My sister will come for Thanksgiving this year. They have a pattern like that--Alexandria one year, Matt's family the next year. So I was thinking we could try the same...

JJ: maybe.

In my experience with JJ, "maybe" and "I don't know" will later, at the most inopportune time, like the day before the trip, become "I never said yes! You never consider what I want to do! I tell you I don't want to go and then you just do it anyway." This makes planning this extremely stressful. 

October goals

1. Run Sleepy Hollow 10k

2. 2-3 morning runs a week

3. Continue tracking exercise, food, spending

4. Finish California closet

5. Finish Meeryn's room

October goals 10/2-10/8

10/2 (Su):

Exercise: 13.1 miles, Grete's Gallop, Central Park

Food: oatmeal, English muffin, coffee w cream; a few candy corn; apple; croissant, two pieces of bread w jelly; orange juice

Spending: $6, Discover, MTA, 2 single rides; $23.50, Discover, Le Pain Quotidian, brunch (w Josef)

10/3 (M):

Weigh in: 140

Exercise: none

Food:

Spending: $20, cash, Dominique Nerestan; $45, $10 rewards card + $35 Discover card, CVS, almonds, hair dye, hair gel, kids' Mucinex, tissues, gum; $58, BoA card, Carter's, 6 pairs of pants for kids; $200, check, dad, car payment #2; $3.67, check, Quest Diagnostics, Merryn lab test;

10/4 (T):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal, coffee; almonds, apple; zucchini & sausage soup, green salad, leftover ear of corn; pork w coconut, green salad, carrots, apple

Spending: $31, discover, cvs, BC pills; $6, discover, cvs, picture frame; $12.04, discover, usps, stamps & package to Heorgia 

10/5 (W):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

10/6 (Th):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

10/7 (F):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

10/8 (S):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

More parenting differences

Merryn was in a tough mood both this morning and this afternoon. She had a meltdown leaving the house this morning and I ended up missing my train. It was really frustrating. 

This afternoon, I got home first--almost unheard of. I decided to order a pizza for dinner. After I had ordered it, JJ came in the house and said, "Merryn wants to go for sushi and I said yes." I said, "I just ordered a pizza. I was about to go get it. And they need to go in the tub tonight." He told her outside and she started screaming and crying. I asked her and James if they wanted to come with me to get the pizza. James said yes but Merryn kept crying. "I don't want you to kiss me! You're a BAD mommy!" I was getting in the car when I see JJ come out to Merryn, who was sitting on the ground. He's telling her to get in his car. I say, "Where are you going?" He says, "getting her sushi for takeout." I just drove away. 

September goals 9/25-10/1

9/25 (Su):

Weigh in: 142 lbs

Exercise: 9.0 ? miles, North County Trail

Food: banana, oatmeal & honey, coffee & cream; Mediterranean omelet, spinach, bites of French toast, coffee; decaf coffee; steak, mixed veggies, baked kale; carrots

Spending: $39, Diacover, Horseman, lunch; $2.50, Diacover, Muddy Water, decaf 

Exercise:

Food: 

Spending:

9/27 (T):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, treadmill, 31:30

Food: 1/4 peanut butter sandwich; coffee w cream, banana; McDonald's oatmeal; apple, almonds, scoop of candy; chicken curry; apple; chicken burrito w rice, beans

Spending: $40, Discover, metro card; $2.14, cash, McDonald's, oatmeal; $11.40, Discover, Rite Aid, almonds; $15, check, Paula

9/28 (W):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey; coffee w cream; banana; almonds, zucchini & sausage soup; slice of pizza; green salad, pasta salad, fruit (at parent teacher conference)

Spending: $3.14, cash, Rite Aid, gum; $17, cash, pizza; $60, cash, Alex, babysitting 

Exercise:

Food: 

Spending:

Exercise:

Food: 

Spending:

Exercise: 

Food: 

Spending: $1.61, cash, McDs, apples; $14.57

September goals 9/18-9/24

HT(Su):

Weigh in:

Exercise: 11 miles on South County Trail

Food: 

Spending:

9/19 (M):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; 2 apples, chicken & cabbage stir-fry; almonds; piece of dark chocolate, carrots, celery, hummus; bowl of chili, corona, 1/2 ear of corn

Spending: $13, Discover, Rite Aid, almonds

9/20 (T):

Exercise: @3.0 miles, SHHS track + to/from

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; almonds; apple, bowl of chili; 3 pieces horseman pizza, Corona

Spending: $13.91, Discover, Horseman, pizza

9/21 (W):

Exercise: none

Food: Cheerios w milk, banana, coffee w cream; bowl of chili, apples, water; snack size Snickers; hamburger w lettuce; bowl of gazpacho, corona 

Spending: $3.21, cash, walgreens, emery boards

9/22 (Th):

Exercise: @3.0 miles, Broadway to Prospect & back

Food: almonds, apple, coffee w cream, banana, Starbucks protein pack; cabbage w chicken stir fry, apple; fish, peas, rice, Corona

Spending:

(F):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal, coffee; tuna salad, apples, almonds, carrots; mixed candy (from teachers' room); carne asada, veggies, rice & beans (small portion), chips & salsa, 2 Dos Equiis. 

Spending:

9/24 (S):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream, banana; turkey slices rolled w arugula, carrots & hummus, apples, 3 candy corn; chicken curry 

Spending:

September goals 9/15-9/17

9/15 (Th):

Weigh in: 143 lbs

Exercise: @ 2.9 miles, HS track + to/from

Food: banana, oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; almonds; chicken, veggies, corn; apple

Spending: $40, Discover, MTA, metro card; $2, cash, GCT, water bottle

9/16 (F):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

9/17 (S):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

Authoritarian personality/no attention span

We went to our second counseling session w Dominique Nerestan today. I feel like she does a good job hearing and reflecting back what we are saying. I told her about the thing with the wine festival. We talked about it for a long time. A couple of things of note were when she asked JJ, "how could Amy have communicated with you in a way that you could hear her? I mean--do you want to hear what she has to say?" He stalled for a long time, saying, "well..." He communicated a lot to me in that long pause. He said, "I don't have the attention span. She just goes on and on." I was telling her that I had asked him to say, "What's up? Why is the wine festival stressing you out? What are your concerns?" He said, "you see? She is always telling me what to do and say, she's volatile with an authoritarian personality." I said, "what were some quotes, JJ? Can you retell the story?" I said, "Details are not your friend, are they?" 

"You're crazy"

On Thursday night, after our first day of school, JJ told me "Oanh bought us tickets for a wine festival on Sunday." I said, "What, really?" He said, "Yeah, it's in Poughkeepsie from 1 to 5. We need a babysitter from 12 to 6. Is anything else going on that day? " I said, "I mean, yeah, actually. The kids swim classes start that morning. Um, wow, that's kind of a long time with a babysitter." I said, "She really just bought tickets for us? She just told you today?" He said yes.

I felt kind of weird about it. I kind of doubted that Oanh had bought the tickets without asking him if we were available first. I suspected JJ had told her it was okay to buy them, but hadn't mentioned it to me until then. I was thinking about how time is such a precious commodity on the weekend, and how there were already a lot of things going on. And James has been a little sick. Also, I was thinking that a wine festival sounds like a long day where JJ gets wasted and I stay sober because I'm not that into wine, and I am really there just to drive us home. I was thinking about feeling like I didn't see the kids that much this week and wanted to have some time with them. And I was feeling a little resentful about having to find a babysitter at the last minute, and wondering who would pay for it. For the most part, in our horrible "everything separate" financial plan we seem to have, I have paid for babysitters and made all arrangements for them. Having just paid for new shoes for the kids, and with an impending payment for the swim lessons, I felt like paying $100 for a babysitter seemed like a lot of extra money. The bottom line is, this plan seemed more about JJ getting a free ride to a drunken JJ day, with me making all the arrangements to make it happen, than about a fun "double date" with Oanh and Chris, as he described it.

Anyway, I texted both Nina and Alex about babysitting yesterday, and Alex agreed to do it. I told JJ that last night but mentioned I was worried about leaving James if he was sick. This morning, JJ told me James had had a rough night, and he thought he has croup now. I took James to the doctor this morning, and he just has a cold, but I still wasn't feeling totally sold on leaving him with a babysitter tomorrow. So I decided to try to talk to JJ about it. At lunch, I said, "Hey, so I have to call Alex to confirm everything for tomorrow, but I actually feel kind of unsure about this whole thing. I'm not sure I want to go." JJ said, "If you don't want to go, don't go." I said, "I mean, I'm not sure. I wanted to discuss it with you." He seemed super irritated, and was gathering his stuff to head upstairs. I said, "Well, if this is that irritating to you, then I guess I don't need to go with you." He walked upstairs.

Later I came up and tried again to talk to him. I said, "JJ, why did you storm out of room? I was not saying I don't want to go, I just said I wasn't sure and I wanted to get more information from you or discuss ways we can make it work." He said, "Well, you said you don't want to talk about it." I said, "What? No, I didn't! I said I DO want to talk about it. I was just trying to talk about it. I wanted to ask you for more information about it and let you know what I was worried about it, to see if we could find a solution." He said, "You seemed like you were making a decision that you didn't want to go." I said, "No, I wasn't. You could have said, 'what's going on? what do you need to know?' but you totally shut the conversation down. Could you say those things now? Can you engage in this conversation?" He said, "Either you want to go or you don't. Just decide." The kids came into the room, and JJ acted as if he was totally focused on them, and ignored me. This basically ended the conversation.

I felt really resentful that he wouldn't engage at all. I still wasn't sure what to do. I could see the fun in having a double date day and felt sort of like "am I just being kind of uptight here? Should I just be more spontaneous and go for this fun and rare opportunity for a 'double date'?" But I still felt annoyed by the way he had presented it all and definitely even less inclined to go now that he had refused to hear anything I was trying to say. He seemed totally indifferent about whether I was coming with him or not, and that definitely wasn't making me feel more into the idea.

But I tried to talk about it with him one more time a little later. I said, "Hey, I was trying to talk to you before, and I was hoping that we could think of not just a black and white solution--go or stay--but maybe you could give me some information, like who is paying for the babysitter. Like, are you paying, or are we splitting it, or what? It feels like a lot of money and time. And maybe we could go for less time than 6 hours, that was another idea I had. I feel kind of annoyed that you came home on Thursday telling me about this and then it's my job to find a babysitter, and maybe even pay for it. I mean, were you planning to contribute in any way? I mean, were you thinking of looking for a babysitter or did you just think I would take care of it all? I guess I will just cancel with Alex because we couldn't really talk about it."

He shouted, "I AM NOT GOING! You have made this whole thing into a fight so I'm not going!" I said, "What, now you're not even going? That's ridiculous. That's just some punitive passive-aggressive bullshit. It wasn't a fight, it was me trying to ask you some questions and find a way to not make this more fun." He shouted at me, "YOU'RE CRAZY!" I said, "NO, I'M NOT and you shouldn't be saying that in front of our kids, you jerk!" Once again, he stormed out. He walked out of the house and went to the garden.

Apparently now we are both not going.

So there's the story of our amazing opportunity to go on a date and feel more connected, and how to totally destroy it.

September goals 9/5-9/10

9/5 (M):

Exercise: none

Food: steel cut oatmeal, banana, coffee w cream; bowl of chili, baked kale; chicken pieces, zucchini, baked kale, water

Spending: none

9/6 (T):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, to & from SHHS track, 2 miles (5:00 am!)

Food: Cheerios w milk, coffee w cream; apple, salmon, green beans, lettuce salad; bento box at Wasabi (chicken, lettuce salad, 2 pieces of tempura), small Sapporo 

Spending: $1815, check, EMCCC, M&J Sept.; $24, cash, Pinkal, threading; $30, check, Paula Heller

9/7 (W):

Exercise: none

Food: Cheerios & milk, coffee w cream, banana; walnuts; apple; chicken curry, green lettuce salad

Spending: $25.58, Discover, Rite Aid, almonds, walnuts, 2 types toothpaste; $3, cash, fruit vendor @ 15th St, 4 apples & 1 banana

9/8 (Th):

Exercise:

Food:

Spending:

9/10 (S):

Spending: 79.70, Discover, Modell's, sneakers, balls, shorts for Merryn

September goals

1. Continue logging exercise, food, spending

2. Long runs on the 3 weekends

3. 3 x 3 miles during the week

4. Organize California closet

5. Pack up & organize Merryn's clothes

Summer goals 8/29-9/4

8/29 (M):

Exercise: 2.5 miles, Seaside Heights boardwalk

Food: Cheerios w milk, banana, coffee w cream; almonds, apple, water; pizza, orange soda, fries; burger w cheese & bun, macaroni salad, potato salad, corn, Corona

Spending: $6, cash, Casino pier, carousel ride for kids & Danica

8/30 (T):

Exercise: none

Food: steel cut oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; almonds; 2 bowls of chili; 2 squares dark chocolate; chicken curry w small portion of rice, zucchini; corona 

Spending: $920, online payment, Discover

8/31 (W):

Exercise: 4.0 miles on OCA trail, felt great

Food: Cheerios & milk, coffee & cream; steak salad at Horseman, water; apple, almonds 

Spending: $24 (incl. tip) cash, Golden's Nail & Spa, pedicure; $32, debit, Horseman, lunch w kids; $4.50, cash, Play Place, snacks; $5.14 + $40 cash back, debit, CVS, gum; $5.99 + $10 cash back, debit, CVS, almonds; $300, Discover, MTA, Sept. Train pass; $124, debit, Geico; $138, debit, Nelnet; $169, debit, BoA

9/1 (Th):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w raisins & cinnamon, coffee w cream; banana, orange; chicken curry, apple; salmon w veggies, side salad (Doyle's); 2 Coronas

Spending: $7.36, Discover, Dishes GCT, oatmeal & coffee; $40, prepaid transit, subway, metro card

9/2 (F):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail, felt great!

Food: oatmeal w honey; coffee w cream; fruit salad, 1/4 whole wheat bagel w cream cheese; bowl of chili; orange; 2 buffalo wings, 5-6 tortilla chips w nacho toppings, one Dos Equis; pork tenderloin, kale chips, corn

Spending: $40, Discover, Transit Museum store, gift for Arlo

9/3 (S):

Exercise: none

Food:

Spending: $18, Discover, Grape Expectations, wine for Maryam's party

9/4 (Su): birthday! 

Spending: $10, Discover, Cornucopia ticket for Merryn; $30, Discover, Cornucopia, food

Today

I couldn't sleep last night and felt bad this am. But I got a run in and felt good. I definitely have turned a corner with running, where it feels like a habit now. Took James to soccer class. Afterwards we looked out the window at trucks outside for awhile. Then we ran around kicking balls on the soccer field. And he played a little on the slides, etc. He was very shy during the class, but active when it was just the two of us. When we got home, JJ for the first time ever took the kids to the park while I stayed home. I had a little under an hour home alone, time to eat lunch and take a tiny nap. Later I took them to the library. Merryn played with the doll house the entire time. James and I read some train books. He fell asleep on the way home, poor kid.

Time goals

Event/time: Soccer class w James, 8/24/16, 12:15 pm

Left house/started car: 11:55

Arrived: 12:10

Notes: had time to get snack & shoes on 

Event/time: Drop off car for inspection, 8/25/16, 9:00 am

Left house/started car: @8:10? (To drop kids off first)

Arrived: 8:50

Notes:

Event/time: appt w Dominique Nerestan, 8/26/16, 4:00

Left house/started car: 3:25

Arrived: 4:01

Notes: JJ drove south on 87 instead of east on 287, so we had to turn around

Event/time: soccer class, 12:15, 8/31

Left house/started car: car 12:07

Arrived: 12:18

Notes: late...ran, showered, started getting kids dressed at 11:40, too late

Event/time: Merryn kindergarten orientation, 5:00, 8/31

Left house/started car: 4:30 (house)

Arrived: 4:42

Notes: whole family; Merryn excited; we were coming back from library & already had shoes, etc.

Event/time: train to work :-( 7:22 am, 9/1/2016

Left house/started car: 7:05??

Arrived: 7:16 parked car

Notes: overslept! Woke up at 6:39. Made the train though.

Event/time:

Left house/started car:

Arrived:

Notes:

Event/time:

Left house/started car:

Arrived:

Notes:

Event/time:

Left house/started car:

Arrived:

Notes:

Event/time:

Left house/started car:

Arrived:

Notes:

Event/time:

Left house/started car:

Arrived:

Notes:

Good mommy

We (kids & I) were at the pool on Sunday. We were eating lunch, a picnic I had brought. Everyone was mellow and we lapsed into silence. Then out of the blue, James said, "You a good mommy." Merryn agreed. "Yeah! You're a good mommy." Then they pause. Then, "Daddy thinks you a bad mommy." I said. "What makes you say that?" Merryn said, "well, he's not here to say you're a good mommy." I said, "Oh." They said again, "Daddy thinks you a bad mommy. But you a good mommy." I said, "oh thank you, that makes me feel so good. That's the only thing that matters."

Summer goals 8/22-8/28

8/22 (M):

Weigh in: 144

Exercise: boot camp class at CrossFit (Ossining w Oanh)

Food: oatmeal & coffee w cream (McDonalds); sausage & egg McMuffin; burger & hot dog (no bun), zucchini, gazpacho, carrots & hummus; corona, 2 slices cheddar cheese

Spending: $3.21, Discover card, McDonalds, oatmeal & coffee; $3.21, cash, McDonalds, sausage & egg McMuffin; $244, Discover, DMV, car title; $80, Discover, DMV, renew license; $35.22 + $40 cash back, debit card, CVS, contact solution, brush, hair dye; $6.85 + $40 cash back, debit card, CVS, 2 padded envelopes

8/23 (T):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; almonds; leftover Korean hangar steak & rice; carrots, hummus; apple; baked chicken, zucchini, corn; berry, PB, milk smoothie; small package of Swedish fish (3-4)

Spending: $12.10, Discover card, USPS, send license plates back to VA, send toys back to David & Lorraine; $15, check, Paula Heller

8/24 (W):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail, felt pretty good despite little sleep

Food: oatmeal w honey; coffee w cream; almonds; apple; tuna salad w mayo, carrots, hummus; burger (no bun), ear of corn, zucchini; Corona; 1 square 85% dark chocolate

Spending: $3, cash, Play Place, snacks

8/25 (Th):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; chicken (baked), celery w hummus, cole slaw, apple; 3 pieces Horseman pizza, Corona

Spending: $340, Discover card, CARS., inspection of Volvo, repair valve, light; $13.91, Discover, Horseman, pizza

8/26 (F):

Exercise: none

Food: Cheerios w milk, coffee w cream, orange; tuna salad, celery, gazpacho; bowl of chili, Corona

Spending: $16, grocery store; $15, cash, Dominique Nerestan

8/27 (S):

Exercise: 1.0 mile walk, OCA trail

Food: steel-cut oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream, walnut pieces, two apples, carrots, slices of deli turkey, piece of cheese, margarita (frozen), chicken schnitzel, pesto pasta, lettuce salad w tomato, Corona

Spending: $16.56 + $25 cash back, debit, CTown, snacks for car trip to TR; $12.48, Discover, Sears, bathing suits for JJ; $47, Discover, American Greetings, mugs & gift bag, card for JJ; $23.52, Discover, Buy Rite, wine for JJ 

8/28 (Su):

Exercise: 8.1 miles, Toms River, OCC campus trails and roads 

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream, 2 bananas, finished James' Cheerios, almonds, apple, deli turkey slices, one slice cheese, celery; 1.5 burgers (no bun), macaroni salad, potato salad, 2 beers, ice cream cake slice 

Spending: $4, cash, car & truck "rides" at Ocean County mall

Summer goals 8/15-8/21

8/15 (M):

Exercise: 2.0 miles walking, Braddock Rd. station to home

Food: banana, oatmeal w blueberries, coffee w cream; watermelon, blueberries; jambalaya; rice/chicken/mushroom salad; watermelon; one quarter of a grilled cheese sandwich; piece of cheddar cheese, pieces of mozzarella cheese, apple, pieces of baked chicken, pecan halves; 3 Lindor chocolate balls, 2 Coronas; 2 hot dogs (no buns), green salad, zucchini, lentils, a few potato chips

Spending: $6.50, cash, Walgreens, tampons; $55, Discover card, Yates Auto, car wash; $11, cash, Yates, tips

8/16 (T):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail

Food: oatmeal w blueberries, banana, coffee w cream; pecans & walnuts; (Burger King) lettuce salad w fried chicken; carrots; chili, ear of corn, green beans, kale chips, grapes; 2 squares dark chocolate

Spending: $2400, check, dad, car

8/17 (W):

Weigh in: 145 lbs.

Exercise: none (active day w kids though)

Food: oatmeal w blueberries, banana, coffee w cream; apple; garden salad, about a quarter of a rainbow bagel, fruit salad; pizza & one Corona

Spending: $2, cash, snacks at Play Place; $10, cash, pool; $13.91, Discover card, Horseman, pizza

8/18 (Th):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, treadmill, 28:15 mins

Food: oatmeal w blueberries, coffee w cream, banana; apple; hummus, chicken schwarma w rice, carrot salad, 1/2 piece pita bread; Starbucks very berry hibiscus refresher drink (tea?); big green salad w tuna salad on top; two squares dark chocolate

Spending: $10.50, prepaid transit, Metro North off peak ticket; $13.07, Discover, Mimi's hummus, lunch; $4.22, cash, Starbucks, refresher "tea"; $8.17, Discover, Bite, tuna salad; $10.50 + $27, prepaid transit, MNR tickets

8/19 (F):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail

Food: oatmeal w raisins & cinnamon; coffee w cream; almonds; apple; spinach, arugula, tomato, chicken salad; almonds; (Little B's) burger (no bun), green salad, 2 Omission beers

Spending: $8, Discover card, Dishes GCT, breakfast; $87 ($73+tip) Discover card, Little B's, dinner

8/20 (S):

Exercise: 6.75 miles, OCA trail

Food: oatmeal w honey; coffee w cream; almonds; smoothie w berries, banana, peanut butter, milk; arugula, tomato, green beans & chicken salad; kale chips; roasted pork, sautéed spinach, zucchini, 1/2 ear of corn, arugula salad w tomatoes, Corona

Spending: $7, cash, Lighthouse, ice cream for kids; $3.50, cash, Lighthouse, cappuccino for JJ; $207, Discover card, Ticketmaster, tickets to gymnastics champions tour

8/21 (Su):

Exercise: 4.25 miles, OCA trail

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; almonds, salad w chicken & blueberries, carrots & hummus, grapes (picnic at pool); Korean hangar steak, kimchi, rice, glass of red wine (Catherine's bday dinner); piece raspberry mousse & chocolate cake; piece of chocolate

Spending: $10+$30, cash, pool & swim lesson (Olivia); $86, Discover card, Spring Natural Kitchen, Catherine's bday dinner; $11, cash, Cafe Lalo, dessert

Parenting differences

JJ and I have been doing a bit better, so something that happened today felt jarringly bad. We were on our way to Alexandria for a weekend visit, and the trip was off to a good start. After several years of conflict over traveling there, with JJ not wanting to come on most trips there with me, he actually agreed to go without issue, and seemed into the idea. So all was well the first part of the trip. But then we stopped at Chesapeake House for lunch. It was pretty crowded and the lines were long. After taking the kids to the bathrooms, we met up by the lunch lines. JJ told me he had already ordered a pizza at Pizza Hut. I asked Merryn what she wanted and she said "chicken and fries." I waited in the KFC line and got her some chicken tenders. Then I got in the Wendy's line and got her fries and a salad for myself. Merryn was with me the whole time. When we got out of the line, Merryn said, "did you get me my burger?" I said, "no, you asked for chicken." She started crying and said, "I changed my mind! I wanted a burger!" I said, "you didn't say that. I didn't know that. Now we're out of the line." We went to sit down and she was carrying on about how she didn't want the chicken and she wouldn't eat it. She demanded that I go get her a burger. She  was demanding that I get her fries out of the fry box for her even though it was right in front of her. Lots of drama. I told her, "Merryn, I don't like this behavior. I don't like you screaming at me and demanding things from me. I bought you the chicken that you asked for so that's going to be your lunch today." She was having a full on melt-down, shouting at me, "Mommy, YOU ARE NOT NICE! Bad Mommy!" Meanwhile JJ was buying milk for James. As he came back to the table, Merryn said, "I am going to tell Daddy that you are not nice!" People at other tables were turning to look at us. When JJ came back, Merryn said, "Daddy, I wanted a hamburger and Mommy won't buy it!" JJ started to walk towards the Wendy's line. I said, "JJ, wait. I actually don't want you to go buy her the burger. She asked me for chicken, and now she is screaming at me about it. I want her to understand we already got her a nice lunch and paid money for it..." He was barely listening, then he dismissively said, "it's just a hamburger," and walked over to the Wendy's line. I felt I had just gotten hit with a sucker punch. I felt completely undermined in front of our kids. I was too mad to even talk. While he waited for the burger, which took more than 10 minutes, Merryn was still telling me that I was a bad Mommy the whole time. When JJ came back, I said, "you undermined me in front of our kids. I wanted Merryn to understand the value of a dollar and to understand she can't just cry and whine to get what she wants. Did you get to do that as a kid, just demand things from your parents until you got whatever you wanted? Her behavior was kind of bratty and I don't want that!" He said, "it's just a burger. You can eat the chicken." I said, "I don't want to eat the chicken! And it's not about the chicken or burger, it's about the message you just gave her, and the message you gave me. You just told her that if she doesn't get what she wants from me, she can just come to you. And you totally disregarded my opinion in front of our kids and disrespected me! What message do you think you just sent them, and me?" He started snickering at me like it was the stupidest thing he ever heard. I said,"you asshole." I was so mad I didn't even want to sit at the table with him. I took James for a walk outside. And now the test of the day has passed and we have barely spoken to each other.

Summer goals 8/8-8/14

8/8 (M):

Exercise: ran @4.0 miles, Toms River

Food: banana, oatmeal w honey, coffee w milk, a few grapes; celery & hummus, leftover Chinese food--chicken & broccoli; one quarter of a peanut butter & jelly sandwich; Corona; (at Water Street) green salad, salmon, peaches, sweet potato fries, glass of Chianti

Spending: $42, debit card, NYRR, Percy Sutton race

8/9 (T):

Exercise: 4.0 miles, Toms River 

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w milk, banana, hot dog w bun, one piece thin crust pizza; 3-4 pieces of pizza (Horseman); Mermaid pilsner

Spending: $40, cash, pool entry & swim lesson for Merryn; $15, check, Paula Heller

8/10 (W):

Weigh in: 146 lbs.

Exercise: 3.0 miles on OCA trail

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream, apple, a few grapes; apple; spinach, chicken, walnut, peppers salad; cream of turkey soup

Spending: $19.08, BoA card, gas station; $30, Discover card, Kidz Kutz, haircuts for M & J, $6, cash, tip; $2, cash, Play Place, socks for Merryn; $7, cash, Play Place, snacks; $40, cash, pool entry & swim lesson; $5, cash, pool, ice cream; $38.82, Discover card, Horseman, dinner (Amy & Merryn) & sandwich for JJ; $11, debit, Hillary campaign

8/11 (Th):

Exercise: track workout--1 mile warm-up,   2x800, 2x600, 2x400, 2x200, 3x100 moderate pace

Food: oatmeal w blueberries, coffee w cream, apple, water, leftover chicken salad from Horseman, green beans, carrots, 2 pieces of dark chocolate, Triscuits; pork tenderloin, salsa, corn, kale chips; Mermaid pilsner

Spending: $100, debit, purchase Roth IRA shares

8/12 (F):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey; coffee w cream, banana; apple; bag of carrots; 1 saltine cracker; Wendy's chicken & berry salad, water; pieces of chicken; carrots; hamburger (no bun), riced cauliflower, broccoli, Gazpacho, melon, Corona; one Lindor chocolate

Spending: $6, KFC, chicken tenders; @$10, Wendy's, salad & fries

8/13 (S):

Exercise: 6.0 miles, treadmill, Alexandria YMCA, avg. pace 9:50

Food: oatmeal w blueberries; coffee w cream; banana; almonds, strawberries, salad nicoise, broccoli, carrots, apple; Afghan food plate (shared w kids & mom): samosa (veggie), flat bread w cauliflower(?), baked chicken; jambalaya w small portion of rice, Swiss chard w herbs, gazpacho, melon, red wine, blueberries, almond, one Lindor chocolate

Spending: &7.98, debit, Aldi grocery store, strawberries & almonds; $50, cash back, Aldi store; $12, cash, Sackler museum, Afghan food plate 

8/14 (Su):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w blueberries, coffee w cream, almonds, melon, watermelon; apple, jambalaya, carrots; (at Nichole's) blue tortilla chips, guacamole; 2 tacos in corn tortillas w sweet potato & black bean, cabbage, shrimp, sour cream, guacamole, green beans; 2 beers; 5-6 chocolate coconut ball thingies, apple pieces, one Lindor ball

Spending: none

James the Giant

We are stuck in traffic heading to the Jersey Shore. James just said: "I wish I could be a giant and smash all this traffic!"

What happened at the grocery store?

JJ took the kids to Stop & Shop this morning. Merryn was grumpy about something as they drove off, and when they returned, it was James' turn. He was crying on the front path and would not come inside. When I saw JJ, I asked him how the trip had gone. He said, "could have been better." I said, "oh no, what did they do?" I asked the kids, "were you listening to Daddy?" I asked JJ, "were they running away from you? Did they have a meltdown?" He clammed up & said, "it was fine, nothing happened." I said, "what? Oh, I thought you said..." He said tersely, "It was fine. Nothing" I said, "I was just conversing..."

Later, I was looking in the fridge and realized he had hardly purchased any groceries, certainly not one thing from the list I had sent him. I went to him and said, "what happened with the groceries? You got berries and bananas and apples and that's it???!" He said, "they had meltdowns so we left." I said, "were they crying there? What happened? Were they not listening?" He really wasn't giving any info. It seemed weird because he had stuff from the fresh side and stuff from the bakery on the opposite side, which doesn't seem to fit with someone rushing out of the store in a meltdown crisis. I said, "Why didn't you just tell me that before?" He acted irritated and said, "I didn't want to talk about it." I said, "Why not? You were traumatized?" He said, again very irritated, "I didn't want to talk about it!" I said, "I don't get it. You couldn't tell your partner in parenting about a meltdown at the grocery store? Or instead of giving your vague, weird explanation before ('it was difficult! No it was fine!'), why not just tell me then that you didn't want to talk about it so I'm not feeling like you're acting kind of weird? I wasn't judging you, I just didn't understand what happened at the grocery store."

Actually what I felt in my gut was that JJ just didn't feel like buying the stuff on the list I had sent him. Because he has frequently balked when I've asked a favor of him. He doesn't like to be asked to do things, it seems. Like the previous day, I had asked if he would take a paper about our daycare benefit to the daycare when he was picking up the kids and ask someone to sign it, or leave it with the note I had already attached to it on the person's desk. He acted like that was somehow a major imposition. With the grocery, I had said, "JJ, I think we need groceries. Would you go soon?" I felt like he didn't like me asking him to go; instead, he wanted to go on his terms. So this grocery thing kind of felt like he was resentful that I'd requested that he do it, and I felt--I could be wrong--but I felt that he didn't get the stuff in the list to be kind of petty, and then sort vaguely blamed it on the kids. And then gave me this smoke and mirrors answer about meltdowns that he "didn't want to talk about." This might sound like a stretch on my part, but it's actually a pattern I've noticed...if I make a request for something, he seems offended by that, and sometimes just won't do it, or acts kind of passive aggressive in response. 

Summer goals 8/1-8/7

8/1 (M):

Weigh in: 146

Exercise: 3.0 miles on SHHS + warm up & cool down (running to and from track); on the track: 1 full mile, then 4x200 S/J, then 3x300 S/J

Food: oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream, grapes; steak, lettuce salad, mixed vegetables; apple; chicken curry, sautéed spinach, corn, kale chips, zucchini; chocolate; 1 Triscuit; small glass of red wine

Spending: $28, debit online, Alhassan's book; $10, cash, pool; $30, cash, swim lesson for Merryn

8/2 (T):

Exercise: none (rest)

Food: oatmeal w honey; leftover scrambled eggs & sausage; coffee w cream; berry, milk, peanut butter smoothie; baked chicken & leftover curry chicken; rice; mixed vegetables; apple; 5 Triscuits, piece of chocolate; Corona, chili, ear of corn, green beans, celery, piece of chocolate

Spending: none

8/3 (W):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, orange, coffee w cream, 2-3 Triscuits, chili, apple, sautéed chicken, mixed veggies, 2 squares of dark chocolate

Spending: $125, Discover card, Play Place, soccer class for James; $40, cash, pool entry fee and swim lesson for Merryn

8/4 (Th):

Exercise: ran/walked @ 3.0 miles w JJ on OCA trail (more walking than running)

Food: oatmeal w blueberries, banana, coffee w cream; walnuts, apples, baby carrots; bowl of chili, lettuce/arugula salad; big garden salad w some carrot/raisin salad & corn salad (from CTown salad bar); 2 Coronas

Spending: $67, Discover card, Stop & Shop, groceries

8/5 (F):

Exercise: 3.0 miles running on OCA trail, stopped to do circuit (see previous posts), 3 sets

Food: banana, oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream, half slice cheese, apple, almonds, water; thin crust pizza, some swigs of Orangina (w Maryam in Ocean Grove); caprese salad, a few tortilla chips, cheeseburger, Corona

Spending: $25.19, cash, pizza in Ocean Grove

8/6 (S):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, 2 bananas, coffee w milk, 2 slices cheese, apple; (Aunt Marie's party) a few potato chips, I slice of pita bread w hummus, green salad, pork, chicken (breaded), grapes, small portion pasta, glass of wine, 2 pieces birthday cake, Corona

Spending: $30, debit card, liquor store, Coronas & Mike's Hard Lemonade

8/7 (Su):

Exercise: none

Food: banana, oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; 3-4 small tortilla chips, apples, celery, cheeseburger (no bun), hot dog (no bun), green salad w oil & vinegar, Corona w lime, half of a Cliff Bar, almonds, beans w bacon, green salad, celery w hummus, chips & salsa, Corona,  one marshmallow

Spending: none

New car

JJ crashed our car in May, and we have been borrowing my parents' car since then. Finally, I saw online that Nell & Paul Madigan were selling their car. I let JJ know, and he decided to buy it. He did yesterday, for a price of $10,000. About a week before, I told him I wanted him to put me on the title of the car. He said, "what difference does it make?" I said, "as a married couple we need to share stuff. That matters to me." Then, a few days ago, I told him I didn't have enough money to split the cost with him, but that I could give him about $3000. He kind of mumbled in response, a typical JJ non-response. To do that, I needed to get the rest of the retainer back from the lawyer, which I finally did this week. But before Nell & Paul came over to make the sale, I had not yet given him the money, partly because I had just gotten the check from the lawyer and prior to that had not known how much it would be, and partly because I really did not believe he would put me on the title. I feel that JJ from the very beginning of our marriage had avoided sharing money and assets with me at all costs, mainly because I think it makes him feel that he can control things. So I felt that despite our conversation about it, he was setting it up to leave me out. ("You stay at home with Nell & kids while Paul & I go to the DMV... ") Sure enough, a few hours after they returned from the DMV, I asked him, and he told me that he had only put his own name. I felt that same feeling of betrayal, of having been manipulated, that I have felt many times with him. I got mad. I said, "But I came to you to ask you. I offered to share the cost with you." He said, "I asked you 'what difference does it make?' and 'you didn't answer.'" I said, "I obviously came to you requesting that because it makes a difference to me! I needed a sign from you that you understand we need to share, and you missed that opportunity." He said, "well, you buy your mom's car." I said, "that was about buying a car for US, not just me!" He said, "well you keep insisting that we need two cars" (which is something he was saying for a long time too). He said, "we need two cars because you are always late." I said, "now you're back to your old games, changing the subject, changing the story, manipulating." I said, "we need two cars or to really agree to SHARE one car because you act like the car belongs only to you and that you always get priority to use it. You're unwilling to use public transportation, and you're greedy about the car, even it makes my life harder." He said, "there was only one time I was unwilling to use public transportation." We talked about the weekend last year when he had signed up to grade Regents and I decided to go to Virginia with the kids. He claimed that I had decided "at the last minute" to take the car, leaving him unable to get to the grading site, which was "inaccessible" by public transportation. I said, no, I approached you about it a few days in advance; you ignored me. We discussed the plan over text message. Clinton HS is not "inaccessible" by public transportation; in fact, it's only one block from the subway. I take public transit every day; and so can you. Not only that, when you expressed your feeling of not wanting to take the train, I looked for a rental car so that you could keep the car with you. But when you ignored my messages asking for ride, and refused to speak to me, and threatened to call the cops when I finally decided to go, I just didn't feel like trying to help you anymore. So I left. (What I really wanted to say was that he was being a selfish, entitled asshole.) He started blaming again: "see, this was another example of me expressing my point of view about something and you say, 'I'm doing it anyway.'" I said, "all you have is your old tired arguments. I'm not doing this with you." I left the room. When I came back, I said, "I will buy my mom's car. But you just watch what happens if you ever need money from me."

Warrior body

As I am focusing this summer on physical fitness and being disciplined about eating good, healthy food, I am trying to see these efforts through a new lens. I'm envisioning myself as a warrior, ready to fight, to stand up and be strong. And preparing my body, and, more importantly, disciplining my mind, is part of that. I hope that this focus will help me to stay commited, and will help me think less about results and more about the process.

Summer goals 7/25-7/31

7/25 (M);

Weigh in: 148

Exercise: 5.0 miles, OCA trail

Food: banana, almonds; oatmeal w honey; apple; celery; coffee w cream; (Lou's party) 2 cheeseburgers (no bun); hot dog (no bun); watermelon; blueberries; some chips and tostitos; green salad; two Coronas

Spending: $1.90, cash, coffee, Pastry Chef

7/26 (T):

Exercise: none

Food: oatmeal w honey, almonds; scrambled eggs, bacon, lettuce salad, orange; coffee w cream; 2 pieces dark chocolate; 3 small pieces pizza; Corona; carrots & hummus

Spending: $104, Discover card, Bed Bath & Beyond, coffee marker, blender, cooling rack, tub caddy; $15??, BoA card, CTown, coconut milk, coconut , half & half, yogurt; $45, check 1020,  Paula Heller

7/27 (W):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail w a stop for circuit (7 exercises [see last week], 10 reps, 5 rounds)

Food: oatmeal, coffee w cream, 4-5 jelly beans, hunk of bread, crackers, lettuce salad w chicken (breaded); almonds; pork tenderloin w coconut; kale salad w bacon; 2 squares dark chocolate

Spending: $117, online debit, Barnes & Noble card payment

7/28 (Th):

Exercise: 2.0 miles, OCA trail, walk & run

Food: banana, oatmeal w blackberries, coffee w cream; walnuts; pork w coconut; kale salad w bacon; berry & yogurt smoothie; apple; more pork w coconut; zucchini; baked kale chips; carrots & hummus; Corona; 2 pieces of cheese 

Spending: $1.25, + &25 cash back, debit card, CTown, gum; $83, Discover card, dentist, 4 fillings; &3, debit card, parking, White Plains 

7/29 (F):

Exercise: none

Food: banana; oatmeal w cran-raisins; coffee w cream; cheeseburger, mushrooms, lettuce (no bun); kale chips; carrots, celery, & hummus; 1 square dark chocolate; bowl of gazpacho; 

Spending: none (paid bills online, $421.49, Verizon: 150

7/30 (S):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail. (A few brief stops, humid!)

Food: oatmeal w honey; coffee w cream; 2 hotdogs (no bun), ear or corn, kale chips, celery & hummus; 2 small Famous Amos cookies; chicken curry, spinach (sautéed), green beans, small spoonful of rice, Corona

Spending: $22, cash, Into The Woods ticket, 50/50 entry, cookies

7/31 (Su):

Exercise: 5.0 miles, OCA trail. Felt good.

Food: grapes, oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; omelet w lox & onions, mixed veggies, a few toast crusts that kids did not eat, coffee & cream; ice cream with Korean donuts (Ho-Dduk); ice cream "mochi" set with Catherine in NYC

Spending: $20.50, prepaid transit card, train ticket to NYC; $20.50, debit card, nail salon (pedicure); $4, cash, tip; $13.04, cash, Korean ice cream place (Grace Street); $6, cash, more ice cream & donuts

More Sweet James

James, two nights ago as I was making dinner:

"Mommy, how you day was?"

After dinner, while I'm cleaning up:

He rides into the kitchen on his scooter and says, "how I can help you?" I say, "oh, thank you! Would you bring your bowl to me?" It took him about 6 trips to the table to bring the bowl ("my train's wheel broke!" "Where's the bowl?" "Right in front of you!" "I don't see it."), but I appreciated his offer and help.

Summer goals 7/18-7/24

7/18 (M):

initial weigh-in: 149 lbs

Exercise: Ran @ 4.0 miles, OCA trail

Food: Apple, oatmeal w dried cranberries, carrots, Mediterranean omelet, sautéed spinach, 6-8 fries, coffee w cream, chili, several olives, peas, blueberries, water

Spending: $33, Debit card, Horseman Diner

7/19 (T): Exercise: Ran 3.0 miles on OCA trail, with a stop to do circuit: sit-ups, leg lifts, plank, push-ups, step-ups, squats, wall sit, all 10 reps x 5

Food: walnuts; oatmeal; banana, berry, vanilla yogurt smoothie; carrots, hummus, apple, steak; coffee & cream; 4-5 bites frozen yogurt; carrots, walnuts; tilapia; mango salsa; peas; olives; two strawberries; water

Spending: $2, cash, water bottle; $17, cash, hot dogs, coffee, fro-yo for kids; $15, debit, Hillary campaign

7/20 (W):

Exercise: @ 2.0 miles OCA trail

Food: strawberries; oatmeal w honey; almonds; apple; celery; coffee & cream; kale, almond, raisin salad; bowl of chili; celery; fish, piece of steak, mango salsa, three bean salad, green beans, olives, blueberries

Spending: $37, BoA card, CVS, coffee, tampons, butter, Vaseline, Windex; $5, cash, Pastry Chef, coffee & cappuccino 

7/21 (Th):

Exercise: none

Food: banana; oatmeal w blueberries; coffee w cream; apple, walnuts, chili, celery, carrots; beef teriyaki, salad, edamame, Sapporo

Spending: $34, Discover, Sears, underwear for Merryn; $51, gift cards, Old Navy, clothes for me, kids; $112, Discover, H&M, clothes for me; $12, debit card, parking; $14, BoA card, groceries (apple, nuts, Popsicles)

7/22 (F):

Exercise: 3.0 miles, OCA trail, with a stop to do circuit (see above)

Food: banana, walnuts; oatmeal, honey, coffee w cream; berry & yogurt smoothie, chili, kale salad w nuts, berries; carrots; sautéed chicken, kale salad, mango salsa, lettuce & artichoke salad, sautéed zucchini, Corona, water

Spending: $23, cash, threading salon 

7/23 (S):

Exercise: @ 4.0 miles, OCA trail

Food: banana, almonds; oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; apple, carrots, chili, lettuce salad w artichokes; (Maryam's house) rice, grape leaves w meat inside, chicken legs, plantains, chard(?), chocolate cake, fruit, Corona, 1 glass Chardonnay 

Spending: $10.93, BoA card, CVS, notecards, chocolate; $10, BoA card, CTown, coffee filters, strawberries; $20, BoA card, gas; $10, cash, pool entry, $10, debit card, bodega, Corona

7/24 (Su):

Exercise: 3.0 miles on OCA trail (some walking due to heat), stop for circuit (see above) 2 times only

Food: banana, oatmeal w honey, coffee w cream; carrots w hummus; almonds; lettuce salad w chicken (breaded); celery; small raspberry sorbet; salad with chicken (breaded); water

Spending: $10, debit card, sorbets for kids & me, Lighthouse

Summer goals

Now that we are back from our family reunion/Clear Lake trip, it feels like it's time to set some goals for the rest of the summer. Trying to be realistic, I now say my goals are: 1. Resume keeping a food diary; 2. Resume keeping a financial diary; 3. Organize computer files; 4. Organize office room; 5. Resume keeping exercise diary; 6. Curriculum planning

Sweet James

James turned 3 on Friday, two days ago. He is such a sweet boy. A few quotes:

He likes to snuggle with one of us to fall asleep. Usually with JJ, but sometimes with me. The other night, I was lying with him and he was talking non-stop until he crashed. I remember him saying "the boat was really awesome! The lake was really awesome!" And he rolled over and was staring into my eyes. He said, "our green eyes is looking at each other, Mommy! You's green eyes is flashing!" Then, "let's close our eyes and go to sleep." 

Last night we were in a hotel. First, just like the last time we were in a hotel (at the beginning of the trip, near Hershey Park), he was saying "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" at 9:00 pm just as we wet trying to fall asleep. Then as we lay down, he put his arm under me. He said, "I put my's arm around you, Mommy." I said, "oh, thank you!" Later I put my arms around him, and he said, "I like that!" He woke us up with "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" also.

Just now in the car he said "I want to fall asleep so I can wake up and say 'how we got here?'"

"Why would I hug you?"

On Thurs., June 16, I came home feeling frustrated. I had been trying to make myself heard at school about some issues with the schedule; wasn't working.  I was feeling a lot of tension on my teaching team, and a lack of support. I had several frustrations with JJ too. He crashed our car at the beginning of May. It wasn't worth it to get it repaired so he donated it. My parents lent their Prius and he has been driving it to work ever since. But he hasn't shown any recognition that it isn't actually his, or ours; he also hasn't expressed a word of appreciation. He has been driving to work using my EZ Pass, and that's adding $100 to my monthly expenses. Also, I had been trying to organize a birthday party for the kids, and had mentioned several times that I wanted to talk to him to make a final decision about where we'd have it. He was kind of blowing me off, avoiding the conversation. He had handled it similarly last year, avoiding the conversation and ignoring me. That morning I had made a spreadsheet of 6 different options--prices, amenities, pros, cons. I emailed it to him and asked him to rank them. But I felt kind if resentful having to take the time to do that--why couldn't we have just talked about it? Was this going to be the pattern, a source of conflict, every year? Would a fun, joyful day always become a chore and a tedious fight?1 And I didn't like feeling like I was giving him so much power to make the call, like a secretary gathering all this information only for him to decide. I have my opinions too, and realistically, I have done the planning and paying for parties in the past and I expect it will be the same this year. He had responded with his top 3 choices, and fortunately there was one idea that was on my list too, the pool. So, on the positive side, we were able to decide. On the negative side, though, I felt a little bitter about what it took to make the decision. It felt like I was putting a major effort into gathering information, trying to listen to him, make everyone happy, and he was putting in no effort. And not appreciating my efforts, either. Finally, I felt frustrated because I had been shopping for Father's Day cards, and he had not given me any card on Mother's Day. And I noticed his dad's Father's Day card to JJ on the table, and felt annoyed that his dad sends me a check for $50 for Mother's Day, and a check for $100 for Father's Day to JJ. On all other holidays, he addresses a card to both of us, but writes a check only to JJ. I try not to let it bother me, but it does--I mean, are we family, or aren't we? Are we equal? One more thing, I received my mom's will in the mail that day, in which she referred to me as "Amy Roberts-O'Connell." It irritated me because it reminded me that when I'd asked JJ if he wanted me to change my name to O'Connell, he said no..."all the teachers at my school use their maiden names." At the time, and all along, it has been hard to believe that our marriage is real, something to be proud of and celebrate. So this had felt like another missed opportunity to make it known that this is the real thing, that we're in it for real, for life. Because of that conversation, I remained Amy Roberts. And for me , my name is a symbol now of our estrangement, of being only partially in, of independence. I guess I may have told my mom, in more hopeful times, that who knows, maybe I'd change it later, that she could add O'Connell to my name; I didn't care then. Now, though, given our state, it feels like a lack of recognition of all the things I've said. Taking some power away from me to choose my name and what it represents to me. So I felt annoyed when I saw she had put it that way in a legal document. 

By the time I got home, I was frustrated thinking of all of this. I wanted to get it off my chest. So I told JJ everything I wrote above: frustrated about work, about the car, about planning the party. At the end, I said, "I'm just really tired. And I need a hug."

He said, "why would I hug you? You just told me how evil I am and berated me for half an hour." 

I was stunned. I said, "what? I wasn't berating you, I was expressing a few frustrations. Yes, some frustrations were about you. But they were specific, and honest and, if you really think about it, they are reasonable. I didn't say you are evil, I said I'm frustrated about work, and the car, and the birthday party, and I'm tired and I need a hug." 

He still would not hug me. We never hug anyway. But we haven't hugged since. 

Last day of school

I met JJ & the kids at Wasabi for dinner. As usual, JJ drinks drinks three bottles of hot sake. Halfway through the dinner, I say, "James, sit on your seat...or we can get you a booster." JJ says, "he's doing fine." I drop it. Five mins later, kids are done and trying to look out the window. Merryn is trying to pick James up to look out; they're laughing. Except for one other couple, we're the only ones there. JJ barks at the kids, "stop that! Excuse me!" I say, "I think they are okay." JJ gives a heavy sigh and a big eye roll. "Well, you know better." Super sarcastic. I said, "you just did the same to me 5 mins ago." No response. We're leaving, and since he drank three bottles of sake, I want to drive. But he gets to the driver's seat first. I say, "I want to drive home." He says, "I'm already here. Get in. Let's go." I say, "no. I want to drive home." He says, "get in the car. I'm already here." I say, "no. I'm driving." By the way, this is my parents' car. I lean in the back window. He says, "what if I just step on the gas?" I say, "you'll run over my foot." He says, "oh, that's what you want?" A moment passes. He gets out; I get in. Now, silence.

Advice table at farmers' market

Last night I had this idea of setting up a table at a farmers' market. I would listen to people's problems and give advice, like Lucy from Peanuts. Either that, or I'd help people solve marital conflicts, for a nominal fee. I would have a structured process--only one issue at a time; listen to both sides, help them identify the core values and needs that are causing the conflict, ask them to find a solution that makes both sides happy. Basically what I wanted to get from marriage counseling, myself.

Ups & downs

I was looking for Merryn's birth certificate to register her for kindergarten. It has always been in my filing cabinet, but on this morning, it wasn't there. I looked for James' too; also missing. I asked JJ if he had them. He said yes, then walked up to his office. I followed him. He sat there and said, "are you gonna watch me search?" I said, "yes." And I did. Because I need to know where our family documents are.

However, he did come to the Sheep to Shawl festival today, and we stayed for several hours.

A blank wall...

...invites a lot of projection

Merryn's wishes

Merryn had an eyelash on her face. I told her if she put it on her finger and blew it off, she could make a wish. She did, then said, "I wish Mommy could be with me forever!" Then she said, "And my second wish would be that Rapunzel is alive and I can meet her."

Conflict week...Sake week

Lots of sake being consumed here again. And what do you know, a rise in conflict too. Monday: JJ sits down to eat the soup I made. He's stirring in hot sauce, ready to chow down. Kids are not in their chairs, I'm still putting stuff on the table. I say, "maybe before you start you could get the kids to the table also." He looks insulted, stunned, face goes dark. We're sitting there and I try to start a conversation, he won't. Won't even look at me, gives one-word answers. After dinner, I say, "tonight I'd like to read James some stories," because I have been missing that...JJ has been whisking James off to bed so fast I never can read with him anymore. JJ, very grumpy: "I don't care, whatever." I get frustrated, "what is wrong with you?!" Silence, snarkiness. I'm frustrated, annoyed, feeling no control, feeling punished for asking him to help, tune in before. "JJ! Come here and at least just give me a hug!" He did...but no words said. 

Tonight, similar stuff. James asks me for a cookie, Hug juice, [nutrigrain] barrrrr (favorite snack trio) just as I'm finishing dinner. Me: "we're just about to eat, you can have a cookie for desert." James tries to grab cookies from counter. I say, "no, after dinner...JJ, here's his plate, would you put him in his seat and he can eat his dinner? He's hungry." A few moments later, I go sit down. James has his bar, and on his plate, a cookie. I say, "JJ..?!" He says, "well, he's not eating it, he'll save it until later." So I'm sitting there feeling undermined, just thinking what's the message here...if I say no to the kids, all they have to do is ask JJ instead and he'll give it to them. Then we're talking, conversing for once about a PD at school, a financial advisor who came to present. Kids are asking me for drinks; JJ starts giving me directions. "Give Merryn the pink one..." I ask her a question, "do you want..." He answers "she doesn't want that!" I bring James a drink, JJ says, "he doesn't want that one!" I get annoyed, just...why is he answering every question I try to ask the kids!! Can I just ask a question to them directly?! At another point (last night) Merryn was crying after dinner. I ask her from the kitchen what was wrong; before she can answer he says, "she's crying about her doll" (which I had temporarily taken away from her earlier because she had not been cooperating getting in the car). But Merryn was not crying about the doll, it was another thing (mainly she was tired). She shouted, "no! I am not crying about my doll!" But now she's thinking about that again as well as the new issue and crying even more. And I'm thinking, "if JJ didn't have to act like he knows everything about everything at all times, maybe he could have just let her answer when I asked her what was wrong instead of interjecting and making things worse." So after these interactions I'm annoyed and I come back to the table and our rare conversation doesn't seem so fun anymore. I'm just sitting there feeling stressed. So he tells kids, "let's go finish watching our TV show," and I'm left alone sitting there eating and then cleaning up alone, feeling annoyed. By the time I'm done with clean up (Metryn came down to help me a few mins later) JJ is upstairs with James in bed. I go up and say, "hey did you forget there's another person here? This was my time with the kids too, this was my family time too after a long day at work.., you get an hour alone to relax when I pick up the kids...I just come home and cook, clean up...I am not the family servant sitting and eating alone...I feel we were raised in different ways, I feel frustrated, just wishing you could tune in more..." No response, snarky snicker, smirk... "JJ that  makes things worse! Please can you just speak?" "Oh so you're the only one who gets to talk?" "What? No, but every time I try to say anything it is turned back on me: "you deserve it, oh yeah well YOU always..." Can we just talk about the issues I just raised? "You see, now you won't let me talk" And then I feel crazy, mentally losing it. I backed slowly out of the room feeling like I'm losing my mind.

A day with the kids

I was home with the kids today. James was sick (a cold). Merryn just wanted to stay with us. There were points in the day when I felt exhausted--there are no breaks. But I think it's a day like this, when I have time with them, alone, that I feel happiest and most at peace.

We built things with Legos. Made cookies. Played hide and seek. Merryn made her own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She made snakes out of cookie dough, then turned them into rocks. Then snakes again. I cleaned the kitchen maybe 4 times. The bathroom floor, one time. Laundry. Tried to send some emails for work; failed. Magic day.

Groundhog Day

I love that Merryn loves school. She came home today talking about the groundhog, casting shadows, playing shadow games. She got into the laundry bag/basket and said, "I'm the hedgehog. No, the groundhog." She popped out and looked around to find her shadow. She wanted me to carry her around the house looking for shadows in different locations. 

James is in a phase where at night he only wants Daddy. "Daddy change mine diaper." "Daddy snuggle me." I feel a little rejected...that hurts a little. But I'm trying not to take it personally. When I got home, he came over to me to give me a big hug and kiss and said, "my mommy!" So that's good. 

Return of the drink

JJ went out with Lou & Eleanor last night, drinking for 5-6 hours...then he drove home. When he got here he was slurring...so it seems to me he was way too drunk to drive 40 minutes. They had a former student with them at the bar, someone who graduated 5 years ago. It seems like a bad idea. If the student posted it on Facebook...just seems like a bad idea.

JJ has two magnum bottles of sake here too. He finished one already in two days, I think. 

Lost Peanut

I lost James for a few minutes at the Play Place today. He wandered over to the puppet show while I was lifting Merryn up, so when I turned around, he was gone. I was trying to stay calm, but started to panic. It was terrifying. I asked at the front desk and they quickly found him. Sometimes I feel I have sort of a PTSD condition, so afraid of losing them somehow. It was humiliating too--how could I lose my own child?!

Documenting lies

Counseling 1/8/2016:

"She called me an asshole in front of our daughter [during the conversation about him leaving for New Years without saying goodbye]"

I absolutely did not. It's something I have always avoided saying, but since the talk of "parental alienation" I have meticulously avoided language like that. Also, I wasn't angry and vulnerable then, just talking.

"I told her I wanted her to come for New Years. I told her my dad wanted to see her. I told her my sister wanted to see her. But she said, 'I will not go.' I asked her again, but she still said, I WILL NOT GO!'" 

Richard: "what would you have done if the situation were reversed?" 

JJ: "I would have gone."

First, he did not tell me that he wanted me to go, or that his dad or sister wanted to see me. Instead, he merely twice said, "are you coming?" Second, he hardly ever goes to VA with me, and no chance would he go if there had been conflict.

2016 goals, needs...not resolutions

1. Sleep. How not to be an insomniac.

2. Avoiding depression.

3. Money.

4. Strength. Courage.

5. Focus.

6. Communication. Support. Giving appreciation.